Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Howto: Be the Fastest Runner in the World!!!
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Man in the Ceiling 19:46, 8 August 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||*The opening/Why Run?: 4
A few things about the opening; for one thing, !!1! isn't very funny anymore unless you're using it to make fun of a noob. Usually, you should try and keep exclamation points to a minimum, or at least don't use more than one. As well as this, making fun of women isn't really that funny; to be honest, not that many people will be amused, and I suggest getting rid of this portion. As long as it's there, though, don't use huge numbers (or at least don't type them out like you did.) Lululemon doesn't make sense to me, either.
You contradict yourself pretty quickly in the shoe section, which threw me off. You say shoes are unnecessary and then immediately begin claiming their virtues. The shoe section itself didn't really get me; it's a list, and lists are usually bad. I suggest changing it to a paragraph, with the first three kinds of shoes described in a single sentence and then talk about custom ones afterwards. Also, then you say shoes are completely unnecessary, which wasn't really funny and just made it pointless. After that, the shorts section is pretty funny, though please don't say Epic Fail, because we've heard it already.
This didn't get me. The 'points' system wasn't effective, nor did it add humor. You continually just insult the reader instead of insulting the items themselves. Bigger descriptions on the individual items and mores jokes about them instead of just saying they suck could work better. Otherwise, it's not funny and reads more like an Encyclopedia Dramatica article. Also, the "lame" and "good" sections are unbalanced, meaning you may just want to sum up the good accessories in a short paragraph instead of a list.
Just a little tip, "this is the most important section besides what I've already talked about" is unnecessary. That's not really a humor thing, just saying.
This was a little bit better, but it gets a bit repetitive. Slim it down into a couple paragraphs without repeating your point over and over and it'll work. Other than that, it's fine.
The bit about drugs needs some more expansion, because there's a lot of unexplored potential for humor here. For example, you could discuss the effects more in depth, maybe poke fun at people who do use drugs, or just the effects of drugs themselves. There's definitely a lot for you to say, just spend a little time on it. As for the end, the anticlimax worked well for me except for, again, Epic Fail is unnecessary.
|Concept:||7||It's a decent concept, but you continue to change the voice that you're telling the article in. For a while, it sounds like an infomercial, which is probably the best way to do this sort of thing; a little bit demeaning while still encouraging and pushing expensive equipment/items (which you talk a lot about). Keep the powerful voice while still remaining detached for more humor, but insulting and picking on the reader more than a little bit makes the article less funny.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||There's a lot of rough spots in here that need repairing, and you should go back and re-read it, slowly, fixing things up. For example, second paragraph: "Chicks love real mean." There's some commas missing in various spots. Also, you use CAPS A LOT, which is kind of annoying. Instead of using CAPS for emphasis, use bold. There's missing capitals as well, particularly when you're listing the accessories. As far as formatting goes, there's a large block of text after your first image that could use something else, and your second image is way too big and makes it awkward looking.|
|Images:||6||The pictures didn't do much for me except for the last one. The first one is decent but it should probably be right at the top, and you should talk about it more in the article itself, tell the reader how awesome they'll be, etc. As for the second picture, it doesn't fit with the rest of the article or really elicit laughs. Since you're talking about posers here, maybe you should get a normal looking person jogging and something about them being a total poser? Just throwing it out there.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.2||Averaged, but I'll throw something out there: I suggest moving the page to HowTo:Be the Fastest Runner in the World. The !!! looks sloppy and HowTo is the standard format for that sort of page.|
|Final Score:||31.2||This has some potential, and fixing up the prose and trimming and expanding sections as necessary could make it into a pretty good article.|
|Reviewer:||--Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 20:53, 8 August 2008 (UTC)|