Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hugo Boss

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Revision as of 06:26, October 26, 2009 by DaDopeboy (talk | contribs)

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FAQ

edit Hugo Boss

I was made up this article unseriously (to spare time), but after it ends I realized like, this is not bad. So please be kind unless you think it has any potential to be featured. :){{User:DaDopeboy/sig}} 07:27, October 21, 2009 (UTC)

2 days have passed...I guess its an odd thing. Somebody please please review this please...I feel like dumbass if this article valuated as no worth to pee....--{{User:DaDopeboy/sig}} 05:12, October 23, 2009 (UTC)

As a rule it is best not to expect instant service on anything round here, I am working on the queue when I can and so are other users and to select a review most people just click on one they quite like the sound of. Fear not you are not forgotten and I will pick this one up when I can, anyone else can pick it up too though. --ChiefjusticeDS 11:37, October 23, 2009 (UTC)

OK, I'll pick this one up later on today. --ChiefjusticeDS 10:11, October 25, 2009 (UTC)

I have a sore leg and was punched in the face 2 hours ago, but I'm still doing this one. YEAH! --ChiefjusticeDS 20:31, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
Thank you very much Chief. Sorry if I took a lot of your precious time for reviewing this. I'll read through HTBFANS once again and remake my article. --Dah Dope Boyz' 06:26, October 26, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 3 You seem to have a reasonable idea of what you want to do with the humour, but your execution is quite significantly lacking, so much so that it effects the humour of the article. The first thing I would recommend you do is consult HTBFANJS, since some of your humour seems to be in violation of parts of it. Try to remember that, as the ICU tag puts it "Coherence is like a horse, and funny is like a cart.

For your article to go places, the coherence must come first." This applies to your article more than it does to others because your coherence is poor. People won't laugh at jokes if they cannot understand them or they have to sit and decipher confused writing before they get the punchline. I found that as I read through your article the jokes came so fast and overlapped each other that the meaning of each one was lost. For example "Darth Vader was a Sith lord, he once met Hitler who was a Nazi and they had stormtroopers too, and Hitler was like 'OMGZ stormtroopers'". Notice how there it is hard to appreciate any one of the jokes because they are surrounded by so many others, so slow your style down, focus on making a single joke per section or at least focusing on one thing. That brings me neatly onto the other problem, you have obviously decided to exploit Hugo Boss' real-life involvement in Nazi Germany, but this would be better done by taking advantage of the actual events rather than making some up. Remember that anyone who comes to the page will be looking to read a humourous slant on a well known high-street brand, and not a long fiction about Hitler and his secret breasts. I think you have the right idea besides these two problems, your jokes are valid once you extricate them from the rest of the text and your concept is sound, you are just being let down by some incoherency in your writing and the wrong approach to the humour. My best advice would be to check out HTBFANJS (this is not a sleight on your writing, it is a really useful tool even for experienced editors) and then to try to go back through the article and clean things up. When I say clean things up I would suggest that you read through slowly and try to establish the best way to approach each section, once you have done that, try to rephrase or rewrite the stuff in that section, while bearing both my advice and that given in HTBFANJS in mind.

Concept: 7 Your concept is good, as I have said above, your execution of it is the problem. Refer to the above for more information, but essentially you need to try to approach the real life events, which you can find here, you could even parody the wikipedia article directly, take note how they are writing and copy that style. Your tone is also pretty good, but I will save any comments on that until the main problems are resolved because they could necessitate some major changes. The main thing you should bear in mind is that your tone should be consistent, whether you write more informally (as seen here) or you write formally in the same style as the wikipedia article (an excellent example of that style can be found here).
Prose and formatting: 2 Now this is a major major issue. The prose are so poor in some instances that the actual meaning of the article is obstructed and it took me a good 20 minutes to finally glean all the information that was obviously supposed to be instantly attainable from the article. This problem strikes in the middle of your three line preamble, I was so convinced that I had read it wrong I got some other people to read it, but they couldn't figure out what you meant either. This needs sorting, even if English is not your first language there is no excuse to have spelling and grammar in this state. I would urge you to get in touch with the wonderful people at the proofreading service who are there to help people like you who have difficulties with spelling and grammar, just add this template {{Proofread}} to the page. If you don't want to do that then you should proofread carefully yourself, you can pick up your most obvious problems by putting the article's text into a text document that has a spell checker, this will pick out sentence fragments, incorrect spellings and, in some cases, incorrect use of punctuation. You should then read through carefully yourself to make sure you have gotten all the problems sorted out. Your image formatting needs work too, images should have a gap between them and should be spaced appropriately. Some serious work is needed here.
Images: 6 OK, your images should essentially compliment the text and should be amusing in their own right. For this I would suggest moving the first image to the gallery section and then scrapping the other two that are in the main body of the article. I think that you can do better than the present images, be creative, photo shop an image of Hugo Boss in Nazi Germany and caption it appropriately, be as creative as you can with the new images, try to make them compliment your text and still be amusing. There are a whole lot of ways you can go with this so I will leave it in your capable hands. Another brief point would be to work on your captions, they can make or break an image and their importance should not be underestimated. Remember to make any captions fit the humour of the rest of the article, unless a joke in the article suggests that it shouldn't be.
Miscellaneous: 4 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 22 The scoring reflects the inconsistent nature of this one, it is built on solid foundations, the final execution is the problem. You clearly have the ability and talent for writing, so work at it, I believe there is some real potential here. Read HTBFANJS, don't be afraid of asking for help or directly ripping off styles from other articles and try to clean this one up a little. If you have any questions, comments or requests for me then feel free to contact me here. Don't be discouraged by some of the negative comments in this review, I really think you can make this work, good luck.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 21:25, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
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