Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Build a Better Mousetrap

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edit HowTo:Build a Better Mousetrap

took me ages to write. mostly becasue i started it, didn't edit it for months, then finished it. i'd like an in-depth review, please. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:40, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

Okay. I'm reviewing this. Right now. I'm doing it right now. Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 18:25, 14 August 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 7.5 Hey Gerry. I have not slept in many hours. So I make no promises as to the coherence of this review. That said:
  • Quotes: 6. Well, they're okay. A slightly fresh take on a staggeringly tired meme. It might have been better just to make fun of Emerson direction - something like "Build a better mousetrap and maybe Thoreau will stop climbing through your window in the middle of the night." Except better than that.
  • Lede: 7. Not bad! I enjoyed the "home-made mouse fur pelt." Don't we have a Fries with that article this could link to? As for the questions, start with "meaning of life" and replace the blue sky question with something funnier. Personally, I might have gone with "How come every time you come around my London London bridge wanna go down?" - but you might not want to take this in a pop-culture direction. Maybe "Where the heck do all my socks go?" I don't know. You're a creative guy.
  • The Enemy: 8. The first paragraph is fucking gold. The semi-circular hole and visible wafting cheese fumes - lovin' it. Bullying your hamster: funny. Cheap shot at Bennigan's: good cheap fun. Sadly, the second paragraph is not at all good. As Cajek once told me in a pee review (and made me cry), the "x is evil" joke is often worse than no joke at all.
  • Mousetraps in History: 8. Good. Very solid. No LOL moments, really, but very solid. My one suggestion is to make a joke about what the pathetic Dark Ages-era mousetraps actually looked like.
  • Recent failings: 5. I feel like this section is a bit weak. I'm really torn on whether the incredibly intelligent mice thing is funny or hurts the article. I'd almost rather see these mice succeed despite being mice - not because they're smart, but because the inventors of these traps were preposterously stupid. The joke about using sticky paper against a human was reasonably funny, but I'm not sure I found much else here to chuckle about.
  • Building your mousetrap: 6. Saw that picture right away - I was wondering if the board game would make an appearance. Well played. I definitely laughed at that. Again, the too-intelligent mice are probably doing this no good, but the joke about using old boots and antique bathtubs rather than infrared cameras was very funny indeed. So why am I only giving this a "6"? Because it reeks of missed opportunities. Instead of simply mentioning the board game and ending the article there, could we get a little something about other creative but asinine mousetraps? Lots and lots of stuff to be mined here.
  • The cat joke: fine. Decent way to end the article.

One final comment: This is not really a "HowTo" at all. The article currently sitting at Mousetrap is not very funny. Not at all. I'd like to move it back into the original author's userspace and move this article there. I don't know where I'd go about building consensus for that.

Concept: 6 I like the concept of building a better mousetrap. I like the concept of the board game "Mousetrap" being a better mousetrap. I don't like the concept of the reason we need to build a better mousetrap being that mice have an advanced civilization full of scientists and engineers who foil us at every turn. That just seems to take the article out of the universe that it would be funniest in. You know, ours.
Prose and formatting: 9 The prose is good - crisp, clear, and refreshing. My one thought on the formatting is that the pictures look awfully small. But then, I'm on a monitor with an unusually high resolution. So maybe you should ignore that.
Images: 6 I love the "diagram," but, well, we've already gone over my problems with anthropomorphized mice.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 Your miscellaneous score is: (drumroll) 6.5.
Final Score: 35 So, that's my take. Make it longer, make the mice dumber, talk about different trap designs, and move it into normal-article-space. That's highly subjective advice, obviously. Other reviewers may disagree. So... if you want a second opinion, feel free to resubmit this and wait another two weeks :) Good luck!
Reviewer: Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 18:50, 14 August 2008 (UTC)
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