Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Survive the apocalypse
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UNmarine777 23:18, August 15, 2011 (UTC)
- Okay, I'll review this. Now. Ish. I think. 18:05, 5 September 2011
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|I think your main issue here, and thus the main thing to work on, would probably be the cohesion of the piece, how it doesn't really stick to any situation in particular and just sort of jumps between different possible apocalypses. This ruins so much potential of an apocalypse because it doesn't ever really focus on anything. Basically, pick one, or pick some, and stick with those throughout the thing. Merge a whole slew into one crazy Hollywood Armageddon if you'd like; not only would that cover multiple options, but such silliness might prove pretty amusing in of itself (I did something similar with this article, listing off every plot line every time it came up, but they all still fit with the main thing). Perhaps the zombies are chasing you down, scared out of their loche by the terminators you were trying to kill, but your gun kept locking up, and then there was too much radiation, and the giant bugs got out and I don't even know. Maybe the radiation was to try to kill the giant bugs, which they were using to try to get rid of the zombies, which were a government experiment in response to the terminators, which started being an issue because a horde of old people got fed up with their children sticking them in retirement homes and decided to revolt by building horrible machines...
Or you could just use one thing that comes up a lot these days, say, zombies or aliens, or a more classical thing such as war breaking out among the gods, but whatever you use, stick to it throughout and be consistent. You're writing a howto, here; surely you know what the situation is. Define it for us as you solve it for us.
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|Giant lists and bad grammar would be your issues here. Basically, lists are bad. Don't list a giant pile of possible stuff; go in-depth into a few specific things; it should make the jokes much easier. For the grammar, proofread, or get someone to proofread it. It's certainly readable, mind, so it's not a major concern, but something to look to.
Your tone, on the other hand, is pretty good, though again with consistency - it's like a sort of shifty snake-oil salesman, which seems to work, so do keep that. Main thing throwing it off seems to be the lists, though, so yeah. Lists don't help much of anything.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|Specifics, then, what is there now, and whatnot:
Since, not sense... anyway, this doesn't really do much. Set the situation more, emphasis how we need this howto, and that should help. Refunds of what, though?
If it's been 25 winters since the apocalypse, how is this day one? Consistency, mon, keep the story straight. And why did the the reader survive, then? Is the apocalypse itself over? If you start it while it's on-going, or devote the first section to background of just what did happen, that might help more; then you can build off that and break straight into the action. Nevermind planning; you know how the zombie movies are. Run for your life! Steal a tank! Drive around! Nice idea, but why not let the reader drive a tank around, at least until they crash it? The things are, after all, quite sturdy; should survive.
Address the situation
I'm not entirely sure what this section is for - if you define the situation, as you're probably going to have to, there will be no need for this at all as we'll just be following the howto, but even as it is it doesn't add much. Perhaps just move on?
Well, being prepared is important, but would we really have had time to do so? At any rate, if this is the first thing, then logically it should be the first thing after the initial explanation of what's going on. As for the table in the shelter underground, that's not a bad idea, but it seems a little drawn-out. Instead of saying 'do you want to go why, may as well go right into that, I suppose - get to the point, and all.
Beer is important. It can also make a nice weapon when lit on fire, though usually you want a more alcoholic thing for that.
As for the supplies, ugh list. That's my impression, anyhow. Bloody tired of the things... just pick a few, perhaps, mention how the reader would want to try to grab some things, such as x, y, and z, especially since <reasons>. Some sort of gun, certainly, and a crowbar - that reference is one most folks are apt to get, and a silly notion to boot. I also rather like the idea of grabbing a plane on the way to the shelter, whilst carrying beer and a table...
Things to do in the future
Wait, when is this happening? Anyway, if everyone's dead, well... everyone's dead. Ain't they zombie-fodder by now? That said, this guide is about how to survive, not what to do afterwards... that said, leaving the reader with no idea what to do afterwards might be a good move... maybe just leave them in the ditch after they explode (or fail to explode, or run away from, or...) obligatory enemy stronghold/hatchery/radiation generator/spaceship/whatever that naturally has to be destroyed to make everything stop getting worse... because that ditch is good, too.
Things to worry about
This really isn't helping the article, just a list tacked on that doesn't really fit anywhere. Individual list items might do well merged into the body of the rest of the article, however.
Occupations in the future
Again, not really helping - just another list, and less relevant than the other.
This doesn't really conclude much, unfortunately... not that things labelled 'conclusion' tend to. Once the matter is resolved, it's resolved, and that is a wonderful stopping place, even if it does leave the reader lying in a ditch. Ditches are good.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|The explosions are suitably apocalypsy, but they don't really fit much with the article itself, same as the Mr Peanut... stick to things that come up in the article and illustrate those, else you may just wind up distracting, or worse, confusing your readers. Captions'll make them fit, too - perhaps one of the explosions is what happened to the tanks, or something?
Paparazzi, though, that seems like one of the last concerns of someone trying to escape with their life... wait, but those people... they look like zombies. Could it be... the thinking of the paparazzi caused that guy to let his guard down and he's going to be eaten?
As for the guy, it's a gun. Okay.
Anything else... or not...
|Mmmm, roasted headcrab...|
|Final score |
20:56, 5 September 2011
|Right, here's your review; only took a few months. Hopefully this will help, if you have any questions, you can probably find my talkpage, yadda yadda pie. But seriously, keep working on this.|