Sycamore will slash on your article--Sycamore(Talk) 20:43, 1 May 2008 (UTC)
Although very UK centric, the article reasonbly works well. It’s funny particularly the references to the Polish, more of this could be added, I also think that 'Thai Bride' would work better than Internet Bride as it is currently. I also like the whole difficulty of driving a train theme thoughout, it adds a pace and tone to the article until the enivitable faliure of the protaginist. Because of the way you have written this I think it could be improved a lot (win over the yanks) with a bit more intertextuality, perhaps reference to 'Speed' could be added or other films like the 'great rain robbery'(1912, really old). It would add to the piece and be a solid way to expand it. Similalry some of the stuff seems more weirdd than funny, like the whole drinkig of the drivers blood- still I would leave it in, it's just perhaps a little random. I think the end couls be exapnded upon greatly its very short and does not really give closure on the perceding events. I don't know if this is the kind of thing you would do, but you could create a charachter, (mabye start a franchise) that could be more devloped hero in the tale.
It's not really a How-To but an Unbook waiting to break out; there’s a lot more of a story here. Overall I think that in its current state it's unlikely to be a feature- it needs an expansion of the story though more referencing to other train narratives and/or references to British lifestyle which would further add interest.
Prose and formatting:
Very well done, more links, and some possibly more relevant like the Vampire bit with the driver seems little tacked on. I think that more clear ideas of your protagonist porn addiction could be further highlighted throughout rather than the odd mention. This is likely to happen more if you expand the narrative a little. Its short which has giving you control to tighten it up, however I think that this very terse and short formatting have tarnished the piece as there is a lot that could be added in terms of references and story (more about Thai brides, films, and the story itself, asbo kids). I did not see any spelling errors or anything glaring with the formatting. its again back to the humour levels within the structure, its maybe a lot shorter and thinned down than it needs to be.
Alright. The size could be expanded and also the scond one down seems to much of a repition tot he previous one. More could be added of your protagonist, and the scene could be set better with the images, pictures of the carriage, Birmingham, the Thai Bride, film references etc.
Is a great article, however you have dug yourself into a corner with it, there’s not an necessarily a need for it to be a one off niche piece for Brits to understand, there’s plenty that could be added to make it interesting to a wider audience. I would not lose the UK appeal though as this adds to the piece, its a question of implenmenting new material into the article-whilst keeping the British tale there.
I hope this has been helpful, leave a note for any points raised:)