Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hydrogen is Being Impersonated!!

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

FAQ

edit Hydrogen is Being Impersonated!!

--Black Flamingo 02:26, February 26, 2011 (UTC)

Looks interesting, I'll give reviewing it a shot. --StupidBunny 00:35, March 1, 2011 (UTC) EDIT: I revoke my claim, sorry. I don't have time and I'm not sure I'd be able to give a good enough review anyway. --StupidBunny
I gotcha --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 01:46, March 5, 2011 (UTC)
I'm sorry, can someone please tell me if you didn't actually mean to write about helium instead of hydrogen, because I can't finish the review until I get that straight. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 23:45, March 5, 2011 (UTC)
Um, yeah. It's hydrogen. Where are you getting helium from? Jackofspades (talk) 04:49, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Because if I get your article correctly about the 8 electrons, its helium that only needs two, not hydrogen; otherwise you'd make water to give hydrogen two electrons.--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 05:41, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Sorry if I'm coming off a bit too attentive about this, I just wanted to check this because I saw some other issues regarding chemistry in the article as well. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 05:42, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Well unfortunately you're talking to a chemistry major. Both hydrogen and helium only have 1s orbitals which can only contain 2 electrons so to be full you only need 2 electrons. Helium has 2 protons which means that it won't react with anything which makes it not important (for the purposes of this article) other elements have 1s, 2s, and 2p orbitals which means that to be "full" there will be 10 electrons since a p orbital can contain six electrons, but 2 of them are shielded by the other 8 so the 8 are the valence electrons. Jackofspades (talk) 05:50, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
A'ight. --Littleboyonly TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Oldmanonly 05:57, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Well unfortunately, I'm not, but that doesn't mean I didn't already know what you've stated . So if you know this, why state that hydrogen is the only exception to the number of electrons being 2? Also, why call them 'molecules' if you're technically referencing elements and also not mention 'valence' before electrons?
I'm just asking ahead of time so I don't look like a complete ass in the review. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 06:02, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Honestly I only wrote part of this BF11 did quite a bit of it, but the main concept was by an IP (as far as I know) so I don't know. Mention whatever you want. It's not really our article. Jackofspades (talk) 06:09, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Fair Enough. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 06:13, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 5.5 So I can see a lot of humour potential in this article. RIght now, the main point of humour is constantly contradicting every chemistry fact by saying "that's just what the impersonator wants you to think," pretty much. My main suggestion is to expand the article by adding some more sentences, maybe even some more sections. Maybe talk about how you always suspected Cobalt since its always wanted to steal hydrogen's identity, or that this isn't the first time that an element has lost its identity and then talk about how some elements 'mysteriously' turn into other elements after losing their protons. You know, make some puns off of 'half-lives' and how elements can get together to try and impersonate another element, something like that. You could really expand this section since there's much chemistry had to offer.

I also think you could expand the "Failed Attempts At Impersonating blah blah,' because right now, you only talk about Watson and Crick. Maybe you go into how Einstein was trying to replicate an army of hydrogen, which accidentally lead him to develop his theory of relativity so that he could attain the speed of hydrogen. Or, you could talk about while trying to become a hydrogen molecule, Elvis gave himself a heart attack through the strain of trying to become 'one with the elements' and also because he was taking a huge dump. Irony bonus there.

I really enjoyed your ending, but I think you need to work on it's flow. "As Sherlock Holmes said, there are always clues. It would have to be someone who knows a lot about hydrogen..." You need to explain what those clues are about, you can't just assume that the reader still knows you're talking about finding out who impersonated hydrogen, although the reader should be able to make that connection anyways....but just in case, you know. Also, in the middle of the article, you have this sentence, "So this begs the question, why wouldn't someone want to impersonate hydrogen? Think of the power you'd have. I'd do it myself if someone hadn't got there first." and then say at the ending that the impersonating could be 'you' also, "someone like, Bill Nye or, well, me. Shit..." This is kind of contradicting, but it's not that big a deal. I'm just pointing it out to you in case you're interested in fixing it.

Aside from that, I liked your ending, it seems to really suit the article. That's about it for humour since it's not a long article. Let's move on, shall we?

Concept: 6 So the concept about hydrogen is fairly unique, it isn't something you would expect to see. There are some issues within the article that overlap the chemistry that the article is based around. However, I go more in depth in this issue in the prose and formatting section, so look for it there. Aside from that , the concept seems fine.
Prose and formatting: 7 The main issue I have is with all the titles and sub-titles within such a small article. Perhaps some subtitles, like the BUT... subtitle can be removed to make the article seem less clunky? Or maybe even expand the articles with some of the suggestions I provide in the humour section.

I see some overlapping issues in formatting in the middle of the article. For example, you have this sentence, "There is simply no other explanation; hydrogen must be being impersonated by a charming, possibly handsome charlatan," and then have a new section with the title, "So who is impersonating hydrogen?" Why would you be asking this question if you technically answered it with that previous sentence? Also, I think the section about "Failed Attempts At Impersonating Hydrogen," should be moved before the title "So who is impersonating hydrogen," since they technically overlap right now and also cause flow issues with the ending section.

That's the main issue with formatting, so the choice is yours to do what you will with it.

In regards to prose, most of everything seems fine. You have misuse of commas in a couple of places, but it's nothing significant to worry about. Maybe just re-read over the article to make sure, but it's not a long article, so I wouldn't really worry about it.

Images: 7.5 The humour within your images seems to rely mainly on the captions, which is fine. Keeps the article with the 'professional' feel, while making it satirical with the captions. I do, however, want to suggest a change of picture 2, the one with the reaction. I would want to a use a picture that more clearly demonstrates a reaction with hydrogen, simply because I feel it would add a little more humour to the caption. Of course, this is just a personal feeling, so you can just ignore it if you want. Aside from that, your image selection is good and your captions work just fine. Good work here
Miscellaneous: 6 I'm not sure where else to talk about this, so I'll just talk about the issue I have with basic chemistry here. Hydrogen isn't the only element that only needs 2 electrons, helium is too. Also, you might want to change 'molecules' to elements since molecules are two atoms with covalent bonds, and also add the word 'valence' before 8 electrons, otherwise you would taking about only the first and second row of elements. Just some chemistry issues I had to get out of the way, thanks for listening.
Final Score: 32 Well, this was a short article, so not much to say. Hope I was able to help out a bit with the critiques I did make. If you have any questions, just jump by my talk page. Actually, you probably know where to find me already, so forget I just said that. Said what? What? Where am I? Who Are you? Fuck, what's going on?!....

Also, it's like 2 in morning, so I'm feeling kind of loopy right now. I apologize sincerely.

Reviewer: --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 07:06, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
Personal tools
projects