Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Date a Emo Girl
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This has been in my userspace since June 2009. I finally manage to finish today. Another review done by Black Flamingo can be viewed here. Indepth please. Thanks! DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 18:14, March 23, 2010 (UTC)
- THis is being proofread, so wait a while then start peeing--DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 01:08, March 30, 2010 (UTC)
I'll do this, then. ~11:15, Apr 11, 2010
First of all I think this is a decent article. I was mildly amused while reading it, but not terribly so. I think you use a very consistent tone and writing style that is almost FA, however, I don't think your jokes are there yet (for FA, I mean). So, in conclusion, I think this is an averagely good article, but it might need more work if you want to be a perfectionist. The reason I say this is because I feel that your jokes don't really capture the essence of emo, or, in other words, they don't satirise emo culture enough. Note that I've decided to listen to My Chemical Romance songs while reviewing your article (not that I would have a bunch of them lying around in my ipod), and I couldn't help feeling you would also benefit from listening to them or a similar band (or, if your ears can't stand bad music, read up their lyrics.) Especially your marriage section, it reminds me of this MV where Gerard Way tries to marry some zombie bride, or something (the song is "To the End" if I'm not mistaken). Anyway, you don't really have to listen to MCR, but the goal is to find out more about emo culture so that you can satirise it better. You can even make a list of facts to make jokes out of, for instance: emos express their individuality by conforming, emos get depressed over very trivial problems, emos write really bad poetry, etc. Think about how you can express these things through jokes.
Types Some of your jokes, I feel, come off as a bit goofy or corny. For instance, the bits on how scary mean emo girls are. Note that if your other jokes were better, I would not even comment on this, as I feel this can be overlooked, because if I tell you to take away these bits, there would barely be anything left.
"To tell the difference between a emo girl and a poser, you must know these facts: Her mascara is bought in bulk" - This one, should be reworded to something like "you must know these facts: A real emo girl's mascara is bought in bulk", because it took me a few seconds to figure out that you're referring to the real emo girl, not the poser.
"not primarily directed at the latest Gossip Girl episode, but rather at softer targets like her parents and upbringing" - somehow I like this. I'm not sure if you intend this to be a joke or not, but I think this hints that directing your angst to your parents does not make you less shallow than directing your angst to Gossip Girl.
Habitat North Korea (for its lack of freedom), Muslim countries (for their lack of fashion) and Antarctica (for its lack of people) - kind of like this. I guess because this shows imagination.
However, I didn't like the "emo finder", because it's also one of the things that came off as goofy or corny to me. Besides, there is a real "emo finder" in real life, it's called Myspace. Myspace is also one of the aspects of emo culture that you can satirise here, if you choose to include it.
You will notice that I mainly liked the jokes that have to do with emo culture, but I didn't really are much for those that exaggerate a bit stupidly. I got the impression that you're trying to present mean emo girls as grues or something. Now, I still think if you come up with better other jokes, you can keep these.
And other sections Now, if you're wondering, HH, have you become lazy? I assure you, this is not so! It's just that all my main points I've made in the above sections. I have nothing new to say. This article is pretty much complete, and I only have one main suggestion in terms of humour - learn more about emo culture and satirise it. From here on I'm just going to comment a bit on the things that I liked and the things that I didn't. The things that I did not mention were "meh", or BF11 mentioned them. Note that for me, what I liked were mainly smiles and chuckles, nothing struck me as really laugh out loud.
|Concept:||7.5||The concept come off pretty well, however you need to be careful because at some moments you seem to be setting out to write a proper, goody-two-shoes guide. That "you don't have to lie if you don't agree with her, just talk about something else (paraphrased)" bit is one example. Also the lack of making fun of emos (indirectly, of course) also alludes to this. I don't know if this is your aim, but I feel this decreases your funniness, so it's something to watch out for. All the main problems BF11 highlighted, such as tone, consistency, pacing, are gone, so kudos to you! I've also felt your concept became much more clear too. It's not that often that an article gets improved so much after a review, so yeah, I'm impressed at your effort!|
|Prose and formatting:||6.5||You still have a bunch of spelling and grammar problems that I've taken the liberty to correct for you. Haha, Chief missed a bunch (8, to be exact) of spelling and grammar errors!!!|
|Images:||7.5||They're quite good. 7.5 means a bit above average but not laugh out loud my themselves. I think I liked the fourth one (caption), and the last one more than others. That last one was pretty cool. I didn't like the blood splatter one, because this image is really over-used on Uncyc. I've seen it in a dozen articles, and it gets less funny each time.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||7.5 means a bit above average but not laugh out loud. Yeah, what I said.|
|Final Score:||36||Aleister has taken the liberty to nom this while I'm in the middle of my review. He has also edited some stuff which might be mentioned in my review, but are no longer there. I cannot be bothered to find out what they were. I don't know if you'll succeed, because I'm often wrong about VFH. What is mildly amusing to me might be hilarious to some. So, best of luck.|
|Reviewer:||~15:16, Apr 11, 2010|