Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Get Expelled from School (revised)

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edit HowTo:Get Expelled from School

Purple mini lolly Lollipop Purple mini lolly - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 06:53, 13 June 2011

Ok --Snowman111 Butlerstar Frosty dah snowguy contribs KUN PLEB Big GREEN Button Big red button 07:06, June 13, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 5 Introduction

The introduction is way to brief, just a jotted down sentence here and there, with some vry paw gramr 2 rlate to the subject a little. Here's the problem, you're trying to make it like an advertisement yeah? Make it longer and link the sentence together like one big paragraph or if you feel the need to have more than once make it two. Jittery paragraphs of one or two sentences don't work very well for me for one.

Steps

Rather than discuss them individually I'll do it in one, seeing as they are all quite similar. You hit the reader with one big fat bold statement (Example: "Go up to your teacher (I don't care if it's some hot 20 year old blonde that you have a crush on) and call her/him a slut (or a 'man-ho' if it's a guy)." Funny perhaps if you had long enough paragraphs and more free flowing sentences.

One last detail, inside jokes. Tread VERY carefully here, the wrong injokes could have very bad consequences.

Notes

They perhaps could be made a tad more witty in my opinion, but this is the least of your worries.

Concept: 5 The concept is reasonable, but like your humour. It could use some touching up. The concept of this whole thing works as HowTo guide, intertwined with almost a story line. The story line being the step by step instructions of how to achieve your hole goal. Stear clear of making it anymore related to the reader and perhaps make it into a more general guide, don't congradulate the reader or insult them as you do on multiple occasions make it exactly its suppposed to be, almost an instruction guide.
Prose and formatting: 3 Hate to say this, but a major fuck up has occured here.

Sentences

This is just a collection of very short paragraphs, add detail to them and expand upon the ideaqs you have planted for yourself. Don't just tell the reader what will happen after a given step, but make them feel like they are there. But remember don't make them feel like the subject of the article.

Linking to other articles

This articleseriously does not have enough links, I went through it and found a grand total of 2, both linking to injokes. Linking certin whole sentences to an article for humourous affect would be a good idea in certain areas due to the nature of this article, or even if you were to just link the odd word here and there. Articles always need plenty of links.

Images: 4 This article is definitely a candidte to receive some more images, in my opinion every point of step you make should have some sort of visual representation to support it. With your first point you could use a teacher who looks like a student has said something very disrespectful. Then get for your second point get a teacher looking like shes trying to resist the urge to explode. Next get a picture of a stern looking principle staring down a student from behind a desk. And lastly get a student whose just gone bat fuck insane. Images are very important. You need more of them!
Miscellaneous: 5 My overall feel of this article
Final Score: 22 This article is not yet finished. You should keep working on it, and not give up on your quest for a feature Lollipop
Reviewer: Snowman111 Butlerstar Frosty dah snowguy contribs KUN PLEB Big GREEN Button Big red button 07:34, June 13, 2011 (UTC)
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