Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/I don't feel well

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edit I don't feel well

Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 05:37, 29 May 2011

I'll take a whack at it. --Tophat headless 15:38, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
Please do. I've been waiting for one for a while. --Maple leaf >> Hello, my name is Sir Lollipop, and I am Canadian! 17:33, 8 June 2011
Oh shit! I totally forgot about this! I'm so fucking sorry. I'll try to do it really soon. --Tophat headless 16:57, June 12, 2011 (UTC)
Please hurry up. --Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 02:45, 13 June 2011
Two weeks. If you aren't going to do it, let someone else do it. --Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 20:27, 13 June 2011
I'd offer to do it, but only in exchange for my much delayed sig :D Shrooms Jello Shrooms 22:01, June 14, 2011 (UTC)
Hey look, after I wrote that last message my computer broke. I'm editing on a computer they have here in the store. I'm really sorry. I'll do it after I get a new computer, if no one else has done it. Again, sorry. --Tophat headless 23:12, June 16, 2011 (UTC)
What? You're doing this at a computer store? Or at a store? Or what? And JelloMold, your sig is COMING. --Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 01:50, 17 June 2011
Yes, I was editing from a computer they had on display at the computer store. But I have a new computer now. Would you still like me to do it? Or do you want JelloMold to? If not, I completely understand. But if you do want me to do it, I'll do it now. --Tophat headless 02:03, June 17, 2011 (UTC)
So do you want me to do it?! --Tophat headless 02:50, June 17, 2011 (UTC)
I made JelloMold a new sig, but you can do it. Sorry, JelloMold. I'll make it up toyou by adding you to my buddies list. --Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 02:56, 17 June 2011
As much as I hate to say this, I can't do it now anymore. I could do it then, but not now. Really really sorry. --Tophat headless 03:22, June 17, 2011 (UTC)

Yeah, this is open for whoever to do. And Lollipop, if this happens again, someone promises to do a review and then doesn't for more than a day or two (let alone a week), please let me or Chief know; they really shouldn't be doing that. Sorry I didn't see this sooner. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 04:33, 17 June 2011

You and Chief? Looks like someone's in love with themselves. You do realize there are other admins too, do you? --Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 04:39, 17 June 2011
Yes. Again, I feel really bad about this. I'm so very sorry. --Tophat headless 04:39, June 17, 2011 (UTC)
Can someone do the friggin' review already? This has been waiting for half a month. Longest wait for a review ever. --Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 04:41, 17 June 2011
Patience, mon. Sometimes they take up to two months or more, and a lot of our reviewers haven't been the most active lately. Someone'll get to it. I would offer, but I already gave my thoughts on this one on your talkpage and it'd probably be better if someone else either corroborated and expanded or better yet provided an alternate view, unless you disagree. And as for why I say contact one of us, it has little to do with the fact that we're admins. Flamingo, Chief and I are the ones who do most of the PEEING maintenance; Flamingo just doesn't generally deal with this sort of thing, although he is the only one who really does anything anymore.
And if you wish to continue this conversation, please use a talkpage for that; the review page is getting cluttered enough. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 06:11, 17 June 2011

I'll repeat for the tl:dr passerby: This review ain't booked. Feel free to do it, nay, please do. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 06:11, 17 June 2011

Humour: 6 Hey Lollipop! Sorry about the delay of this review, and all. Anyway, let's just jump right into things now.

Okay, so I must say, I believe this is you best work so far, or at least that I've seen. But there is some stuff to work on. I actually kind of hate doing this, but I'll go through section by section and tell you what I think.

Introduction: Well, it's okay, it's not the best opener. I think most of the power of the article is at the end, which is not something I see too often. I usually see people put all their effort into the beginning of an article, but it just kind of drops off at the end. I know I've been guilty of that more than once. But not you, you put your power into the end. Anyway, I'm getting off topic, here. The one big thing about the intro that bothers me, is that I can't exactly figure out what happened to this kid. Did he get drunk? If that's what you were going for you didn't covey that very well. Did he just overdose on Tylenol? If so, you didn't convey that very well. Actually, to be fair, you din't convey whatever initially very well. Work on that. Also, why do you jump into things right away? Why not start off a little slower? I don't know, something to think about.

"I can't call Mom": The first laugh (actually, it was just a chuckle, but still) I got from this article was the part about the kid stabbing the other kid with the scissors. But other than that, this is one of the worse sections of this article. This is when the kid starts to act stupid. And although that is funny some of the time, it bothers me a little, because in stead of making is seem like ha was action stupid because he was panicking, or be cause of whatever happened to him, you make it seem like real stupidity. I just can't get that. No one is that stupid.

"I am not feeling that much better": Whoa, dude! This section's a bit too short for me. I mean, they're all a bit to short[1] but this one's really short. Other than that, however, this section's actually pretty humorous, namely the conversation with his father. But here he says he stabbed the kid with a pencil , when earlier he said he stabbed him with a pair of scissors. I know this is a small thing, but I'm all for continuity, here.

"...": I don't like this section all that much, because it really doesn't have any jokes[2]. But I guess you could argue that this is a transitional section, more than a humor section, but still. Anyway, I was thinking maybe you could get some more humor in there by having it so he actually does clean up the mess he made, and then does something like, say... cut his hand? Or maybe trip and gouge his eye out with the shitty/vomity spoon? Maye not all that funny, but something to think about.

"It wasn't": I think this is where it starts to pick up. I kind of chuckled when he said he wanted to be a doctor. Seeing a what is happening to him. Maybe you could draw from that some more? Like maybe say something after, "I hope I'll be one." like, "That would be fun, I would get to do things like perform surgery, and work with blood and guts! BLEEEAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!! Okay, never mind. I don't want to be a doctor anymore, I don't want to work with blood and guts, it makes me sick. Maybe I'll just be a rocket scientist, or something simple like that..." You see what I mean? That's probably one of the better examples I've ever given anyone, but you don't have to use it, if you don't want...

"My leg and ribs": I like this section a lot, but I think it would've been funnier if he actually did get to the phone in time. Then he could have a humorous conversation with his mum. Maybe something like, "Oh, hey mom! ... Oh yeah, I'm just fine. ... Take out the trash? Er... yeah, totally, I took out the trash. ... Thumping? I don't know what you mean. ... Oh! You mean that thumping! That's just some music I'm listening to. Ya know, the kind us crazy kids like to listen to. It's not like it's the poli... er... I mean... So how are you? ... Slurring my words? I have no idea what you're talking about. Well anyway, I better get going, I'm... uh... baking an apple pie with your name carved into it! Yeah, that's what I'm doing! ... What?! Er.. no. I mean... uh... I can't hear you, the timer's going off! Beep Beep! Can't you hear that?! Er... I mean... uh... there's someone at the door! No! I mean... uh... I'm going through a tunnel! Er... tunnel vision... that's what I meant. Anyway, er... you're breaking up! Crackle crackle! I can't hear you! BYE! Wow, I'm glad I handled that so well." Then maybe you could have him go try to take out the trash or something, and pull humor from that.

"BLEEEAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!": Pretty much okay, could be a little longer, but other than that I think it looks okay. Maybe he could try to ge into a conversation with the police officer when he discovers him to try to delay them from taking him away? Seems like that could work...

"This has not been a good day": This is my favorite section. I like the way you end with the same sentence you started with, that made me laugh a little. Though I feel like he shouldn't go so easily. Maybe he tries to break out of the ambulance? But still try to end with, "Life is too boring around here." That's a good way to end.

The only other thing I have to say is that after he does do something you just jump to something else. I would rather you put ... or something. What I mean is, instead of saying, "I want to eat a Leprechaun! There, I ate a Leprechaun." say, "I want to eat a Leprechaun! ... There, I ate a Leprechaun." You see ho that makes it feel like time has passed? I hope so.

  1. Yeah, you need to fix that, by the way...
  2. Well, to be fair, the whole article doesn't really have any jokes, it's just the premise that's amusing. But you get my point.
Concept: 4 Sorry, but the concept really isn't that great. You've made it funnier than I would've expected for a below average concept, but that doesn't change the fact that it's just not all that great. It might work better if you made it an UnBooks, but not by that much.

Like I've said before, the fact that the main character's genuinely stupid doesn't help the concept all that much. But another thing that may have hurt it even more is the way it's written. It's written in first person, but not in a good way. The way you have it makes you over explain actions and things like that[1], and is, quite frankly, annoying. I'm not saying it could never work, I'm just saying it's not helping it any the way it is now.

  1. Which is, by the way, completely different from not spending enough time on things, which you also have a problem with in this article.
Prose and formatting: 5 The grammar and punctuation all seem fine (but you may want to run it through a spell and grammar checker, anyway. I'm not the authority on grammar and all). But what gets me is the way you've formatted it (not to mention the first person stuff, like I said). You have a whole bunch of small sections. I can't seem to figure out why you would put one thing in one section, and another thing in another section. You may want to come up with some kind of theme for each section, just so it won't be so confusing.
Images: 5 Well it goes without saying that you need more[1]. But I don't really like the first one. It doesn't make much sense, the caption I mean. I kind of know what you meant, but not really. And the image is just sub standard.

The second one is okay, too. But it looks weird how the two kids in each image aren't the same person. Also, why would he be thumbs-upping when he's in a panic? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I personally take more than an hour to chose an image sometimes. Also, there's always UN:PIC.

  1. And remember, the more content there is, the more there is to illustrate.
Miscellaneous: 5.6 How I feel about the article as a whole.
Final Score: 25.6 So as I said before, this is one of you're best works so far. But it won't be ready for a feature (and don't say you're not going for a feature, I know you are, you little bugger, you) without some major tweaks. A of now, it's okay, But I think you can take it above and beyond! I can't wait to see where you take this. Good luck.
Reviewer: --Tophat headless 03:46, June 18, 2011 (UTC)
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