Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/How to: Solve a problem with cannons
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http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/User:Lockdandload/how_to:_solve_a_problem_with_cannons Lockdandload 21:13, March 7, 2011 (UTC)
edit: first work. Lockdandload 21:15, March 7, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||First off, I don't really like quotes in articles. They're bothersome to read and look more to waste space. Yours, however, are little bit more clever than the average quote, although that might be because I'm in a better mood than usually and find some things funny that I would usually not. Either way, your quotes are a good start. Now let's go by Section:
"Problems Defined" Your first sentence: "A problem is simply the difference between what you have and what you want." That's nice and all, although I have no idea what it means. I'm pretty sure that's not the definition of a problem, so you might want to change that sentence. To what? I don't know, I'm not exactly sure I get the idea your trying to make so I can't offer any real suggestions, so sorry. Next up, the rest of the paragraph, "It may be a matter of getting something, of getting rid of something, or getting a bigger something, like a bigger cannon. Problems arise not when the two forces are battling, but when there is an imbalance between them in the environment. Like when your neighbor's dog laying a big turd on your lawn. It's not like you even have a dog, clearly he imbalances the situation." The humour in this paragraph is good, if it hadn't been ruined by the misuse of the english language. That last sentence should be combined with the sentence before it and putting a period instead of a comma before 'clearly.' This small change will really help with the humour in the article, trust me.
"starting to believe in yourself":First, capitalize the title. Next, your introductory sentence to this section is good, makes the reader laugh a bit. Now then, you have the same problem in this section as you in the rest: your formatting of the sentences is awful and really ruins the humour of the article. Reading it, I can tell that the section would be very funny; you make good jokes about fear of the world and seeing a shrink, but the flow is completely off and ruins it. Fix that!
"Shift your focus:" First, capitalize ALL of the title. Second, you once again have very good humour, but ruin all of it with the horrible use of sentences; periods where there shouldn't be any, inability to capitalize correctly. THe one thing I don't find very humorous in this section is your repeat of the phrase "i hate dogs." This doesn't really add to the humour to the article and actually kind of ruins it (You're writing an article dedicated to blowing up dogs with a canon. We KNOW you hate dogs already).
"Think of what you really want to achieve": I'm not to sure about this section. For one, your english skills...are still lacking. Second, the ending of the paragraph isn't that funny. The last two sentences, "I'm assuming that, like the lazy bums we all are, we'll just leave the commercials out of it. Too much paperwork," don't make that much sense. Why are we bothering with the commercials anyways? How do commercials have anything to do with paperwork? You need to re-write those last two to clarify what you mean, because right now, I have no idea what you just wrote.
"how can you accomplish your goal": CAPITALIZE. Hopefully, I've burned that thought into your head by now. Now, let's discuss the sentence with the main source of humour value here, "(like blasting the dog with a direct shot, loading the dog into the cannon, loading all the dogs in the street in the cannon or shooting the dogs owner, or shooting the owner of the company that supplies the dogs favorite meal, or launching a 100 kg cannonball right through the damn corporate finance company manager that made the decision to fund the dogs in the first place. i hate dogs." One, all those examples are a little tiring to read. You might want to delete one or two, or find a way to shorten them so that you don't lose the interest of the reader. Also, how did the finance manager decide to 'fund the dogs?' Did you mean to 'fund the dog food?' Check that.
"Different views of the situation":Hmmmm, some comments here. For one, you created a list that you show was actually pointless for the reader to read. If I may suggest something, you should give reasons for all of those views, and then say something like, "But the one view I really like, is 'mine,' where we take the other neighbor's cat, stuff it in the cannon, knock on the neighbor's door, wait for him and the dog to come out annnnd BAM! You've just solved both problems. Tow birds with one stone." or something like that. Just any idea.
"The Act": Good, the title is capitalized. Also, it's blank........well, we almost had it right. You don't really have anything in this section, unless I'm assuming that that small video is part of the section? In which case, you need to format it better so that the reader can tell that more clearly, maybe put the video in the middle or make it bigger so that the reader can see that it IS the section, or something like that.
"Making a habit out of it": I feel like you could really expand this section. Maybe talk about other uses of cannons to solve problems or go more in depth of when to use the cannon. Your ending is short and abrupt, but at least it is kind of funny. Look to add something to this section.
Overall, you humour is well placed, but the english errors really makes the article less funny than it could be. I also was wondering why you only want to talk about shooting dogs? The title is about solving problems, not solving how to stop your neighbor's dog from pooping on your lawn. You should add some more examples of problems, or change the title of the article to make it more appropriate. If you do want more examples, maybe you could talk about shooting a vending machine when it gets your candy stuck, thus solving your problem, or maybe shooting the car of a driver who cuts you off so that he'll never do it again. THAT will defintely solve a few problems for sure.
|Concept:||5.5||I like your general idea of solving problems with cannons. It's interesting and gives you so much material to work with to expand upon the humour in the article. However, you fail to expand upon any other ideas besides shooting dogs (Maybe you have some underlining issue with dogs?) with the cannons. I go more in depth into this issue in the humour section. That's about it for the concept, I just had to take points off for you not reaching the article's full potential.|
|Prose and formatting:||3||Is your formatting a little messed up? Yes. If your spelling and grammar really off? Yes. Am I being a complete ass right now? Abso-freaking-lutely. In all honesty, the main thing that gets about this article is the immense number of spelling errors. You also have some grammar issues with some sentences and there's some issues I have with your formatting, which I will go into later. First, your spelling. You really need to re-read this article and pick those out because those can really lower the humour value of an article, since it makes the reader feel like you didn't put as much effort into writing the article as you should have. For example, you have 'meant,' spelled out as 'ment.' You need to check for those kinds of spelling errors. Also, you have a lot of misuses of capitalization; remember, 'I' is always capitalized when using it as a pronoun and you don't capitalize words in middle of sentences unless they are identifying a person, place, or thing, and you always capitalize the words in the beginning of a sentence.
You also have some unusually sentences written out, like this one, "Fear of dogs is most common in mailmen and Cats but can be overcome with simple logic. or, if this doesn't work, see a shrink." In this sentence, you need a comma before 'but,' and that period after 'logic' should be a comma as well. You need to re-read this article and make sure you find all these errors and correct them. It makes the article look poorly written.
Also, I notice a lot of use of italics. In some cases, the italics are ok, but you use them way too many times for words and sentences that it doesn't work with. Look to minimizing the amount of times you use italics, otherwise it makes the article feel a little weird.
You also have a lot of issues with tenses, writing past tense when you meant to write present tense, etc. You should fix those too.
Also, you seem to never insert ending quotation marks or parenthesis, like here, "there are no problems, only opportunities. So what is the first thing you think of when your neighbours dog shits in your lawn? (You never put the ending quotation mark at the end of your quote. You need to do that)
My last issue is with the titles. You fail to capitalize the words in the titles, which is a big no-no. Also, some of your titles don't have that much content and should either be expanded or combined. For example, I think your Shift Your Focus section could easily be combined with Think of what you really want to achieve Just a suggestion.
So make sure to re-read your article, I'm serious. This article needs some serious proof-reading and sooner you do that, the better. On the plus side, this part of the article is probably the easiest to fix, so there you go.
|Images:||4||You only have one image and one video. The video is fine, except for its formatting, which I went over beforehand. The one picture your have though is well placed and the caption is good (although some english errors there), but that's the only picture you have. If I may suggest some ideas, maybe of a picture of your own cannon with a caption like, "My cannon Bessy. This ol' girl's shot a lot of dogs in her time...and some confederate soldiers when it still worked in the Civil War." or something like that. You could also have a picture of a dog with a caption like, "I'll show you not to poop on my lawn!" The main point I'm trying to tell you is to get some more pictures. It will really help with the humour|
|Miscellaneous:||5.5||Overall, your main issue is spelling and grammar. I can't stress that enough, you need to fix it and the article will look 10X better. You also might want to consider changing the title of the article from 'problems' to dogs, or at least add some more examples of problems where cannons help. Also, add some more pictures, and really fix the spelling and grammar. I know I've said that already, but it's important to fix it.|
|Final Score:||24||So that's about it, most of the issues have been outlined. Hope I was able to help you out, especially since I look forward to seeing how this article turns out (I like the path its headed down). if you have any questions, just pop by my talk page and let me know, I'll be more than glad to help. Alright then, PEACE.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 23:54, March 7, 2011 (UTC)|