Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Make crime pay
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Oi! Frosty! You put the 'sick' in Unsicklopedia. Be more funnier, less sicker. (Or rather, be a different kind of sick.) Also, you need grammar fixes. I can make a copy on my userspace and do a clean-up, if you want.
- Lame: an article on crime from the point of view of a jaded common criminal
- Less Lame: an article on crime from the point of view of Bullet-Tooth Tony, the baddie from Snatch played by Vinnie Jones
- FUCK!: an article on crime from the point of view of Bullet-Tooth Tony, read aloud by Vinnie Jones as he fist-fights Russell Crowe and two saber-toothed cats in a pub that is being demolished -- and is currently on fire.
Yours is one of the preceeding, but I won't say which, as I'm afraid -- you being a technocrat & such. this has been an unhelpful unreview by12:39, July 15, 2011 (UTC)
I'll do this for you as your a nice person and claim to also be Australian which appeals to my xenophobic nature. Also, I probably have no right doing this as I haven't finished an article yet but I have read a few reviews by some seasoned veteran's. It may also take a while as I own a late eighties computer.
Ahhh, fuck it. I'll go to an Internet cafe. I'll be back soon.. 22:49, July 15, 2011 (UTC)
I'd like to apologize in advance if I write in an offensive or blunt manner about anything you've probably busted your balls working on. I don't really have the patience to sugar coat any negative comment so I’ll do all my sugar coating here. *Sprinkles sugar on keyboard* There. Also, keep in mind that this is just my personal opinion, I'm sure everyone sees things in a different light so feel free to get a second opinion.
|Humour:||6||Sorry for the shit score. My main issue with your writing is the lack of detail. You have a lot of good ideas running through your piece yet you need to give them a bit of zing, zip or quoblatzerling. Maybe some people are easily amused by the fact that crime is funny (which it is), but you need to give the reader something extra, something unexpected, a little ironic twist or pun or if your not feeling creative, a poo reference. That's right, POO. POOOOOOOO!. I just found your article was a little too informative without expanding on possibly hilarious subjects. This article has the potential to be huge, there are so many crimes you could write on, you could even have a series of how to's such as How to:Make crime pay/theft, How to:Make crime pay/Sodomy, etc. Anyway, lets go through it piece by piece.
Quotes - These were good, however, the sideshow Bob reference was a little cheap (I have a thing against cheesy TV references), maybe you could use a real life crim like a famous police chief or the Dalai Lama.
Intro - A little short, you could expand by first explaining what crime is in a captain obvious manner or maybe poke fun at certain 'grey' areas of law such as early 19th century laws against pig racing. Shitty ideas but I'm sure you'll think of something great.
Theft - Once again, you have many foetus' of great jokes yet fail to give them a bladder loosening edge. I liked the link which linked man power to gang implying that the reader is too weak to undertake the crime by themselves. It was subtle and clever. Even if a sentence lacks a good joke or is just a setup, a clever link can add an extra bonus laugh. I for one, like to rip on Mexicans at every opportunity. The joke about trying not to be a suspicious prick is good but once again, EXPAND! Ask yourself, what does a suspicious prick look like? Perhaps, filling out a bank statement in a balaclava and having a crowbar stuffed into your jocks? Sweating nervously while fumbling a copy of ‘Dummy’s guide to bank robbing’ while waiting in the bank queue. Just some shitty examples but at least it's not as predictable. The celebration section had a great tone and some quality jokes, notice how the funny shit is at the end of the sentence, (apart from the bracketed joke). This keeps the reader interested to find out what's coming to them and then, BAM, soiled undergarments (hopefully due to your joke and not elderly incontinence).
Grifting - This is a little better, I not sure if the references from paragraph one is repeated as a joke or you're just lazy but I thought it was a good progression of a running joke. I liked how the tone of your article got a little more aggressive, utilizing more coarse language much like a crim drunkenly thinking abot his next 'hit'.
And the rest - I won’t go into too much detail here except to say I found it a lot funnier taking serious crimes such as murder and kidnapping and putting a casual tone to it. These sections still fall short due to the reasons I’ve given above though.
Blacked out section - I didn't really get the reference. Why is this here?
|Concept:||10||Great idea! There are so many directions you could take this article and so many jokes you can cram in. I'm jealous I didn't think of it. It's a great idea that I hope you keep working on.|
|Prose and formatting:||6.89||I'm not exactly a grammatically enhanced wrting cyborg but there are some glaring issues. There are certain words that won't pop up in an automatic spell checker which can ruin a sentence (Needless to say any wanker can steal a bag of lollies or chips for(from?) your local shopping center), so maybe you can get someone to proofread for you to correct these mistakes. Also, there are a few sentences which dont make sense to me. Try reading your article out loud in a monotone manner to see how someone else may read it. A classic example : But I will try and cover the basics or(of?) planning the perfect theft.|
|Images:||7||The pictures you chose were good, but not great. Same with the captions. The two pictures in the kidnapping section were top shit. If the rest were this good you'd cop a ten for sure.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||A score based on potential/execution*the amount of beer I spilt in bed last night|
|Final Score:||37.89||I've been a little harsh I think, but don't get angry or upset. This article has the potential to be an all-time classic. I hope you keep working hard on it. Try and cram a joke into every sentence or at least, set one up. Give funny details or observations. If you're as young as you say you are, you're a legend in the making. Keep learning as much as you can about every subject. Try and think of clever ways to poke fun at everything, find out its foibles, weak links and down right idioticability and kick the shit out of it. Feel free to ask me any questions i've been too vague.|
|Reviewer:||. 23:41, July 15, 2011 (UTC)|