Well, User:Why - I'm formally submitting this to be peed on. TSA:"That snow globe is awfully yellow inside, you're going to have to taste that liquid." --Puffskein 05:12, January 9, 2010 (UTC)
Puffskein 05:12, January 9, 2010 (UTC)
I'm not officially claiming this because it will likely be more than 24 hours before I get to it. If someone wants to review it before I can get to it (likely within 48 hours), go for it. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 05:27, January 10, 2010 (UTC)
It's mine now, ha ha! I'll shake this up within 24 hours. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 00:31, January 12, 2010 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer
I'll skip introducing myself as I think you know something about me. As for my credentiala in regard to smuggling snow globes--let's just forget my intro, shall we?
A simple concept, but sometimes simple is best. And in this case, it's based on real guidelines, which you'll likely see a note below saying I'd like something that verifies the restriction is real. You do have the sign near the top of the article, which I think helps. Also I like making fun of silly security and seeing it made fun of, which means I have a bias here.
Prose and Formatting:
You may know I put Humour comments in with P & F to avoid repeating myself unnecessarily, but do score them separately.
All in all I liked this and the way it's written. I think it would benefit from some small improvements, which handily are below.
Like your intro. Sets up a tone of "this is serious" while still tongue in cheek with "population believes they are doing something."
"Following recent terrorism attempts (comma) the Transportation Security Administration (TSA)"--missing comma and also needs ( ) around TSA.
"...spent staring at the little screen"--I'd clarify what screen, maybe even "scanning screen" or something like that. I've been through those things, and had to read this twice to realize what screen the article mean.
Why Smuggle a Snow Globe?
You address this question, while will likely occur to many readers, early on.
"The snow globe is a modern day descendant of the Holy Hand Grenades first used by Medieval Knights."--yes, from the Book of Armaments, and thank you Brother Maynard (I just played my Special Edition of MPatHG in the last couple weeks or so). My first reaction, though, is what does the holy hand grenade have to do with snow globes? This paragraph seems a little muddy--I didn't see how a snow globe can be used as a weapon. If that's your intent (the reader thinking this is ridiculous), then I'd suggest explaining it in a way that's worded as if it makes sense but very obviously doesn't. I did like "The benign, nay, joyous, appearance of these snow globes is what makes them so very dangerous."
"Because the value of these objects"--this seems to be missing a word or two.
"This How-To guide will help you achieve your snow globe smuggling dreams...."--I like this sentence.
Method One: Snow Globe Breasts
"contain metal (semicolon) the metal"
"If any security screener tries to pat you down...."--I like this sentence; it realistically could help smuggling and also explains why the carrier has large, perfectly shaped breasts.
Method Two: Traditional Smuggling
"lubricant to your asshole"--in keeping with the realistic-sounding manual, I'd prefer "anal sphincter" or "anus" or "buttockial orafice" or some such; "asshole" just doesn't seem to fit the tone.
"that you go slow(ly)"--slowly, not slow.
"is secure(ly) inside"
"Put your pants on slowly, and try not to sit down."--like this.
"While it is undoubtedly these extreme cases the TSA seeks to protect against"--I didn't understand this. They want to protect against smugglers getting hurt by snow globes up their anuses? Or does this mean something else?
"Snow globes have been known to cause abrasions, cuts, drowning, and happiness."--I get the idea of presenting bad things and then humorously throwing in a good one, but I'm not sure it works here. For one thing, I didn't get how having a snow globe up your butt could make you drown; and happiness seems a little too vague--maybe something that would give me a clearer idea that having a snow globe up my butt would make me happy--"anal-full happiness" or "analful happiness" or something else?
One list here is done with bullets and the other with numbers. I might like them better if they were done the same, but I'm honestly not sure.
On note 1, "this purpose (semicolon) find it online". I liked note 3, although maybe "professionals" instead of "pros," but that just might be me. On note 4, maybe add something like "The snow globe may not fit at first, and your sphincter may attempt to eject it--check your bottom frequently."
Also don't forget my suggestion of linking to http://www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel/prohibited/permitted-prohibited-items.shtm in regard to allowed carry-on items and maybe even quoting the real guidelines for items acceptable or not for carryons: "Snow globes and like decorations regardless of size or amount of liquid inside, even with documentation. No." (Of course you're free to ignore any and even all of my suggestions).
Found it funny, although the anal part was a little painful for me. With some small rewording (as suggested above), I'd rate this higher.
I like the images. The one with the visible snow globes I found funny, and having a religious icon inside the globes I think is a nice touch. One little problem, though, is that the shape of the globes don't quite mesh with the shape of the breasts. I think it would work a little better if the globes were moved down a little more. I really like the photo of the woman in the white top and the caption, and the no smuggling sign at the top of the article. But I think the two breasts photos, because they're different sizes, would work better if they were both were a little bigger and on the right. In general I think the photos in this article would work a little better if bigger.
Average of above
All in all I really liked this article. Note that, in the past, when I scored an article just below 40, it meant that I thought with a few improvements it could be ready for VFH. Definitely let me know on my talk page if you edit this!