Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Walk like a normal person (2nd review)

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edit HowTo:Walk like a normal person

This is my second review of this article,Gerrycheevers wrote the first one, thank you, Gerry.

Velosi-T 02:31, 22 July 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 6.875 First of all, sorry for putting this off, blame the people who keep doing stuff on my talk page. And now onto... le review!
  • top: -7- - It's short, but then again, at this rate I think I need War and Peace as an opening before I say it's the right length! It works though, definitely - sets up the rest of the article well. I think the "run-down hovel" joke would work better as just that, without the strikethrough to middle-class home.
  • Step 1:Getting up: -7- - Again, fairly good. It's a bit condescending, but that's intentional, so meh. It could use breaking up - always try for two paragraphs per heading is my personal preference. It could use a bit more detail about the surroundings too, as an area for expansion.
  • Step 2:Basic anatomy: -5- - This bit felt a bit flat to me. Mainly because it felt extremely short in comparison - there's so much you could do here! Maybe say something about how dirty his feet are? Or about how his head feels heavy when he tried to get up? This needs more content, and I know you can do it!
  • Step 3:First steps: -6- - Getting back on track here. It's pretty much your average section, has some bits that could be improved, but mostly decent and keeps the flow. Moving on...
  • Advanced walking techniques: -8- - Yes, I've done all three sub-sections in one. These are the best sections in the piece. Lines such as "Ignore the mind-bending pain coming from your feet, that just enhances the walking experience " are really good! One thing I would say: Either expand the arm swinging section, or merge it with the stairs one, as it's insanely small right now.
  • Happy walking!: -6- - Ah, the ending (and the end of the review for me, doing humour last and all). It's snappy, and it works, but I can't give one sentence any more than a 6 personally. I prefer a couple of sentences, though I'm not really sure what would work?
Concept: 7 It's a decent concept. Not exactly an automatic feature if you do it right, but still decent. It could use a bit of expansion towards the start, as I said above in a bit (that's the correct tense, I'm doing concept before humour here), it's used the potential of the concept very well already. Good job.
Prose and formatting: 6 This feels cluttered. Your prose is fine - it presents the style of HowTos very well. It's the formatting that needs improving here. You seem to have too many things, in too many places - take the tip template as an example - it hovers over two of the sections, moving the [edit] link in a bit, which doesn't look at all professional. You just need to jig some stuff around to make it all neat and presentable in my opine.
Images: 6 It feels like there's maybe one too many images here. That run you have of Tip template - Image - Image especially feels like they're too close to each other. But meh, that's more of a formatting issue. All the pictures you have are relevant, and while they aren't side-splittingly hilarious, they're more than adequate.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 n/a
Final Score: 32.375 I know I score harshly, and for me, this is a good score - it just needs a bit of touching up and neatening before becoming a fine article. Good job!
Reviewer: ~~Heeren ["Meh"] [tecħ] [kurk] [23/07 20:01]
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