Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Escape Prison
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It's a pretty damn good article, and I need a 2nd opinion. Could the end use expansion or is it fine the way it is? What d'ya guys think? ...good? ...what could be added?--19:59, 1 December 2007 (UTC)
|Humour:||6.5||Solid, not too bad. Some decent ideas and lines, but it feels a bit short, and the conclusion feels weak. I understand what you're trying to do with it, but it's not a dynamite punchline, so it feels like a let-down.|
|Concept:||5||The concept you have for this article is probably the central problem. You want the one line ending to be a payoff, so you spend the rest of the article building towards it. Unfortunately, as both me and Cajek seem to agree, it doesn't work too well, leaving your article a bit flat. Sorry.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Not too bad overall. Needs more content and maybe adjusting a bit for readability. A couple of weak lines (see below) but spelling's OK. I'd lose maybe one of the boxes (Tip or Did You Know?) unless you significantly extend it too.|
|Images:||6.5||Yeah, there's a bit too much going on here for an article of this length. Fine enough, they're relevant, but a bit more content would help them settle in alongside the article, instead of dominating it. Short articles need less images, simple rule.|
|Final Score:||31.25||OK, see my comments below. But honestly, the one-line ending doesn't work, particularly as you killed it earlier by rubbishing the "land on a go to jail spot" option. If that will only work in your dreams, the ending falls flatter than a steamrollered pancake.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 21:01, 3 December 2007 (UTC)|
/sips tea reflectively - hmm, optimum temperature, nice!
OK, stuff I did like first - the abortion section is quite involved, and has an eye in a satirical direction. No lol, but an approving nod. The intro is quite good, although structurally may need a tweak or so, and it doesn't really fit with the rest of the article (you're talking about every appeal failing in the intro, then the next section is about trying to get arrested, it just doesn't fit). The bail out in court section is a nice idea, albeit slender. And I like the idea of advising how to do a bank robbery badly, although what you have there doesn't quite work, for me.
Now, the readability:
"If you would like to get out of prison, wouldn’t you have to get in jail first? Yes, so you must get arrested first, so commit a crime." - This feels rushed, and doesn't read great. Line breaks and extra content are your friends here.
"Having decided you want to escape prison, first ensure you are in prison in the first place. If you aren't, your chances of escape are significantly lowered!
This does mean you will have to get into prison in the first place, and while there are several options - break into prison, get a job there and lock yourself in a cell, build your own prison etc - the best option is probably to get arrested."
That's off the top of my head, and not very good, but there's a bit more of a flow to it. You're not trying to explain the crux of your article in two short and easily skimmed over sentences, you're setting the scene a bit more. Short an punchy is good, in the right place, but your ideas here would benefit from expansion, not brevity.
Now on to another point: you jettisoned most of the original article. Now, it may not have made highlight, but it didn't do badly, and it got a good review from EMC, who knows a thing or two about funny. So discarding pretty much all of it is a risky thing. Changing it to include your own ideas, fine. Expanding it, fine. Removing the excess stuff that didn't work, fine. But this is a significantly different article - it may even have worked as part one of a two or three part series - ie HowTo:Get Thrown In Jail, after which, see How To:Get Out Of Jail, and then HowTo:Stay On The Run or something. Look at possibly using some of the ideas from the old article for expansion, maybe? Such as the "final
solution suggestion" bit that tickled EMC in the original review.
So, it needs expansion. Some thoughts: if you want to keep this angle, possibly consider a different punchline. If not, well, don't undermine ie earlier, set it up better. Mention that although the early steps may seem tough and unpleasant, they will be rewarded by the foolproof escape method later on. Set it up big time, and then it might work a bit better. Lose the "fucking" as well. Doesn't really work, for me.
You may also consider another approach. As swellheaded as it may be to freference my own article, have a look at HowTo:Fuck Off. I made similar use of the concept of the point of the article being a single line, but had plenty of content on either side of it, to in part highlight the absurdity of the single line about the point of the article. There are more crime that could be committed, or you could spend more time detailing how to cock up the ones you suggest. "In case you manage to make a clean getaway by accident, leave your business card, preferrably with a clear, unsmudged fingerprint and a DNA sample, at the scene of the crime". That kind of thing.
Basically, go wild, have fun, and expand away. Give me a shout if you want to discuss ideas, and go for it!
Finally, as ever, this is only my opinion, others are available, and good luck.