Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Get Expelled from School
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- I got this. SHould be done over the next few hours--- TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 18:38, May 23, 2011 (UTC)
- booking cancelled, anyone can do this review--- TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 04:58, May 25, 2011 (UTC)
Shit...I just deleted my whole review...it will take me a while but if no one does it before tomorrow it will be done.20:48, May 25, 2011 (UTC)
- Hey, dude, thanks. As our friend Iwillkillyou probably has to go on a killing spree,i think you seem good. I tried to get Mr. N to do it, but he was kinda busy. Congrats on your comeback, Mr. Tagstit. -- - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 20:53, 25 May 2011
|Humour:||6||I think the humor is alright. It isn't laugh out loud at every single step, but it isn't miserable to read. The fart jokes and cusswords aren't really my thing unless they are necessary, but I think it was good nonetheless. So I will go by step by step now:
Starts out kind of weak. I like the whole bit about referencing the two articles about Winkler, but it seemed a bit unnecessary. Also, I didn't like that whole joke in the beginning about l3rning 2 spll. The intro could be really cool if you used my first idea from the concept section. (Oh ya always read my reviews concept first...shoulda mentioned that somewhere).
Step 1: 4
I don't get the whole 20 year old blonde thing but this is another one of the weaker sections. Maybe remove that part about the blondes and talk about different aspects you can make fun of various teachers, even hot blondes. Also, I think you should stick with either being childish "call him poopy" or aggressive "you guys are fucking retards!" Otherwise, it gets confusing and sloppy...I think.
Step 2: 7
Maybe I am just immature, but I really liked the part about peeing in the dunce cap. I don't know why. What you should try to do though is make it more dramatic. Talk more about what you can expect being in the dunce cap and how to prepare for it. Maybe talk about how you should put the dunce cap on her after you do it and write the words "pee pee king or queen" on the cap. I am just throwing out crappy ideas. I just think you need to write more and be more descriptive to fully let the article flourish. It is a bit short as is.
Step 3: 7
Another one of your stronger sections. I like the downtalking of the principal so that your reader can feel more confident and brave enough to do what needs to be done. Also, I like the whole, "take a candy, who gives a fuck?" Maybe try to say more creative things about what to do to the principal, like look at the pictures of his family and say, "Is that your wife? I saw her on the corner of birch and 2nd street wearing a bikini being picked up by a car full of black guys last night." Or something like that. I think that would be a bit better than farting at him and throwing candy.
Step 4 and 5: 5
This just goes back to more random stuff. Run around yelling and screaming, throwing shit everywhere. Try to change this out with more creative stuff. I can't think of anything but that's your job. The fire part is pretty good though so I would keep that. But maybe say something in the end about how good life will be from here on out until the cops come or until you need school to actually go somewhere in life. Or say like, now your free to work in your favorite convenient store, fast food chain, or something like that for the rest of your life.
|Concept:||4||The concept is pretty good for the most part, though I think I have read a few similar articles. My biggest issue about the concept though, is that it seems to fade into thousands of other articles on here that scream cusswords and poop and piss and try to go for a bunch of quick laughs. I don't think that was what you were going for here but to some people it may come off as "overdone" or nothing new. That may sound harsh but it isn't...trust me. Anyways, what I think this article need is just one solid direction to make it unique ya know? Make it stand out from everything else people have written on here. To me, it seems like this could be done quiet simply. All you would need is to come up with an idea of where to take the article. Since this sounds very vague, I have decided, in my infinite wisdom, to provide you with a few short examples or ideas of what you could do to just kind of spice things up.
1. Have the article written from the perspective of a kid.
You do this sometimes with your, "then call the teacher a poopy" bit but I think you could go WAY further than that. I think you need to tone down your cusswords and replace them with words that little kid think it would be bad to say. For example, say "go pee pee in the dunce cap" instead of "urinate" or "stinky pee pee head" instead of "smelly piss hair." This is just one poor example, but I am sure you could build an entire article based on ideas stemming from that. You would have to introduce the child in the beginning as he explains maybe why he hates school just like you so that the reader knows right off the bat that they are dealing with an immature child.
2. Have the article written from a child who has done this before and is just telling you to do what he did.
Again, you would have to establish this in the intro. You could make this funny by making the kid sound like he thinks he is a badass for doing stuff that, from our perspective, sounds stupid. This is similar to the first one, but it isn't, you see? You would need to make him more aggresive and angry rather than weak and frustrated.
3. Repeat a certain action throughout.
This could be done just by having the article solve every situation with the same action. "To get your teacher's attention, piss on her desk." "To go to the office you got to do something really funny, piss in the dunce cap." "To get the principal mad, you have to do something very bold and creative...pull down your pants, yell "FIREMAN!" and piss on his desk." I am not executing it well here because there is no story to go with it but you might try it out and like it. I don't know its an idea?
So that is what I mean by an idea to make your article more unique. Sure it is good how it is now, has some good laughs at some parts, but to keep it from falling into the hands of a zillion other articles, you need something to make it stand out, whatever it may be.
|Prose and formatting:||8||A couple spelling problems here and there but should be quick fixes. The article looks good, but as it stands, is fairly short. Try adding more to bulk it up and make it more substantial. Don't add filler though, add some good stuff. Following an idea like one from the section above may help fill it out with funny stuff depending on where you go with it. A few spelling mistakes are:
Intro dosen't should be doesn't
Step 1: She/he'll should be she or he will or she'll/he'll
Step 1: "you guys are fucking retards!" should be "You guys are fucking retards!"
Step 3: I don't get the black box there, and there is a quotation error right before it.
Whole thing, make the teacher a boy or girl off the bat so you can avoid the he/she. Just a suggestion.
|Images:||6||Images are good. They seem thrown in at the last minute but they fit. The top one doesn't fit as well because you are supposed to want to do that. Aren't you trying to get in trouble? The second works fine. Maybe put one more in of a fat looking principal looking mad at you with a caption telling the person what they did wrong.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||Overall, it was good. I liked the idea, I just think you need something to help execute it a bit better. Sorry about the time it took to write this. My first one was better than this probably, I just tried to sum up what I had to say quickly so you could get working on whatever you felt you needed to do. Fix a few spelling and grammar errors and bulk it up to make it more of a read than a quick run through.|
|Final Score:||30||If on VFH, I would vote weak against as it stands because it just muddles together with tons of other articles I have read. If you make it more unique in whatever way you wanna do that, I would most likely vote for, unless it sucked. If you want clarification on something or more help feel free to ask.|
|Reviewer:||01:33, May 27, 2011 (UTC)|