Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hudson Plane Crash (Quick)

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edit Hudson Plane Crash

Hudson Plane Crash UnNews <--- The Real Link

My second UnNews Article, looking for comments, advice, criticism, funny or not, all comments are welcome =). Thanks in advanced. --Volatile 16:39, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

Volatile 16:39, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

Outhouse   Tagstit   doesn't believe in new fancy-pancy toilet systems with running water and all. Just a hole in the ground with a lil' cover will do. Now gimme' your article and I'll be done in a few minutes.

While you are welcome to review this, I suggest you find another article in need of help so that we can clear the ever growing Pee Request list.

Humour: 7 Brilliant! This is a higher score than what the actual humor score should be but I give you this for the amazing improvement over your last one. Simply amazing. There is more flow, more direction, less randomness, you have really increased your writing skills tenfold from your last attempt. It was still not at perfection though and there a few things I suggest you look over before you finish this baby up.

First of all, personally, I find the use of strikethroughs or in other words, this, a poor attempt at humor and something that should be seldomly used. The humor effect of it is run down to the ground so it is not funny in that way, and overall, using too many really makes your article look uglier.

Secondly, there are some parts in which you go a bit too far into detail over, and it is simply not necessary. For example, the part about the U in Al-Qaeda, is a very clever and funny concept, but stretched too far looses its effect. I suggest just taking out "The repercussions of this action have brought up smart asses everywhere back talking their teachers whenever they try and teach about u’s after q’s." and adding something a bit fresher instead. Or end the paragraph in a nicer way without "killing" the joke.

Finally, some articles don't have to exactly "wrap up" in the end. After all, this is a news article and news is constantly changing. You wrap this up saying that the U.S. successfully countered and everything is good again. I suggest ending saying "the war between geese and swallows is still going on to this day" and something about "more will be reported hourly." Of course this is very bland and you could find a more clever way to end this I am sure.

Concept: 8 An excellent take on a very recent event. The timing with the war and the plane and everything is just perfect. I personally doubt I could even come up with a better humorous take on this situation. I was truely amazed and impressed at your concept. Ahh! I forgot, in humor delete the part about the Mutant robot zombie ninja jet-pack dinosaur Hitlers, because that is starting to head back into the random ways you have tried so hard to get out of. Also the part about starfox. I guess that fits in concept because deleting those will make it more straightforward. That is all I really have to say about concept, the reason it is not a ten is because you do go random some times, and go away from the seemingly more serious tone in your article.
Prose and formatting: 3 This massively let down your article. Everything was good but there were some blinding grammatical errors. Full sentences didn't even make sense. For example, "The terrorist but not eaten due to their traditions of not eating meat on Hanukkah." This is just lazy, and a simple read through or spellcheck would have fixed the problem. Go through and change your wording so it makes sense, and make sure you spelt everything right. If you need help, I will gladly run through this and make changes as needed without changing any themes, ideas, or attempts at humor, only fixing grammar. If you would like this just tell me on your talk page and I will gladly be at your service.
Images: 7 I am not sure if it is original or not, but if it is nice, if not whatever, still fits. It adds humours value and complements the article well. One more might have sufficed and is probably needed if you ever want to VFH this thing (I don't know if that is your intention though). But you will need more text in order to add another, so it is your choice.
Miscellaneous: 8 Averaged plus one because your knew ;) plus one because AMAZING improvement ;) ;)
Final Score: 33 Amazing, this score is maybe a BIT high and maybe others would disagree, but I am very impressed by your improvement and feel it should be acknowledged. Fix up a few random ends and brush up your writing and you will have a great piece of work. Good luck bud!
Reviewer: --~SirTagstitVFHNotMPEEINGCPTRotMBFF 06:37, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

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