Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Disperse an angry mob of protesters
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I'll try to get this done within the next 24 hours --—John Lydon 15:16, May 27, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||I tried breaking the article down section by section. I also tried to touch on the highs and lows of each section.
Section 1 The opening paragraph paints a pretty good picture of a worst case scenario. This is always good. Nothing is funnier to me than the craziest possible situation you could face. I did get confused when you started mentioning the mob being "ordered" and a "mob boss" and taking over the nations capitol. Are you talking about a group of protestors, terrorists, or the mafia (ala Al Capone)? I think removing any mention of wages, orders, or bosses, would help clarify. A group of protesters thats out of control rarely has leadership and definately doesn't get paid. Try to keep in mind that a "mob" is generally pictured as a group of random people running amock in the streets, looting, rioting, and setting fire to whatevers in their path. There's a lot of good stuff in this paragraph, I think you just need to reorganize and edit it a little to portray the image of an actual mob a more clearly.
This section seems to echo what the first paragraph said. Even the title "Angry Mob Dispersal" is pretty much the same thing as the title of the article itself. What humor this section does contain is lost on the reader because of the repetitiveness of it. I would advise merging this section with the first or completely removing it.
This section was the most humorous of the whole article. I think you could definately expand on all topics in this section. Where would you get a nuke? Would you need to take any special precautions when handling the skunks? things like that. I would also recommend saving the nuke for last or next to last. I understand the humor in saying, Step 1:Nuke 'em, but it makes the other categories kind of dull. After you've read about a nuke, it's kind of hard to get pumped for a baton. I would advise really taking your time in this section because it has the potential to be hilarious if done right.
The conclusion doesn't really offer up much in the way of humor. Then again, conclusions really aren't open to much humor. Like the other paragrpahs, i would recommend sitting down and figuring out some way to expand it. I personally can't think of how to expand on what you have now, but if you expand the other sections, you may find some oppurtunities to make the conclusion a little better.
|Concept:||9||The idea for this article is nothing short of brilliant. Just reading the title brought a smile to my face. There is a ton of humor to be mined from this subject so don't rush it. Really take your time and consider all aspects of the concept. If done right, this could be one of the best articles on Uncyclopedia.|
|Prose and formatting:||3||Your overall layout needs a little help. Laying out an article is always the hardest part for me and I've found a little trick to help. Before starting an article, look at some of the featured articles of the same type. Then steal their basic layouts. It's okay to steal them because of Creative Commons licensing and all that. Seriously though, just look at a few other well written articles and try to follow them.
Another recommendation I would make is to be mindful of the "tone" you project in your article. What I mean is your article is supposed to be a How To. I always picture a late night infomercial host when I think of How To articles. So, I try to write them from that aspect. Yours may be different but try to remain consistent. In this article, you seem to jump between infomercial host and encyclopedia man. That may seem confusing but I really can't think of any way to explain it better than that.
|Images:||4||The images are not that great. We only have four, (which is a good number for an article this short) and two of them are of skunks. The picture of the devil people is good for a mob, and you should consider moving it to the top of the article. Also, where are the captions? A good caption can be comedy gold. Sometimes I skim through articles just to read the captions. (I know I have issues, but that's not the point right now).
Try to place the images in a spot where they will directly tie in with what you are saying. For instance, the first skunk image is too soon. You don't even mention skunks until halfway through the article, but the first thing I see when I open the article is a skunk. Again, I can't stress taking your time on this idea. It has the chance to be legendary.
|Final Score:||25||You have some solid ideas in place, you just need to expand on them. Really work on cutting out the excess and expanding on the spots that are thin. I'm really excited to see what this article will become if you really work on it.|
|Reviewer:||--—John Lydon 16:50, May 27, 2010 (UTC)|