Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Become a Master of Disguise

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edit HowTo:Become a Master of Disguise

Tophat headless

I'm reviewing this. Right now. This very instant. I am. ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101019 - 21:50 (UTC)

Concept: 4 What is your angle here, exactly? This title, the 'Master of Disguise', what is that, exactly? Why does one want to be it, and why is the overall thing funny? If you can answer those, the first two probably explicitly and the latter one just to yourself, and go with it, supporting it throughout the piece, it should also help you make individual jokes more effectively, as the best ones will tie in directly to the overall angle from which to approach the subject. Once the ideas are set up, the entire thing will come across more smoothly.

Your article is a HowTo on becoming a master of disguise, but if you do not address the why of it first the entire thing can fall flat on its moustache.

Humour: 4 *Okay, has it happened to us all? Has it really, that someone with a moustache? Admittedly, the entire notion is silly enough to elicit a smile, but the way it is presented just comes off as random. Consider why that would actually happen, and build up to it. Really play it out, perhaps. What, exactly, makes it a Master of Disguise? Why is it that? Why would the reader want to be that?
  • step 1: Read this article - cute, but ultimately ineffective; a person could leave at that point, and as the entire section is self-referential, it comes across as fairly pointless. Is reading the article really the only way to it? Why step one? No planning first?
And the link to this article makes it seem like you are actually saying to read this article - the one that's linked, which would make no sense at all...
  • step 2: Find a usefull disguise - Saying how might actually help.
  • Step 3: Use your usefull disguise - Yes, what was it all for? More on this later...
A usefull list of usefull uses with which to usefully use your usefull disguise usefully - at risk of coming across as redundant, HTBFANJS has some interesting things to say on the topic of redundancy...
It's good that this part ties back into the beginning, but more of a why and how and whatnot would probably help. For instance, how nice is it to be able to do that? Was it all worth it? That kind of thing... and what can a person go on to do from there? More on this later, too. Subject: conclusions.
Prose and formatting: 3 Hmm... okay, list time.
  • 'When your in disguise' - know the difference between your and you're - using the wrong one, especially in articles, will ruin your credibility (unless there's a reason for it)
  • 'It's happend to us all' - 'it's' is a contraction of it and is, but you are using it as it has here.
  • You should really use proper capitalisation for at least the first words of your headers (some people capitalise the first letter of every word in headers, some just the first, but that's another matter. Just be consistent about that).
  • Read through and proofread for obvious mistakes - " instead of ', inconsistencies, typos...
  • Keep your tenses consistent - the first section starts 'it has happened' - past tense, and goes to present tense and then goes back to past - 'you just met a Master of Disguise'.
  • Why is Master of Disguise a proper noun? There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but you might want to include some sort of reason, some sort of title, perhaps.
  • Usefull is not a word. I'd suggest using a spellchecker. (which, according to mine, is also not a word... wheee.)
  • Because if your disguise too cheaply made people can see right through you. - What's the because for? Also, the idea of seeing through people has multiple meanings... you could play on that; you already take it literally; perhaps you could also hint at other directions.
  • The only times when you should probably use sentence fragments intentionally are for areas of excessive longer sentences needing something to balance them out, or when trying to make a specific point with the things. And, of course, for poetry and afterthoughts and whatnot.
  • Image captions deserve proper grammar and fully spelt out words just like anything else. If the caption is merely a label and not a full sentence with subject and verb, it does not require punctuation, but otherwise, end your sentences with periods and whatnot.
  • It is improper to concatenate two full sentences with a comma. Use a semicolon or some sort of bridging word. (what would depend on the context, of course)
  • Two steps that are arguably the most important steps is rather strange, since folks usually only adopt one point of view for a situation and arguing both sides gets confusing... especially in articles. Just say they are both very important. Also, if you really want these to be 'because', then merge the sentences: '...most important step, because if you...
  • Asking rhetorical questions is all very well and fine, but sometimes answering them can be even more effective, humour-wise. What is all this for, if you don't use it? There may well be something, perhaps overly strange, perhaps not remotely useful, perhaps downright bad... but it could be funny.
  • Lists are not lists if they only contain one item. Declaring lists as lists is also unnecessary; just say 'the following are...' or some such.
  • Saying that the article now ends is downright bad practice, unless it's an article on itself or some other intentional downright oddity, which I'm pretty sure this is not. Good articles will conclude by concluding, by summing up points, by tying together details, by applying the article as a whole to broader themes such as societal norms, things in general, or even just the world. A conclusion for a HowTo usually says, now you know what to do, apply it, or now you've successfully cut off your foot with a spoon (okay, I hope there isn't actually a HowTo here for that), congratulations, you are now probably going to bleed to death. Oh well. But something like that. Perhaps how now the reader will fit into society better, how one will be right at home among the fellows at Disguise Con...
  • funk - even as some sort of joke about how the letters are disguised, it's weak. Playing on people's expectations can be a great way to get at humour, but small things that don't actually have anything to do with the main idea often fall flat.
  • Okay, so why is the footnote about the links in the image caption? That's a rather strange place...
  • If you need to point out that things are jokes, it somewhat speaks to the ineffectiveness of the jokes.

Normally, I'd suggest using the links to help emphasise, explain, or even make some of your jokes, but since you hid them, that's probably not a very good idea, since there's no way to tell where they are without moving the mouse over them. The problem is, that also makes the page feel like a dead end even though it is not - perhaps using a colour that's still a lot closer to black from the usual, but still discernibly different would work better.

Images: 6
Disguise

This may work better for your purposes here than using the svg we put over Aleister's Disguise - this image was literally the article itself before I managed to make Aleister rewrite it with an actual article behind a more transparent image

While you are perhaps relying on your images a little too much to write the article for you, they are for the most part used fairly well. An example of a Master of Disguise that is in itself a joke works fairly well, although it would likely help the image, let alone the rest of the thing, if you went further into developing this Master of Disguise idea within the body of the article.

The goldilocks sequence is an effective way to show the different effectivenesses of disguises, but you need to back it up. Say something about them so that they actually mean something. Explain the last one - why is that just right? Is Groucho the ultimate goal? Why is this? For that matter, how does one even procure any of these? The apparently complete invisibility one, while a nice gag, comes across as just that - a gag. It's clearly impossible, with nothing to back it up. So back them up - fill in the section. With a little thing I like to call author power, make the impossible possible and instead of forcing these images to tell the story on their own, tell it in words and allow the images make them real in the reader's mind.

  • people who have been helped by this article - you have two pictures, neither of which necessarily have anything to do with what the section header says. A picture isn't even a person, and the disguise con (which sounds like a proper noun) may or may not have anything to do with it, either. Is the article required reading there, or something?
Frankly, it looks like you just gave up on writing and then just centred the images instead of filling in the section. Make them make sense and make the section have a reason for being there and things will work out better; the con could well have something to do with the people, but you need to say who they were. Maybe the article has helped folks who later went to the convention? As it it, that one looks more like a further reading type thing.
Miscellaneous: 5 Hmm... let's give this a 5. A general and insubstantial impression on an arbitrary scale, so meaningful. In all seriousness, though, 5 seems to be my average. 4 is not good but not as bad as 3, which is bad, 6 is decent, and beyond that, well, you can guess. Numbers really aren't the important thing, though. The hope is that the comments point you in a useful direction.
Final Score: 22 Damn... I rearrange the entire review table, and what happens? I still cram everything into the wrong sections.

Anyhoo, please don't take this badly; most of it was just complaining about grammar, and the entire thing simply does not look finished, either. If you approach it with a distinct angle and flesh out the skeleton of sections further, you may well wind up with a pretty decent guide on your hands. Hopefully this will help, and good luck.

Reviewer: ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101020 - 00:11 (UTC)
4
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
What is your angle here, exactly? This title, the 'Master of Disguise', what is that, exactly? Why does one want to be it, and why is the overall thing funny? If you can answer those, the first two probably explicitly and the latter one just to yourself, and go with it, supporting it throughout the piece, it should also help you make individual jokes more effectively, as the best ones will tie in directly to the overall angle from which to approach the subject. Once the ideas are set up, the entire thing will come across more smoothly.

Your article is a HowTo on becoming a master of disguise, but if you do not address the why of it first the entire thing can fall flat on its moustache.

4
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
*Okay, has it happened to us all? Has it really, that someone with a moustache? Admittedly, the entire notion is silly enough to elicit a smile, but the way it is presented just comes off as random. Consider why that would actually happen, and build up to it. Really play it out, perhaps. What, exactly, makes it a Master of Disguise? Why is it that? Why would the reader want to be that?
  • step 1: Read this article - cute, but ultimately ineffective; a person could leave at that point, and as the entire section is self-referential, it comes across as fairly pointless. Is reading the article really the only way to it? Why step one? No planning first?
And the link to this article makes it seem like you are actually saying to read this article - the one that's linked, which would make no sense at all...
  • step 2: Find a usefull disguise - Saying how might actually help.
  • Step 3: Use your usefull disguise - Yes, what was it all for? More on this later...
A usefull list of usefull uses with which to usefully use your usefull disguise usefully - at risk of coming across as redundant, HTBFANJS has some interesting things to say on the topic of redundancy...
It's good that this part ties back into the beginning, but more of a why and how and whatnot would probably help. For instance, how nice is it to be able to do that? Was it all worth it? That kind of thing... and what can a person go on to do from there? More on this later, too. Subject: conclusions.
3
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
Hmm... okay, list time.
  • 'When your in disguise' - know the difference between your and you're - using the wrong one, especially in articles, will ruin your credibility (unless there's a reason for it)
  • 'It's happend to us all' - 'it's' is a contraction of it and is, but you are using it as it has here.
  • You should really use proper capitalisation for at least the first words of your headers (some people capitalise the first letter of every word in headers, some just the first, but that's another matter. Just be consistent about that).
  • Read through and proofread for obvious mistakes - " instead of ', inconsistencies, typos...
  • Keep your tenses consistent - the first section starts 'it has happened' - past tense, and goes to present tense and then goes back to past - 'you just met a Master of Disguise'.
  • Why is Master of Disguise a proper noun? There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but you might want to include some sort of reason, some sort of title, perhaps.
  • Usefull is not a word. I'd suggest using a spellchecker. (which, according to mine, is also not a word... wheee.)
  • Because if your disguise too cheaply made people can see right through you. - What's the because for? Also, the idea of seeing through people has multiple meanings... you could play on that; you already take it literally; perhaps you could also hint at other directions.
  • The only times when you should probably use sentence fragments intentionally are for areas of excessive longer sentences needing something to balance them out, or when trying to make a specific point with the things. And, of course, for poetry and afterthoughts and whatnot.
  • Image captions deserve proper grammar and fully spelt out words just like anything else. If the caption is merely a label and not a full sentence with subject and verb, it does not require punctuation, but otherwise, end your sentences with periods and whatnot.
  • It is improper to concatenate two full sentences with a comma. Use a semicolon or some sort of bridging word. (what would depend on the context, of course)
  • Two steps that are arguably the most important steps is rather strange, since folks usually only adopt one point of view for a situation and arguing both sides gets confusing... especially in articles. Just say they are both very important. Also, if you really want these to be 'because', then merge the sentences: '...most important step, because if you...
  • Asking rhetorical questions is all very well and fine, but sometimes answering them can be even more effective, humour-wise. What is all this for, if you don't use it? There may well be something, perhaps overly strange, perhaps not remotely useful, perhaps downright bad... but it could be funny.
  • Lists are not lists if they only contain one item. Declaring lists as lists is also unnecessary; just say 'the following are...' or some such.
  • Saying that the article now ends is downright bad practice, unless it's an article on itself or some other intentional downright oddity, which I'm pretty sure this is not. Good articles will conclude by concluding, by summing up points, by tying together details, by applying the article as a whole to broader themes such as societal norms, things in general, or even just the world. A conclusion for a HowTo usually says, now you know what to do, apply it, or now you've successfully cut off your foot with a spoon (okay, I hope there isn't actually a HowTo here for that), congratulations, you are now probably going to bleed to death. Oh well. But something like that. Perhaps how now the reader will fit into society better, how one will be right at home among the fellows at Disguise Con...
  • funk - even as some sort of joke about how the letters are disguised, it's weak. Playing on people's expectations can be a great way to get at humour, but small things that don't actually have anything to do with the main idea often fall flat.
  • Okay, so why is the footnote about the links in the image caption? That's a rather strange place...
  • If you need to point out that things are jokes, it somewhat speaks to the ineffectiveness of the jokes.

Normally, I'd suggest using the links to help emphasise, explain, or even make some of your jokes, but since you hid them, that's probably not a very good idea, since there's no way to tell where they are without moving the mouse over them. The problem is, that also makes the page feel like a dead end even though it is not - perhaps using a colour that's still a lot closer to black from the usual, but still discernibly different would work better.

6
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Disguise

This may work better for your purposes here than using the svg we put over Aleister's Disguise - this image was literally the article itself before I managed to make Aleister rewrite it with an actual article behind a more transparent image

While you are perhaps relying on your images a little too much to write the article for you, they are for the most part used fairly well. An example of a Master of Disguise that is in itself a joke works fairly well, although it would likely help the image, let alone the rest of the thing, if you went further into developing this Master of Disguise idea within the body of the article.

The goldilocks sequence is an effective way to show the different effectivenesses of disguises, but you need to back it up. Say something about them so that they actually mean something. Explain the last one - why is that just right? Is Groucho the ultimate goal? Why is this? For that matter, how does one even procure any of these? The apparently complete invisibility one, while a nice gag, comes across as just that - a gag. It's clearly impossible, with nothing to back it up. So back them up - fill in the section. With a little thing I like to call author power, make the impossible possible and instead of forcing these images to tell the story on their own, tell it in words and allow the images make them real in the reader's mind.

  • people who have been helped by this article - you have two pictures, neither of which necessarily have anything to do with what the section header says. A picture isn't even a person, and the disguise con (which sounds like a proper noun) may or may not have anything to do with it, either. Is the article required reading there, or something?
Frankly, it looks like you just gave up on writing and then just centred the images instead of filling in the section. Make them make sense and make the section have a reason for being there and things will work out better; the con could well have something to do with the people, but you need to say who they were. Maybe the article has helped folks who later went to the convention? As it it, that one looks more like a further reading type thing.
5
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Hmm... let's give this a 5. A general and insubstantial impression on an arbitrary scale, so meaningful. In all seriousness, though, 5 seems to be my average. 4 is not good but not as bad as 3, which is bad, 6 is decent, and beyond that, well, you can guess. Numbers really aren't the important thing, though. The hope is that the comments point you in a useful direction.
22
Bloink
Final score
~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101020 - 00:11 (UTC)
Damn... I rearrange the entire review table, and what happens? I still cram everything into the wrong sections.

Anyhoo, please don't take this badly; most of it was just complaining about grammar, and the entire thing simply does not look finished, either. If you approach it with a distinct angle and flesh out the skeleton of sections further, you may well wind up with a pretty decent guide on your hands. Hopefully this will help, and good luck.

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