Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Receive a Presidential Pardon

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edit HowTo:Receive a Presidential Pardon

Bbonehead666 05:38, September 3, 2010 (UTC)This is my first original article, so i would like some general pointers and edits.

Peregrine-falcon This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

I'll take a shot at this.--Some_idiot.png 23:48, September 4, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 6 Hello there! In this section, first I will go through each section of your article, and give some improvements. Here we go...
  • Intro: I think you can do better with this. Introductions have to be a paragraph long, they have to be funny, they have to introduce the subject, and they have to draw the reader in. Your intro is not quite long enough. You can definitely expand on it - which gives you more space to add jokes and humor. You also have to draw your reader into the article - hook him in by writing it superbly and by showing him what's coming, and showing him it's going to be funny. I see you trying to do that with your 'Well hello, looks like your in need of a presidential pardon', but it hasn't quite worked for me.
  • Option 1: Wait a second - weren't you trying to get a presidential pardon for something you've already done? Then why is there step 2? Maybe you should delete it. However, I would like you go into the blackmailing a bit more. There would be many things that could go wrong - government assassins, media unresponsive, etc... and you could go into the different aspects of this strategy, and get some good humor out of it.
  • Option 2: You should explain everything a bit clearer here. I also am thinking, that if someone took a hostage, wouldn't they have to flee the country? You could go a bit more into this.
  • Option 3: You say you have to choose a super villain here, and then convince them they need a disaster, but you haven't actually said anything about STOPPING the villain.
  • Improvise: This is an ok finisher, but you could write it a bit better.

There are few more little things I would like to say here, in no particular order.

First of all, you continuously mention stuff about being lonely. It's ok, even great, to have a running joke throughout an article, but this isn't a joke and doesn't quite fit in. It's bit annoying having all these little references, so you may want to delete them.

You have also only half-explained things. Always read your article after you have read it, as you have not fully explained things, which makes the reader a bit confused. I feel as if you have the full idea in mind, but because you've got it there so clearly you forget to add everything in.

Add a quote or two. I know, quotes are definitely overused here, but a well-written quote is always a gem, especially if you have a good concept to work on, like here.

Completely unrelated to humor, I have one last comment. Add some categories! This makes sorting your article a bit easier. Some categories you may add could be ‘Crime’, ‘America’ and ‘Punishment’, for example. You add them like this: [[Category:America]]

Overall, your article is averagely funny. You've got some good ideas in here, even a few that could earn a chuckle. But here are a few things that do hurt the humor.

Concept: 6 This is a rather good idea, as most HowTos are. However, I don’t feel you have quite used your concept to its advantage. You article is an introduction, and three different options. Now, you could expand into new ideas, and I wouldn’t quite mind that. There are definitely some more interesting ways to get a presidential pardon that would be able to milk out more humor.

However, doing that might just get a bit boring. So you could write about some different things. Maybe you could detail the good and bad about each strategy? Give a list of dos and don’ts? If someone wanted to get a presidential pardon, they would want to know a bit more than just some individual strategies. Not only will really build on your article and really juice out the concept, but things like this can give more humor and give more SPACE to add humor.

The other thing is your article is very listy – full of numbered procedures. Now, lists can be funny, but it’s great to add more content than just lists. I’m not saying your article is just lots of lists, but it’s great to have more in a section than just a list. So that is why you should write about some different things to help the person who needs a presidential pardon – so there are not as many procedure lists and some more in-depth blocks of writing.

Prose and formatting: 4 First of all, your prose, or writing style. This is one thing you want to attend to. You have a very jumpy style of writing that is uncertain of itself. At times you talk from a casual first person view, as if you are talking to someone. You state your opinion, and insult the reader. That’s ok. But when you hit some of your certain procedures, you change into a very formal, proper style, with lots of tricky, smart words. This style is ok too, considering your concept. The problem is – you should choose a style.

Now, if you change the style throughout an article for a specific reason, and you do it very well, it can be done, and be good. It’s not particularly good in your case. So I advise you to choose a style of writing, and stick to it. Casual first-person or straightforward Wikipedia style? Both will work, and both will give you different spaces to work with – you may even want to choose a completely different style of your own. You just have to choose one, and stick with it.

Another problem that needs to be addressed is your spelling and grammar. My spelling and grammar myself is quite bad, due to the speed of my typing, so I’m not one to scold you for it. However, it definitely needs attention. Always re-read your articles. If you’re just a naturally bad speller, don’t care to spell properly or are dyslexic or something, I recommend adding the {{Proofread}} tag to your article, and I always do in a review, if spelling is an issue.

Finally, your article doesn’t look overly appealing. A few points here…

  • You don’t need to leave large gaps between sections. These gaps kind of annoy me, and don’t look great either.
  • Links! You have used a few, but it is always good to have a few more than the number you have. You don’t have to have every second word linked to a page, but links are very important, and you should definitely use them to an extent.
  • You may want to a few more pictures in, as your two solitary pictures aren’t that good stuck at the top and bottom. Alternatively, you could just move them.
Images: 4 Your first picture is ok, I suppose. Your second actually needs to state that the picture is of a supervillian for Option 3. Both captions are hurt by bad grammar. You also may want to add another picture in, but considering the length of you article, no more.
Miscellaneous: 5 Averaged your scores.
Final Score: 25 You’ve got a pretty stable article here at the moment. With a few niggly things to be sorted out, a bit of expansion done, your writing style fixed, and spelling and formatting fixed up, this will be a very solid article. I still think there is a bit more room for some more humor. If you follow my advice you can definitely improve this article. I know I haven’t said many good things about the article, but that’s kind of how I am – I just pick on the bad things in an article when I review it. So yeah. I hoped I helped!
Reviewer: --Some_idiot.png 07:45, September 5, 2010 (UTC)
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