Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Explain fist-fucking to your children

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edit HowTo:Explain fist-fucking to your children

WiiKend 18:47, 20 August 2009 (UTC)

Nobody else has volunteered, so I guess I'll put my hand in. Miley Spears 21:38, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 7.5 First, understand that I only review what I like. I read through several articles before I decided to review this one. Some of my suggestions will seem nitpicky. That's a good thing, because it means I can narrow down the parts that I think can be changed to make this piece much better. It also means there's a lot of really good stuff here. Also I'm editing from an American point of view. I scored 7.5 on humor, but with you rewrites, I might score much higher. I talk about this more below.
Concept: 8.5 I like the idea of explaining fist-fucking to children just like you would "Where do babies come from?"
Prose and formatting: 5 I'm putting almost all my comments here, just because this what I think could use the most work. If I put something in parenthesis, that means I suggest it be added. For example, "Pee (on) me" would mean you wrote "Pee me" and I suggest you change it to "Pee on me." Something in strikeout means I suggest you cut that out. For example, "I love killing reviewers."

Beginning: "Somehow, This guide fills a hole in my knowledge." Did you mean "sincerity-shy" or "sincerely shy?" Also I don't know how many readers will know Occidental is Western--you might want to say Western culture. I really like your four sample questions starting with “How do we make babies?” But personally I don't find the "chat on MSN with some potential pedophiles" funny. Maybe if it was something more specific, like "chat on MSN with that nice man who...." (you fill it in).

"Of course, you(')re quite right comma (period)" I think it's funnier if this ends a sentence. Also if you want the feel to be that this is written to parents, I don't know if you want to call them "narrow-minded." Maybe use a word like "nervous" or "frustrated" or "afraid," something like that. I also don't think the mammies and pappies "to come part" helps--I'm guessing that's there so you can say "to come," but maybe you can find another way to bring that in, or just cut it. "with good illustrations" -- I find "good" to be weak. Maybe "helpful," "informative," "useful?" The part "children and by doing so, fill a gaping hole" should be "children and, by doing so, fill a gaping hole." (I like the gaping hole reference).

The Animal Approach: Instead of "old" tradition, maybe something like "honored" or "hallowed" tradition. And "where babies come from (by) using". I like the bees fertilizing the uterus bit. The part "was also very good at characterising and exploring human behaviour in his written texts through the personification of animals." seems wordy (for example, "written texts" is redundant). I like the title with all the Fs, but shouldn't it be Fist-Fucking Fable From Famous French Fabulist la Fontaine (Famous before French)? But I don't know about the "what a good title it would have been" part. What if instead you say he was working on it when he died, so didn't finish it? Maybe (long title) remains unfinished.

Vern part. I think Vern's funny! But he doesn't talk consistently. In the beginning he's using more-or-less proper English, then he starts with "dun" for "don't" and "kay" for "OK." Then later he starts using proper English again. You might want to work on making Vern more consistent. (Personally, I like him sounding proper better, but whatever you choose, I'd recommend making it consistent). I also don't think you need the "Another informative word from Vern" headings. That might work if Vern only spoke every now and then, but he speaks through the whole section. You've already introduced Vern with your picture and caption "Vern," which I think is funny because it doesn't say anything but "Vern." Why that's funny to me I don't know, but it is.

I like "It's on the other side, Mr. President," but shouldn't it be "It's on the other end, Mr. President"?

Also look at the part "which means "fist" and (from) "fucking" which". I like calling for Routine, but maybe instead of "Damn it which one is it" maybe "Damn it where is Routine?" I like "No! Kids! I said a FIST!" although I don't think you need as many "!". Maybe "No, kids, I said a fist!" I like this fist section, by the way. Funny stuff. I also like the parts with "open minded," "smells like cow dung"--this is good. And I like Stevie.

Images: 9 I don't care for the caption where the boy asked about fist-fucking. This article is a guide, so let's assume the parent-reader is at least trying. Maybe the kid asks and Mammy says "Uh, go ask your Pappy" or something like that. The pic itself I think is fine.

I didn't know about the Vern photo--it's very everyday and dull. But after I kept seeing it, it got funny. I think a "funny" photo wouldn't work as well, so good choice. I would give you an 8 on those, but the rest of the photos moves the score to 9.

Miscellaneous: 7.5 I just averaged the above scores.
Final Score: 37.5 I would really like to see you work some more on this article. I think it's good as it is, but think it has the potential to be very good with a little editing. Notice your final score is just under feature level? If you have any questions on my comments, and if you rewrite it, please leave me a note on my talk page. Thanks for sharing!
Reviewer: DAP Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 00:27, 26 August 2009 (UTC)

Excellent review Miley, I brushed over this just after WiiKend translated it but your corrections of my corrections are well-observed, my changes did lack consistency and some of the phrase-changing was only a partial translation (i.e. keeping the original translation but altering the wording slightly, rather than changing the whole sentence to suit our idiom). Cheers, and apologies for my unfinished work WiiKend. --El Sid, the lazy oneparlez-vous franglais? 11:17, 26 August 2009 (UTC)

lazy by the name, lazy by the actions ;) WiiKend 11:26, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
Oh yeah?! Well let me tell you something my friend... oh forget it, I can't be bothered... --El Sid, the lazy oneparlez-vous franglais? 12:35, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
Thanks! I haven't done translations but I'm guessing it's a little like trying to rewrite a not-funny article, which I have done. You try to keep as much as you can, and rewrite so the parts fit together, but you don't really see what works and what doesn't until someone else looks at it. Pee Reviews really helped me, so I wanted to help back. DAP Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 17:07, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
Awesome, I'm sure the help will be much appreciated by Chief, I noticed the pee review requests have been piling up of recent so all most peeing is good peeing. Yeah I haven't actually done any translation since A-level (school) but I enjoy it so I thought I'd have a go at a few articles, it may well just be because I'm too lazy to do my own articles though ;) --El Sid, the lazy oneparlez-vous franglais? 17:22, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
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