Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hypnotist (revised)

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edit Hypnotist

--Tophat headless 04:26, April 25, 2011 (UTC)

Humour: 3 Okay there, Magic man, you're about due for an article check-up. Just look over there and pay no attention to the man behind the latex gloves. Now, while I've got ya with your pants down — about that article. She needs some love. Some serious love. What you have on page now is, umm, well it's like you saw this idea from across the room, exchanged an awkward glance and then rushed right over and slammed a few Jagerbombs down her throat. Three minutes later, the two of you emerged from the bathroom, one minute apart so as not to arouse suspicion, hair tussled, and called it a night.

The next morning you wake on your futon, still wearing your clothes from the night before. You are at a crossroads.

Currently, your article is waiting for you to call her back. Now, of course you should leave her hanging by the phone for at least the mandatory three days. But will you call her back? Will you?

I think you should. Call her back — invest more than Jagerbombs in her. Examine her from other angles. What is unique about her? Obviously, this idea has been around the block once or twice. She's got the hypnotist hypnotizing the hypnotized. She's got the patented sleepytime watch. She's got the clucking like a chicken aftermath. She isn't bad, she just needs a fresh coat of makeup and a breath mint, is all.

Take her out to eat at that new corner bistro, the one that everyone is talking about because they give out bagel crisps instead of bread baskets. Instead of taking her to the movies, like all the rest of those skeevy writers have in the past, take her to a park and play some Ultimate Bocce Ball with an old Italian couple who still hold hands even though they've been married for forty-nine years. Then tell them that Ultimate Bocce Ball is a full-contact sport and tackle them, because no old couple should be that happy. And consider: why take her home and bang her in the missionary position, when you can go to a supermarket and bang her in the missionary position there, instead.

Concept: 4 Concept is just alright with me. But so is Jesus, and I think he is a pretty swell guy. There is good news, though: he died for your sins! I'm just kidding — that's actually terrible news because, like I said, he was a pretty swell guy and you killed him. That's a lot of guilt to live with for you, isn't it? You see how I put that concept in there? Nope, I didn't either.

But I am totally kidding about all of that. The good news is actually this: Your concept is not fucked. I think you just, like I said up above in my attempt to imbue your article with feminine qualities just so I could picture where an article's vagina would be, need to examine it from a different angle.

There's this artistic trick for the drawing impaired: if you want to reproduce a black and white image and have no photocopier handy, you turn the image upside-down so you are no longer seeing it as a sad clown face or Ansel Adamsy panoramic view of an especially cloudy day, but as a random collection of darks and lights. This is an ancient street caricature artist's secret. You'd think that a caricature artist who is drawing on their head is extremely talented, but it actually means they are cheating and not very good. Avoid them like the hacks they are.

So what I want you to do now if go ahead and flip your monitor upside-down. Don't think about it — just act. Now, see how you have a whole new set of words to work with? It's as though everything you had previously written is now something else entirely. This is the desired effect. It's almost like magic, man.

Please don't take that the wrong way. It just feels like you have a decent framework here, but you need to go back and evaluate each individual section and try to expand on the concept and humour.

Allow me to provide an example: Your concept sees the protagonist, the reader, go backstage in a daze. But why are they going backstage in a daze? Perhaps there is some reason, such as: The show comes to an end, and you begin to go back stage in a daze. You had no idea that the pot smoke would be so thick at the Palace's Hypnotism Night. That kinda shit is usually only found at Thursday's Ventriloquism Poetry Jam.

Or: The show comes to an end, and you begin to go back stage in a daze. Your feet haven't moved on their own like this since that time when you were nine years old and you went roller skating and they played the Hokey-Pokey twice in a row by mistake. Now that was your jam!

Possibly not the greatest examples, but that's pretty much what I do. Set a really bad example.

Prose and formatting: 5 I'm not quite sure what I think about the formatting of this. I guess it could work. You have a lot of separation of, well they're not really paragraphs so much as a sentence or two, and I wonder why you went for that, but I probably have much weirder formatting tics of my own. True story: My very first article here, I layered every sentence on top of one another instead of side by side or above and below. Because it was illegible, many considered it my best writing ever.
Images: 4 I like the image you've chosen for Marvin the Magnificent. The clock isn't bad, either. The synesthete's alphabet down at the bottom probably could use some formatting, but it is good and suits the article.

The Colbert gif — hmm, this is probably only my opinion, but I am not feeling it so much. Not to say it could never work in any article, but this use of it seems to place the comedy in the gif instead of using the gif's humour to enhance the article's comedy.

The ladies aren't really working for me as it stands now, either. That is perhaps the gayest thing I have ever typed. I really ought to backspace that one, but I like to face the future too much to erase. But yeah, unless I am missing it I am not really sure why those ladies are in there. I think that you could definitely write a reason for them to be there, or just explain it a little better.

Miscellaneous: 5 Pretend this article is a Monopoly board and develop the shit out of it.
Final Score: 21 Do that thing I just said in Miscellaneous comments. A lot of my writing has started off looking like this. And trust me, you don't want to go looking anything like my writing. So examine your words and phrases and see if there are other substitute's that are more unique. Also develop each snippet a bit more. Maybe add a few descriptive sentences to some of the lines. I'd think about the corpse in the closet, too. The article never really explains why there is a corpse in the closet and why, after you've discovered it, Marv only turns you into a chicken.

Magic man, I hope that wasn't too painful. You can pull up your pants now.

Reviewer: Imrealized ...hmm? 08:29, May 11, 2011 (UTC)
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