Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Make amazing grilled chicken
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Billychicken 18:29, August 31, 2011 (UTC)
- Give me around 2 days and I'll hopefully get to it. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 02:03, September 3, 2011 (UTC)
- Ironically, I've been food poisoned the past two days by eating bad chicken. Your article must've been a bad omen. Anyways, two more days may be necessary, sorry to keep you waiting this long. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 12:14, September 4, 2011 (UTC)
- Thank you for your time and i hope you get better soon. --Billychicken 17:59, September 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Ahhh christ, I completely forgot about finishing this...I'll get it done today. Soooo sorry. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 22:50, September 9, 2011 (UTC)
Alright, seeing as how it still needs a review, I'll go ahead and take this. -22:25, September 13, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||Okay, well, the overall idea to have an involved HowTo about a long and unnecessary way to grill chicken is pretty good. I'll start with what I like about the article, and then move on to what can stand to be fixed.
I do like the idea of having a polite discussion with the chicken, but without the piped-link to "murder". Rather than going the dry route and actually going ahead and obliterating the chicken, why not actually teach the reader how he might go about politely asking the chicken for permission to cook him on his grill? School the reader in chicken-persuasion, and tell them what might happen. The catching part should of course be rather short I'd think, since we're making amazing grilled chicken here. The FPS and RPG references are really unnecessary, as I'll touch on later.
The other part I like is where the chicken has to be defended from wizards, although the way it's told is really rather bland. Instead of defending it from wizards, how about holding a magical ritual to "purify" the chicken, or something to that extent? Making a ring in the sand and setting up a bunch of candles and doing all that crazy voodoo what not.
Testing the grill heat by jamming your hand in is also pretty funny, although don't draw it out too long, and as I'm about to touch on, berating the reader is not gonna get that many laughs.
Alright, now the negatives. First thing's first here. There's three quotes at the top of the page that don't add anything of any comedic value to the article. I'd suggest removing those, as they just don't fit the article's tone, or the concept at all. If you can think of one quote that might fit up there, that would be fine, but otherwise I'd just say leave out the quotes altogether.
Now onto the main issue I have with the article. It's not something inherent in the idea, but something that a lot of people do early on when they're getting their chops. There's a LOT of name-dropping and unnecessary references that just detract from everything. Among them, references to black men liking chicken, Emeril Lagasse, Dave Chappelle, King of the Hill, and Osama Bin Laden. Also, that whole ingredients list part is pretty much arbitrary entries that don't add anything to the article. You could probably still work in the Emeril joke, but if I may make a suggestion, here's how I'd do it. Assuming the joke is "this is how you do it yourself, but you're going to use someone else's sauce because making sauce is too hard", which definitely works, I'd say make a section specifically about making the sauce. Instruct the reader briefly through the tedious sauce-making process, then tell them to taste the sauce, and when they realize that they've severely ruined it, tell them to just go out and buy X brand of bottled sauce from the store. This adds to the inept narrator role, without needing a name-drop, and probably taking up the article space that you'll be losing by axing the list.
Now, the other big thing I noticed was incessant usage of "own", "pwn", "noob", "headshot", and variations on those jokes that have all been around for ten years. If I could show you my first article (which was eventually deleted), you'd see that I originally thought that was the way to be funny on the internet too. Quite frankly, it isn't. "Pwning noobs" is really, really old. Another thing that's pretty old is insulting the reader when you've got nothing else to tell him, such as is done near the end. Particularly in the end actually, it changes the entire tone of the article, I assume because you couldn't think of a better way to end it. That's fine, we can work on that.
Other references that really aren't particularly needed, the commie countries reference, the nose-picking, the pimp-slapping, and definitely not the exact measurement things (2 gallons of sauce, exactly 6.78 pounds of meat, etc.). All of these just detract from the actual point of the article itself and the possibility for humor in it.
Most of this can be fixed, I think, by making a decision on what tone you would like to use in the article. The narrator is never really making up his mind of what he's doing it seems, sometimes he's calling the reader a pansy, sometimes he's talking about FPS, sometimes he's just delivering straight. If you can pick a tone and stick with it, the article will come out much more well-rounded and consistent. Is the narrator a bumbling fool? Is he a regal gentleman sipping wine in a smoking jacket? Is he just some regular guy? I'll leave that for you to decide.
Finally, the ending. A good ending really finishes off an article well, but this ending seems rushed, like you had no idea how you could end it. This is often a problem for me, and I imagine for quite a number of writers. There are a lot of ways to end an article like this. The first I can think of is sending the reader off in a more merry way, such as congratulating them on finishing and telling them to "loosen up that belt, buckle, you've earned it", or something to that effect. Something else you might try is having the last section be about grilling, abruptly interrupted and followed by a centered image of a guy whose barbecue has exploded in his face, and have that be the end of it. Or, if you're going with the regal man in the smoking jacket route, you could always have him say something eccentric and jolly like "Well done there old chap! Now serve it with your favorite sherry and keep your blunderbuss at the ready! Good show!" That one's rather silly, but you get the idea.
|Concept:||6||The concept is always difficult to judge with a HowTo, because half of the concept is the HowTo itself, but making grilled chicken is rather a regular concept. However, I like the idea that it's an involved process, and I like the concept that you have to perform a ritual and speak politely to the chicken and all that. As long as those ideas are better integrated with the article, it should blossom into a much fuller concept in and of itself.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Your prose was adequate in most places, however, there are a number of spelling and grammar mistakes, and two instances at least where it seems that you started a thought and then forgot to finish it before moving on to the next thought. For example, "If you do not have said grill, then congratulations! you are either freaking stupid. Hank hill will then come by and tell you that you ought to switch to propane and..." There's obviously a sentence in there that never materialized fully but was still left in, probably just by accident. It definitely should be cleaned up, but it seems you've got a good knowledge of the English language, it probably just requires a good proof-reading or two, as most articles do.|
|Images:||0||Unfortunately, your article has no images. There's a variety of ways you could make pictures work with this article, the first being the idea I mentioned about having it end with a guy's barbecue blowing up in his face. Beyond that, you could essentially get by with including images that aren't particular humorous in and of themselves, but have funny captions. A bottle of sauce for the section on making sauce and eventually buying some, a plate of grilled chicken at the lead of the article to inform the reader that "this is what you're going for", etcetera. That shouldn't be altogether too difficult, although if you'd like to add some challenge to it, the "polite conversation" part and the ritual part could be worth the time of some photoshopping. We also have image request if you'd prefer someone else take a shot at it.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||The other scores averaged together.|
|Final Score:||20||I can tell that you can make this work, it's just going to take some extra effort. That's what humor writing is, lots of effort. Comedy is hard, man! But if you hang in there and follow some of my advice, you can get this thing ship-shape in no time. Feel free to ask for any more help on my talk page, and I'd be glad to assist you in anything you need. Good day, and good luck!|
|Reviewer:||00:35, September 14, 2011 (UTC)|