Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/I will never forget
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18:58, December 2, 2009 (UTC)
I've got this one, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 23:30, December 2, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||OK, your humour isn't too bad, I certainly see the joke that you are trying to make, but I think there are a couple of problems it would be worth sorting out. The first thing you should have a look at is your context. You fall into quite a common trap by simply racing into your article and neglecting to set it up, perhaps this was intentional, if it was then I would strongly recommend that you try to give it some context. I don't mean write an entire section about who is supposed to be saying these things, but simply explain through the text or very briefly at the start, since currently your article feels a lot like a rant. From what I could tell you intended it to be a rant by a conservative American Southerner, but this still leaves us with the questions: where is this person supposed to be speaking? To whom? One idea I had was that if you put this into UnNews and came up with an amusing title you would probably gain a much more favourable reception for this one, as the article doesn't really develop from where it starts. You rely on the shock value of your jokes more than anything else and while this is OK, I think you would be better served using this shock-value a bit less, because it is good some of the time but becomes predictable as the article goes on. This isn't to say that all your humour is horrendous because that would be wrong, I like some of your jokes, and I think that the joke at the end especially has superb potential and would have worked even better had you not linked to 9/11 throughout. My recommendation for improving this is to drop a couple of hints into the text that you might be talking about 9/11 but never actually acknowledge or deny it, a non-sequitur seems to confirm it and may lead to some confusion for readers of your article. If you do the above and then use the joke about it being your birthday at the end I think the joke will come off much better as currently it feels more tagged on and it was only after thinking about it for a while I realised what you were doing with it, perhaps this is because I'm an idiot, but equally I think it would serve your interests to make this more accessible.
Beyond that I think you have good aspects to your humour, I think you just need to work on a couple of aspects surrounding it, as what you have is generally OK, but needs to be part of a larger article rather than simply standing on its own.
|Concept:||5||Your concept is pretty good but marred by some poor execution. When I first read the article's preamble I was expecting the rest of the article to be in a similar vein, but it is difficult, especially when you get into some of the paragraphs to appreciate that it is the same person speaking. To that end I would recommend you try to make the tone match, granted you use the third person and do not deviate from it, but the very start and the very end sound markedly different from the middle of the article, I would recommend you either account for this or choose one and make the entire article conform to it. I think your tone has a relatively important role to play in this article and thus you should try to make as much of it as you can, and be as clear as possible. Your tone should also conform to your context so if you make any major changes to that make sure the tone still fits in with it.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Your prose are OK, ignoring the fact that there isn't much of them. I would say that some expansion of your article is desirable since if you didn't enjoy it then you have it being too short to complain about and if you did you still have it being short to complain about. As I recommended above you can add some context to the article, maybe change things up a bit more with some more jokes and pad out your final joke and you should have a reasonable amount of extra prose to play around with. Your spelling and grammar is OK, admittedly it is rather difficult to check considering the vernacular you are using, but from what I could tell everything is in a reasonable state. I would still recommend proofreading your article carefully to make sure any mistakes are caught. If that would bore you beyond reason then remember that UN:PS can give you a hand if you need it. Not much to say in the way of formatting, the one image you have is fine where it is and isn't causing you any problems, you may wish to consider having a second image if the article expands very much.|
|Images:||7||Your image is OK, though I would recommend that you find one that is slightly less predictable, if you want to keep the article it's current length you need the image to provide some laughs. The caption of your image could do with some work too, try to avoid restating the text and try to come up with something that compliments both the article and the image well. I'm confident you can handle this yourself so I will leave you to make up your own mind.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||30||Your article is reasonable, I feel that it is doing exactly what you want it to do, however I would say that some improvements are desirable, not to the substance of what you have already got written down but rather to what surrounds it, I think this would make your article better as well as easier to read. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any edits.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 11:10, December 3, 2009 (UTC)|