Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Survive the Titanic (2nd pee)
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Made some revisions based on the first pee. Please be critical. I want to get this thing a VFH. --—John Lydon 12:11, June 10, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||OK, I've given the article and its original review a thorough read through, and to be honest, I don't think it really needs a second one. Still, you requested it so here it is. A result of this however, is that the review might not be as in-depth as you might have liked. But you should take this as a compliment. A lot of my criticisms are going to little more than nitpicking, but ultimately I hope they give you some ideas on how to improve this, if only in a minor way.
In contrast to the last review, I think the article (although generally good) is much less funny in the first few sections. In this part of the review I will simply take you through a few of the jokes and make suggestions on how you can get more belly laughs. I think there's are a few missed opportunities for lols in here. And also, I'll just take you through a few of the jokes I feel don't work very well.
The line in the intro; "it's 1912, what did you expect to be wearing?" for instace, sticks out for me. It's not particularly funny, nor does it make that much sense. Obviously people wore lots of clothes in 1912, and I don't think one piece bathing suits are a well known enough cliche for this joke to work. Keep the reference though as I like the image, and will talk more about this bit in prose and spelling.
Then in Step 1, the joke about the stewardess going through the narrator's stuff also falls a bit flat. I feel the character of the stewardess isn't defined enough for jokes like this to work, and as a result it seems out of place. Try to keep jokes more in line with article's humour, perhaps make it look obvious that the narrator is lying about the stewardess being a thief, and is just making wild accusations to get the reader on his side. Again, if you want to beef up the funniness here, try making more unexpected jokes. You could easily turn this part on its head by saying "who are you going to trust, a trained professional like her, or me, a complete stranger?" Both of these suggestions are more consistent with the characterisation of the narrator, and also more unexpected.
Another good example of where you could go a little further is the part where you talk about people doing stupid things when they panic. This felt like it was going to build to something big and funny, but it didn't really go anywhere. You didn't even make a joke, which I thought was a missed opportunity. It would be nice to see a fourth thing on the end of the list things, something slightly absurd so it builds to a humorous crescendo. Not something too absurd mind, as this is not that kind of article. Something believable but unexpected. It was a similar situation in the part about stealing stuff, you could have got in a reference to something humorous you might be able steal on the Titanic. Sketches of naked women, for example. While not hilarious, this is the right kind of thing to aim for, as in reality it's a bit absurd, but the reader will be able to accept the absurdness because it's a reference to something that happened in the film Titanic.
When looking for untapped humour, another thing that struck me was the fondling bit. The narrator seemed suspiciously certain that the women won't mind being fondled. Is he speaking from experience? There might be some more jokes you can make with that in mind.
Finally, another joke that failed in my opinion - the Rosie O'Donellum one. The thicker lady joke is fine by itself, the hidden link reference just cheapens it. It's nowehere near as imaginitive as the rest of the humour in here, and I would recommend you remove it.
|Concept:||8||Again, no major problems here. I have a couple of ideas though for things you could work on, the first being about the narrator. The idea of a HowTo narrator giving the reader despicable advice is something I've seen quite a few times now. That's not to say you don't do it well, and I'm not suggesting you change it. But perhaps there are ways to set it apart and make it a little more original? There are two things you hint at conceptually that I really liked, and thought could be expanded. First of all, there's the idea that the guide itself is totally useless and unhelpful. If you developed this into more a running joke, subtlely revealing it through the writer's ignorance, it would really give the article an edge over the competition. The other is the jokes you make about the reader's chances being very slim (you do this well in section 2 and at the end when the narrator is surprised that he survived). It might be good if you were to refer to this at least once more, perhaps alluding to the reader's panic to highlight the narrator's inefficiency.
Then there's the mystery of how to procure the lifeboat... This could potentially be a problem. Now you do handle it very well, I like the idea of the narrator not knowing how to procure a lifeboat, but at the sime time it kind of feels like a cop-out. I suggest you think about what you prefer, a funny explanation of how to get one, or your joke of him not knowing. If you choose the latter, I think you need to expand it. Make more jokes about the guide being really unhelpful to tie it all together. Like I say above, try to get the reader's opinions accross more as he or she question's the narrator's methods - like you do in the bit where you say: "What's that, you say? What's with all the last day on earth talk? You thought if you followed my plan you would be fine?" Make it seem like the narrator is non-commital rather than you yourself.
If you think it would be better with a section on how to get the lifeboat, there were a few things that sprung to mind. Maybe the reader could use the jewels they stole to barter for one? Far-fetched I know, but you might be able to get some jokes in at the expense of the greedy people who would make such a deal. Or perhaps the reader could dress up as women and children? (Not necessarily both at the same time, although that could be funny too). If you do take this route you wouldn't have to change much really, because the after making a few suggestions the narrator could still resort to just saying "I don't know, you figure it out" having got frustrated that the reader didn't like any of his ideas.
One more thing. Although not a major detractor, the bit about stocking up on lobster might make more sense in step 2, rather than step 3 (or you could refer to the fact that the narrator should have mentioned that sooner, thus adding another gag about it being an unhelpful guide).
|Prose and formatting:||8||Very few problems here too, so good job there. Your spelling is top notch, and the only correction I think I have is that "foolproof" is one word.
There are a few instances where I think your prose could be improved, again it's nothing major, you just lose the flow a little. This part of the intro: "After coming to terms with the fact that you just ruined any chance you may have had of returning that new one piece bathing suit which is now soaked in bodily excretions, you realize that you just renewed your subscription to Playboy and you can't let that go to waste!" is a tad messy and hard to read. I would suggest you try to trim useless phrases like "after coming to terms..." and "the fact that...", they make it more complicated than it needs to be. To make your jokes as clear as possible, you just have to write as simply as you can. Also, I think the one piece bathing suit joke might work better if you drop the first reference to it. If you just keep the one about not being able to return it, it's les expected, and I think it would be funnier.
Then later there's the bit where the narrator makes a note to himself about going back and adding instructions to find a "thicker lady." This was also a bit messy, and would probably work better if you just said "Didn't I mentioned that in Step 2? Ah well, it's too late now." Or words to that effect. Just something simpler basically.
|Images:||7||I know it's not a particularly long article, but it would be nice to see at least one more. The ones you have are pretty good, just to my taste (I tend to go for pics with photographic quality rather than comic value myself). Not all users feel the same, in fact I find that many feel the exact opposite, so it's always a good idea to try and find some outwardly funny ones (ie. images that are funny without captions). Don't worry too much about it though if you can't find any, like I said, the ones you have are good. The black and white style worked well, and would suggest you continue this if you do decide to include more. And in case you do, I find Wikipedia is always a good resource. If you haven't already, why not check out their articles on the subject?|
|Final Score:||37.5||So again, I thought this was a pretty good article. If I saw it on VFH, I would probably vote for. With a bit of a tidy up I might even nom it myself. There's nothing majorly wrong with it, as I've said, but I feel it could be a little funnier towards the start. All the other problems are barely noticeable, and it was only after several reads I even saw them myself. Take what you want from this review, but wherever you choose to go with it, I hope I've been of some help. Feel free to leave me a message about anything else you want help with, or if you're simply lonely. Good luck.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 16:54, June 18, 2010 (UTC)|