Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Beat jet lag (2nd Pee)
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This is rewrite and 2nd Pee. Featured HowTo on May 22.
|Fear Not! John Lydon|
is here to Pee all over you!
I'm on it. --—John Lydon 15:29, June 17, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||I find myself placed in an awkward situation here. Being asked for an opinion on how to improve on a Featured article. It would take a really arrogant prick to think that he could improve on something that the majority of Uncyclopedia users determined to be the cream of the crop. Fortunately for you, I am an arrogant prick.
Let me start by saying that I thought this article was extremely solid on all fronts. Usually, articles submitted for Pee Review are still in the development stage so there’s a lot of advice to be thrown out. This article appears to be pretty much complete so there aren’t as many opportunities for the reviewer to inject some random nonsense. I did manage to key in on a few aspects that could be tweaked for maximum effectiveness.
The humor in this article, while not abundant, is very solid. Most of the jokes fit really well, you avoided complete randomness, and managed to tie everything into the topic at hand. I did think there were a few spots where you could squeeze a little more humor out of. The first one I noticed is in the 3rd paragraph where you are mentioning symptoms of jet lag. (“Symptoms of jet lag range from cardiac arrest caused by bouncing off the cabin roof in mid-ocean dive, all the way to simply feeling disoriented seven days after landing”). While both descriptions are funny, I’m curious as to why you started with the most severe first? By doing so, it takes a little punch away from the second description. For the sake of a metaphor (because using them makes me feel superior) it’s like hitting someone with a baseball bat and then immediately hitting them with a pencil. I think that reversing the position of these two would allow you to get more out of the line.
I also noticed a similar thing happening when you describe the primary symptoms of jet long. You start out with severe and work your way down to mild. Again, it’s all funny, but a little anti-climatic. Rearranging these to go from mild to severe would yield a better result in my opinion.
Other than those two minor points, I think this piece is very well written from a humor standpoint and needs very little correcting at all.
|Concept:||6||The idea for this article is middle of the pack. I try to base my opinion of an articles concept on two key factors; 1) Is it overused?, and, 2) Can people relate? In the case of your idea, I don’t recall seeing too many articles on here about Jet lag. The second one is where I had a bit of an issue. I think Jet lag is a rather obscure topic. The reason I say this is because not many people have ever traveled inter-continentally before and actually experienced Jet lag. I’m a prime example. I still think the humor works very well and is easily relatable, but I think someone who has actually experienced Jet lag would find this more humorous than the average reader. I don’t necessarily think that it hurts the article and I certainly don’t think you should change anything, I’m simply explaining why the score reflects the way it does.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Very well done here. You managed to maintain a very matter of fact, how to tone throughout the entire article. I didn’t notice any spelling or grammatical problems either. Once again, I have a minor nitpick to throw out. (If I don’t find something to pick at they kill one of my family members.) I think it would serve much better to move the section “Pictorial History of jet lag causing time machines” to the end of the article. I say this because I was caught up in the article itself while reading through and then I hit the pictorial history part. I enjoyed it, but when I got to the next section, I had kind of forgotten what I had read prior to that. In short, where it sits now kind of breaks the readers attention in the article. As we all know, no one at Uncyclopedia has an attention span worth a squat so that’s a bad thing. You definitely don’t want to lose the reader.|
|Images:||8||At first glance, I thought the images were fantastic. The only one that didn’t really pop out at me was the final image of the guy with the clocks around his head. I didn’t think it was bad, it just didn’t really catch my eye like the others did. But then I decided to have a peak at your user and talk pages to get some ideas for helping you improve this piece. Lo and Behold what did my little eyes see? A Potato Chopper of the month award! Based solely on that, I think you can come up with something better for the last image. In fact, if I hadn’t seen the award, I probably would have let the entire thing slide but, to paraphrase some guy in some movie, “With great awards comes great responsibility.” Granted, Uncyclopedia only gives out mediocre awards but that still means you have a mediocre responsibility to perform.|
|Final Score:||35||This is a very well done article and about as complete as I can see it getting. I made a few suggestions that would help the article but its still pretty solid the way it sits right now.|
|Reviewer:||--—John Lydon 16:43, June 17, 2010 (UTC)|