Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hunger

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edit Hunger

For Hungary (Note: Submitter may not be from Hungary.)! --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 16:49, 12 August 2008 (UTC)

Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 4.8 average of all sections.
  • intro: 7

good start, but quite short. i think you can expand this into a general outline of the article, and lay the groundwork for wherever you choose to take it.

  • hunger: 4

hmmm you kind of break down into a string of insults thrown at the reader, which tends to get rather tedious. the bit about searching for a cure for hunger was interesting, though, i'd like to see more development on that front. the first paragraph really didn't seem like proper english.

  • i so fooled you: 4

again, you just rely on taunting the reader, but i can see veins that could be extremely funny if you followed them. you sort of taunt the reader with pictures and descriptions of food, as if a hungry person was reading the article. this is great; i think you should draw that out a lot more.

  • steps of hunger: 2

this is really just a little list, with no real value. i think you can get rid of it.

  • still hungry?: 7

the first part of this section was again fairly weak, but i really do like the ending. i was going to suggest making the bite slightly bigger, but express my concern about viewing at different resolutions at the same time. yet you've solved that problem by making that paragraph an image. brilliant, sir.

Concept: 7.5 5/5 points for a well-known subject deserving of parody.

2.5/5 points for execution - about half of your article has a lot of promise, the other half really doesn't sparkle. see end comments.

Prose and formatting: 7 this article is fairly short, i think it can be extended. your prose needs a bit of work. the formatting is fine; maybe try to condense your sections into two or three paragraphs rather than many.
Images: 5 you only have the one image, with no caption, but i think you've got the right idea. the thought of an article on hunger filled with images of delicious food makes me giggle. throw some more in there, with captions stating how delicious each thing is, and i think it would greatly increase the funniness and general funnyicity of the article.
Miscellaneous: 6.1 ave'd.
Final Score: 30.4 my preview button tells me that your score is 30.4, placing it right at the "nearly adequate" level. fear not! your score can greatly improve if you follow some of the general instructions i offer. firstly, focus on your concept. an article about hunger which taunts the reader with food is great, but i think a more indirect approach than you use might work much better. secondly, add some more images. maybe end with an ice cream, and also throw in a cheeseburger; i don't know, be creative with it. thirdly, i know you've been around here forever, but read HTBFANJS often, and especially just before you start working on your own article. fourthly, i see you wrote this article in twenty-nine minutes. i suggest spending much more time on your work, instead of churning out articles rapid-fire. i have found that the stuff i took my time on is far better received than the stuff i did in a rush. fifthly, i understand your frustration with VFH, it can be quite a bitch at times. despite this, i really do think that this article has VFH potential. i could see myself voting for it, given significant improvements, and i like to think i'm an average voter with average comedic tastes. thusly, i pledge to do everything in my power to help you feature this article. i can just give you general feedback, i can fix it up a touch, or i can co-author it with you; just let me know how i can be of service to you. i can be reached here. i wish you good luck.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:59, 12 August 2008 (UTC)
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