This page has been sitting for a bit now, and I'd like some fresh ideas to help spice it up. The piece was inspired at my bachelor party when I discovered the game.---Cheapinitreal (talk) 18:48, 28 June 2008 (UTC)
Well if it isn't my old nemesis, Cheapinitreal. The reason I didn't win, and now can never win, NotM. Okay, let's see what we've got here.
Lede: 7. Not bad. A little dry, maybe, but still pretty good. I got a laugh out of "ass-dampened singles." Smiled at "manipulate the dancer's environment to serve your own selfish needs." I don't know about the word "gamekeeper" - that's kind of weird. Much of the rest of it is padding - you might want to trim this down. It sets the tone well, but you can probably do that in fewer words.
Why Hunt For Something Interesting: 7. Definitely laughed at "from sideshow cock to recently condemned vagina." The first paragraph needs a rewrite (for style, not content), though - the parenthetical inside a question inside a quotation is just bizarre and difficult to read. Also, it's "bear in mind." I very much like "believing that is the animals sole purpose is like believing a back-scratcher can't be used to scratch your ass." This is good stuff.
Selecting Your Dancer: 8. Wow, this badly needs a copyedit, but once that's done, the jokes are solid. I absolutely love "When was the last time the most attractive or acrobatic naked creature in the general area said something interesting to you? Always think about that before selecting." - as though my "general area" were filled with attractive and acrobatic naked creatures.
Approaching Your Pray: 8. Er, it's "prey," not "pray." Laughed at "powdered beast." Should be "ensuring" rather than "assuring." Laughed at "deloused." The concept of "training" a dancer through strategic timing of tipping is pretty damn funny to me. If I tried that, I think I'd find I was in way the fuck over my head. The concept of using your lap dance as an opportunity to strike up a conversation is also pretty clever. $25 for three and a half minutes of conversation. Pretty steep.
Delving Into The Mind - lede: 9. "the fact that you can focus on something while being mauled by genitalia" is a hell of a LOL moment.
Delving Into The Mind - Fascinating Family Lives: 5. This part is full of missed opportunities. Sure, lots of dancers have kids, but what about their parents? Their siblings? The C-Section scar mention is good. The pedophile stuff is iffy - probably deserves a shorter mention. The last sentence is iffy. Oh, and you want "litters" rather than "liters," and "a pedophile" rather than "pedophile."
Delving Into The Mind - Amazing Wells of Knowledge: 6. Modulating into first person is a mistake here. The part about exotic dancers telling you they've spent time in medical school is funny because it's true. The joke about time to orgasm is funny, but it shouldn't be encapuslated in parentheses. Lots of missed opportunities here, too. If you're anything like me, the bizarre "knowledge" you've learned from dancers could probably fill a book. A weird book.
Delving Into The Mind - Naked People Have Dreams Too: 7. What a great title. This section is pretty solid, but again, I can't help but think it could have done better. Some of those dancers have *bizarre* dreams. Some of them have dreams, and their total lack of a plan for achieving those dreams, or their inability to see the obvious obstacles to their dreams, are hilarious.
Conclusion: 4. This is way too repetitive, and the jokes are scarce. Consider a rewrite. I feel your pain: conclusions are the hardest part of an article for me.
The concept as presented in the title is brilliant; there are obvious opportunities for hilarity here. Honestly, though? I don't think I like the whole exotic-dancers-as-safari-animals conceit. I think the concept and most of the jokes are strong enough to stand up without it and just acknowledge that exotic dancers are, in fact, exotic dancers. I'm also not sure why, but I just think this would be funnier with feminine pronouns than with all the "it"s.
Prose and formatting:
Obviously, you can write. The tone you're setting strikes the right note; the deadpan delivery of the jokes is great. On the other hand, this article is littered with usage errors - comma splices and homophones being the worst two offenders. Consider submitting your articles to Uncyclopedia:Proofreading Service before putting them up for review - that's what they're there for. And they'll be delighted to get submissions from someone who can actually tell jokes.
Your two images and captions are good. I think they're probably significantly too small - consider cranking them up to 200 or even 220px. Also, an article this length could benefit from a third picture. For fuck's sake, it's an article about half-naked girls. How can you go wrong?
Bah. Damn my low grading: this deserves at least a 35.
This article needs some work, but I think it's taken the first baby steps toward VFH. Good luck! Oh, and if this bachelor party was a recent one: Congratulations!