Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Insomnia (2nd opinion)
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- I can't really do your second review, but I'd like to say...it looks a lot better, but could still maybe do with one more picture. - [15:44 24 June]
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||8||Wow, this is interesting! OK, the intro is a bit different - I wasn't sure where this was going for the first couple of lines, and I was starting to worry. Then a couple more lines and it became clearer, and I started to enjoy it. In the main, this is very good - there are some good ideas here, and they're used pretty well. I guess my main concern is the length - longer articles often struggle on VFH, as I think people take one look and think "can't be bothered to read this" and leave it, perhaps intending to take another look when they have more time. But yeah, I think this could benefit from a little ruthless pruning to make it a little shorter without losing the funnier aspects. That would significantly improve its chances, I'd say.
So, what to trim? Well, the "going to work on no sleep" thing seems like the ideal candidate. Yes, it's amusing, and it shows the effects of insomnia, but the rest of the article is more directly relevant to insomnia, and this almost feels like a separate article, so I think it can be cut down a bit. Yes, it helps with the escalation of this guy's madness, but I think it can be cut down a bit. Also, maybe cut back the phone-in section a little, spend less time on the presenter, and just keep the focus on the bizarre nature of the quiz itself.
|Concept:||9||A good idea, and you work well with it. There are a number of directions you could have gone with this, and I like the one you've taken. I can't believe we didn't already have an article on this, to be honest - so kudos for finding something rich with potential and going at it!|
|Prose and formatting:||6.5||Overall, not that bad, but there are definitely a few niggles you need to sort out. Mainly, keeping your tenses consistent. One example:
"I walk over to the box containing my new computer and I start unwrapping it, savagely, like a child on Christmas morning. [Present tense up to this point] Within ten minutes the hardware was [oops, that's now past tense] out of the boxes and the cables and packaging were strewn across the floor. “Well that was fun.” I sigh [back to present] as I look around at the mess. It was [back to past] quarter past one now. I began to plug everything into the wall and figuring out which cables went where. The number of times I hit my head of the desk, without passing out, was frankly astonishing." 4 switches of tense in just a few lines. And that kind of thing happens throughout the article. I suppose there's the possibility that it's deliberate, to emphasise how out-of-it this sleepless guy is. But it just feels wrong. A good proofread would help this no end.
There's just a couple of typos ("itsself", "verocious" - is that meant to be voracious or ferocious? I'd guess the latter) but nothing major.
Also, I'd like to see a few more links in there - for example, there's red light mentioned for instance, which gives you a perfect chance to link to some prime Cajekery. And the random typing bit is set up for a link to "I just slam may hand on the keyboard and magic happens" or whatever it's called. There's a few links in there, I guess I'd just like to see a few more.
Formatting in general is good, and the writing style fits the article quite nicely, but yeah, this needs work on keeping the tense consistent, and possibly punctuation as well. A proofreading request - mentioning what I've picked up on - could help, particularly if Fag is on the case!
|Images:||7.5||I agree with YTTE up there, you need at least one more pic (and, if the article doesn't get any shorter, probably two). A simple one would be a mess of computer cables for the "I'm not tired any more!" section - should be easy to track down a good one.
Apart from that, the rest are good. The MS paint one works quite well, under the circumstances.
|Miscellaneous:||7.8||Averaged. Why not?|
|Final Score:||38.8||OK, so I enjoyed reading this, there are some excellent lines in here, and it's a really good idea. I do think it still needs some work, but it's just sanding and polishing really - there's definitely a VFH article in there, it just needs bringing out a bit betterer. So a pruning to make it a more welcoming length and stop a few people being put off, and a proofread to make the prose feel more tight and consistent, followed by at least one more pic, and I'd say you're about there.
Don't be disheartened by getting a lower score than last time - don't forget, the pee table shows my marking tends to be quite harsh compared to others, read into that what you will. And as ever, this is only my opinion - others are available. And good luck - I hope I helped!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 09:56, Jun 29|