Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Choose your car insurance
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My first HowTo. I want it reviewed.
MaxPayne 01:17, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
|Humour:||5.5||Hey there, Payne. Let's see how you did with your first HowTo. You want it reviewed; I'm reviewing it. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement for both of us.
The lede: needs work. There are multiple issues with the lede: 1. It's too short. 2. "hassling time" is a weird phrase. 3. Why is golf mentioned? Why is golf capitalized? 4. It really doesn't contain any jokes, unless you consider the randomness of "golf" to be a joke. and, most importantly: 5. For the love of God, please don't randomly reference kitten huffing. That got old years ago. We're at the point where one of the easiest ways to find VFD candidates is to do a search for "huffing."
Determining if you need car insurance: Funny, but has problems. Okay, the first two sentences were pretty hilarious - the article asserting that your neighbor just hit your car. The first paragraph doesn't end on the strongest note - you might want some kind of reference to the fact that the article doesn't know that you can't buy insurance after the fact. Like, I'd probably write the paragraph this way:
Something like that. Okay, and we've got a serious problem with the second paragraph. "If you are the guy that just hit your neighbor's car"... what the fuck? The article just said exactly the opposite - that the neighbor hit your car. Don't try to have it both ways here. Your short list is kind of amusing. Might not be a bad idea to stick one at the end like, "Oh, yeah, by the way, you're required by law to buy it."
Finding a provider: Hmmmmm. Well, this is the meat of the article, right here - short parodies of insurance providers. I think with Geico and Aflac, you're probably going to need a better joke than "Their commercials are true, and the cartoon actors are evil." That's not a great joke. Allstate isn't bad, but could be worded better. I feel like the reference to "goths and emos" is too blunt - might be better to just go with "if you're depressed." Nationwide is funny, but there are grammar errors and it needs a proofread. Umbrella Corporation is pretty funny stuff - but keep in mind that you probably should only get one not-really-an-insurance-provider in this list. More than one, and this quickly turns to listcruft. Vonage, I thought, was hilarious. My favorite one. Microsoft is a cheap shot and a played-out joke. Get rid of it. As for Bob the Builder, I honestly think you're going to have to choose between this and Umbrella Corporation, and I'd choose Umbrella and lose Bob.
Signing a contract: Kind of a waste. This is three paragraphs devoted to one joke: "I am giving you bad advice." That's not a lot of bang for the buck.
Filing a claim: Problematic. Here's the problem: this article was originally a guide to choosing a car insurance company, and one that made fun of all the car insurance companies. Suddenly, in the last two paragraphs, the concept has changed: now it's an article written by a sleazy insurance rep who's trying to sell you a policy. It's like I'm reading a completely new article. That has to be fixed: it's really fucking up the continuity here.
Leave us alone: See above.
|Concept:||5||Your concept needs some work. Is this going to be an article written by a mind-reader who knows that you have absurd insurance needs? Is it going to be a bunch of quick parodies of insurance companies? Is it going to be an article written by a sleazy salesman who wants to rip you off? Pick one, and run with it. You can't cram three concepts into one article. I mean, you can, but it'll make the article suck.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||I noticed some sentence fragments, typos, and verbs used in non-standard ways. Probably a good idea to run this by UN:PS. Overall, though, you're a good writer. Formatting's pretty ugly, though: the pictures are very small, there's a massive amount of whitespace between the first and second pic, and then the second and third pics practically overlap. Bleah.|
|Images:||7||They're all right. Like I said, they're too small and not spaced well. I did get a chuckle out of the caption "This lady needs insurance. And so do you." There's something about that picture I really like. Maybe it's that it reminds me of the video to Duran Duran's "The Chauffeur."|
|Miscellaneous:||6||Six is your mscore|
|Final Score:||28.5||You've got some really funny stuff in here, but the article has a long ways to go. Narrow your concept down to one coherent idea, and then take it from there. I'd keep working on this one, though: it shows promise. Good luck!|
|Reviewer:||17:53, 23 April 2009 (UTC)|