Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/IPad (quick)

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edit IPad

I think I've done a pretty good job so far, but I would love some input and would love to see this featured soon to coincide with the announcement made earlier today (27th) about the real product.

--Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >}01:22 EST 28 January, 2010

I get the feeling this article will be getting a bit more attention soon, so I will get this one tonight. --ChiefjusticeDS 14:49, January 31, 2010 (UTC)
great, thanks! --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 0032 EST 1 February, 2010
OK, I had to cover a shift at work last night but I'll get this now. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:50, February 1, 2010 (UTC)
Humour: 7 Right, the humour in your article is of a good standard and I was certainly kept interested from start to finish, there are a couple of problems that I would recommend you take a look at before you do anything else with this one. The first thing I noticed was that while the base of the humour is good the jokes all come from just 2 sources; they are either about Apple or the title product, now I'm not suggesting that these things should not have been included in the article because obviously they are necessary but I would have liked to see a little more originality in coming up with the jokes. What I'm driving at here is that you try to come up with a couple of other ways to make your reader laugh; for example if you were writing an article about Darth Vader, you would want to include references to the Star Wars universe and the character, but some more humour could be derived from placing the character into every day scenario's, while that isn't the very apex of humour I hope it still makes the point that much more humour potential can be tapped into by being a bit more creative. A reader will appreciate a well executed original joke far more than they will appreciate a well executed joke that is predictable, both are still amusing but there is more potential to be had if you only use one. The joke the article is based around makes this idea more important for you, remember that just about everyone immediately thought of the menstruation joke after Apple unveiled their new device. I was pleased to see some interesting ideas developing around this as an idea and you have demonstrated an understanding that constant menstruation jokes are a bad way to go with this one, it is just that I would like to see you cut away from this a bit. The reason is partly due to a desire for variety in the jokes and also to encourage people to devote time to reading, remember that most people who look up the iPad on here will be pretty familiar with it, and the hilarity surrounding its release so you do need to find a way to keep these people interested beyond what you have at the moment. What I don't want to suggest is that you start cutting what you already have but rather you expand on it a bit more, and add carefully. My recommendation is that you carefully read through what you have written down already and see where there are openings for these jokes, you should also spend some time thinking about the ways you can introduce some more humour into the article, this may take some time, my recommendation would be that you have a look around the internet for some of the things that people are saying about the product, this may provide some inspiration for you, you can also take a look at HTBFANJS if you find yourself struggling.

Ultimately, however, this problem is minor and you have a good grasp of the humour, I was generally pretty pleased.

Concept: 6 Right, the idea behind the article, while not the most original one, is generally well executed, but what hurts your score is your tone. As you proceed into the second half of the article the encyclopaedic problem you start with starts to become patchy. I see the reasons for it and I see that there are some good jokes behind it, but I would strongly recommend you consider different ways of making these jokes in a slightly more subtle way. Try using things like non-sequiturs to make the same point but in a less obvious way. You should note that the encyclopaedic tone operates using subtlety and to break off from this in the "Running Issues" section is a real jolt from the existing tone. I like the joke, but I think that the tone would flow better and the joke would have more impact when people notice it if you are subtle. My suggestion would be to discreetly indicate that there is a joke present in the section, but let the reader make the leap to realise there is humour there.
Prose and formatting: 7 Generally pretty good, your spelling and grammar is of a reasonable standard throughout and I would encourage you to keep this up. Do make sure you are proofreading carefully though, I noticed a couple of minor errors as I read through and it would be a shame for these to make it into the final product. The formatting is pretty good though, my feeling is that the article could use another image after the second as the bottom half of the article is pretty empty in that regard. Sort that and remember to proofread carefully and you will be just about done with this one.
Images: 8 Nearly there on this one, make sure you address the lack of a third image, as an article of this length should definitely have about three, try to get one that fits at the bottom and doesn't interfere with the template you have down there. Beyond that I would suggest you take a second look at your captions, there is a lot of potential there; you can use the captions to make a mediocre image funnier and you can use them to link the images to jokes in the text. My recommendation is that you devote some time to considering your captions as they can do so much more than just explain what is in the images.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 35 I was pleasantly surprised by this one, so much so that it held my attention with little difficulty. The jokes that are there are engaging and genuinely funny in the majority of cases and the article demonstrates ability. There is some work to do and it is going to require a bit of careful consideration on your part to do well, if you have ideas, excellent, if you don't then the internet is a great resource, HTBFANJS is at your disposal and so are other users. If you have any questions or comments for me then please direct them to my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 20:53, February 1, 2010 (UTC)
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