Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Inland Empire (rewrite)

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Once again, not the movie (generally), but the SoCal area. After a fine, nay excellent, review by the Guildmaster, there are updates afoot, and I must say they turn out to be quite faithful I think to the points in the review. Isn't that a concept.

Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 03:25, 12 March 2009 (UTC)

Reviewing

Projectmayhem666-has stamped this article for review.

Consider your article UNDER REVIEW bwahahaha!!
Projectmayhem666

Bet you've been waiting a while for this. --The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 17:49, 18 March 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 5 Although I don't know what you're referring to, its quite funny after a quick read, decided to do this review because only the new articles seem to be getting done.

The intro could be funnier, but I like the writing style used here. I think more about the desolate dump it actually is would make it funnier, especially with the juxtapositioning against Hollywood.

In the first section its quite funny, however, I think adding things that wouldn't normally be sites, like the sacred hobbo alley or something to that effect would work better than the shopping malls thing.

The second section, I don't know what to say, I think I'm missing the point completely here but at a guess I think you're saying they're all actors confusing scripts with real life? I don't know its not very clear, as a result not funny, it could do with some work here.

The third section, you say for the latter referring to for the serial killers, but at the end of the second paragraph say that would fall under the category of serial killers, thing is, you just said for the serial killers by saying for the latter, I scowled at this. On a whole I think here you should make something up, like "in 19 odd 2 there was the great bumfight brawl" or something to that effect, just to make the article more interesting, there is little to laugh at here.

The forth section is better, but you say 3 line freeway and the picture is clearly a 4 lane freeway. I like this section though, made me chuckle, especially like the bring lunch at the end, got a thumbs up.

In the last section, the bit about Mira Loma's name is a little confusing, but the paragraph is tres funny. The second paragraph is excellent, it really makes this article work, U-turns, the hilarity. The third paragraph isn't as funny and could do with hitting with the old fun gun, there must be more serial killers in the place, looking it up its a shithole.

A couple of sections need work but some are very funny, this is going to be a good article.

Concept: 8 Concept 5/5 implementation 3/5 due to some sections lacking, this article, I can tell, is going to be very funny.
Prose and formatting: 7 This article is ok for prose, a little formatting work might be in order but one thing that really stood out, under Ontario Mills "there is also little to say about them in general. What, they have stores. And a food court. do you see that and of the full stop? DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU!? I think I made my point.

Just noticed something in the footnotes, "↑ Juan Murrieta, if you need a for instance. "[H]e helped move the Indians to the Pachanga reservations" indeed." Read that back to yourself.

Images: 7 The images are pretty ok, I like the contrasting one, but in the docu-drama you use 2 and they seem fairly squashed, would one not suffice? They work fairly well and are quite funny so a good score here.
Miscellaneous: 6.8 Averaged because there was nothing extra I could see with this article.
Final Score: 33.8 Good article, needs work but it will be great someday.
Reviewer: --The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 13:48, 19 March 2009 (UTC)
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