Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Not die when eating mushrooms

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edit HowTo:Not die when eating mushrooms

Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 11:07, 8 April, 2011 (UTC)

UN:PR is way full right now. I will instead fill this article with my pee! MUHAHAHA Jackofspades (talk) 00:13, 9 April 2011
Humour: 6.5 Mushrooms you say? Hate 'em, but here we go anyway.

I really like what you're doing with this article so far. However, if I were to come across it via random page or whatever I would probably tag it with an {{expansion}} tag as it is good with what it has so far, but there isn't enough of it. As far as the actual humor in this article is really good. There are a couple areas that fall a little flat as they don't have a very clear joke in them. The second paragraph under "Some methods" which begins 'So you're in a forest' doesn't really have a joke in it as the title covers what you've written in the paragraph. You're just explaining the same thing again, which is only ever funny if the theme is repetition and that's only funny if something in repeated in the same format. The tip on the side also doesn't really add anything to the article as it's actually good advice. It's also kind of common sense, which could be funny if you're article is just full of common sense thing "disguised" as super secret tips. However, that's not the concept you chose for this article, and your concept doesn't really need to be changed. I think you should expand the squirrel method a little more. You don't really need to change anything humor-wise, but there isn't quite enough of it. Since the method is simple enough (catch a squirrel, feed it the mushroom) it's expected to be a fairly small section. However, I think this is a great section to overexplain things. For example, you could say that the amount that you give to the squirrel should be carefully measured in order to make sure that the squirrel will receive the same ratio of mushroom to body mass. First the squirrel should be weighed and the weight compared to your weight. Then the amount of mushroom given to the squirrel should be \frac{W_y}{W_s}=\frac{M_y}{M_s} or M_s=\frac{M_T}{1+\frac{W_y}{W_s}} showing the steps to reach those conclusions could add more to the section, thus making a simple subject extremely overexplained. For the second method you have a couple good jokes there, like the compass thing. However, needing to look up what straight is isn't all that funny. Everyone knows what straight is, what you could do to make it funny is to explain that with mushrooms straight has a different meaning, and it is this meaning that you need to look up. The entire last paragraphs joke is that you need to pick every other mushroom. This isn't really a joke, it's a simple statement of fact much like the tip that you have. If you could explain why this is the case it could be funny, but right now it's just a statement that isn't true.

The section on how to cook mushrooms is pretty much the same quality as the above section. Again, I like what you have in this section, but there isn't quite enough of it. The line about the mother and the last line are really good, but I want to see many more ways to cook mushrooms and many more lines like the two I listed above. The rest of the section will probably have to be rewritten for reasons that have nothing to do with humor.

Concept: 8 You have a good concept here and you stick with it for the entire article. Granted, this article is short so it probably wasn't really that hard. One article that I think it would be good to model this one on is the feature Aesop's Fables which is essentially a list, much as you're going to have this article be (as much as I hate lists, this is ok as your article almost needs to be a list like the link above.) I would definitely recommend going into more detail than Aesop's Fables does, as you need to explain (or overexplain) what and why is going on. Again, I want to emphasize that you should expand upon what you already have here though, what you have fits your concept extremely well. Not much more I can say about the concept.
Prose and formatting: 5 Although the formatting is really good for this article there is a lot that isn't right with the prose. The formatting works for this article, but there are a couple things that should be changed. There are different ways to highlight important words other than bold. Most people use italics to indicate which words are important. Bolded words highlight the words a little too much as they are bigger as well as thicker.

Now for the prose. There are a lot of misspellings and grammar errors. I'll outline a couple of them, but you should really get someone to do a spelling and grammar check on it for you. I'll strike out what you have and put the replacement in red

  • Are you afraid that you can will get ill
  • ...even more then than half empty cans...
  • The idea is, that almost every second mushroom is eatable edible...
  • But you are still feeling unsafely unsafe
  • And if you cook the food with the wrong way
  • This section has some extra-safe cooking recepts recipes
  • ...burn cook the pizza at the oven in 200...
  • That should make take the poisons away

This is by no means all of them and I didn't even show the grammar errors (as I can't explain how to use commas very effectively) nor the misuse of apostrophes. I don't mean to make it seem like I'm being hard on your spelling and grammar. It's pretty obvious that English isn't your first language, and it's a hard one to write in (even for native speakers like me) so you've been doing really well considering.

Images: 6 You have a good start here with 3 images that relate to the article's topic. First off, none of these pictures are funny by themselves, which isn't killer to an article, but that means that your images could be improved on. Getting more humorous images that still fit the captions would be one way to improve this article, but it shouldn't be very high priority. The first picture of the squirrel has a really good caption that could be improved grammatically by changing it to "Squirrels love nuts. They're not so keen on mushrooms but that is the challenge." Not a huge change, but it makes it flow a little better. I'm also not sure that's a squirrel, it kind of looks like a mouse. It took me a little bit to realize this, so it isn't that big of a deal. The second picture, the mushroom, also could use a slight change to the caption to something like "A not very yummy mushroom unless you like wool." Yummy could alternatively be "tasty." The last picture has a caption that is very similar to a line you have in that section. I think you could change it to something like "That's not what the picture looks like...You can have the first piece." This is also the picture that I think fits the best to the article as it looks like a pizza with fungi on it. Unless you find an exceptional picture I wouldn't recommend changing it.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 Overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 32 Expand, expand, expand. This is good so far. I just want more of it.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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