Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Be a Purebred American
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I am back! I have made a new article disscussing the moral ignorance of America, and how to become part of the status-quo. This article is intentionally made to have one picture right now, since I'm going to get some more by the aid of Radical X. Whoever clicks on this... please review it! Lucyfer & his friend, Wlado! 18:08, June 20, 2011 (UTC)
I'll do this. Expect it to be done in a day or two.--- TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 02:39, July 9, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Hello Lucy. How are you doing? I'm sorry you've had to wait so long for a review, we're having a bit of a drought on the reviewer front right now (people are submitting but not reviewing, which is always a shame). Anyway, enough chit chat, let's take a look at this article.
Well, I remember reviewing some of your very first articles, and I can gladly say your writing has come along since you first got here. However there are still a few things I think you need to work on before you take this any further, or even before you move on to another article.
The biggest problem with the humour here is that it's little more than a string of insults against Americans (and others). You continually call them fat, racist, ignorant and unintelligent, but do it in a rather blunt, unhumorous way. The problem with insults is that they're not funny on their own, you have to be creative, or word them with a more "traditional joke formula". Let me give you an example: It's not funny to say "no one likes ginger people", but it is (as least) slightly funnier to say "the Harry Potter books are a bit far-fetched; a ginger kid has two friends". Do you see why that's funnier? It twists and turns and you don't always know where it's going... it's more creative and unexpected than a bland insult, and plays off the attributes of the Harry Potter series for effect. What you need to do is the fat, idiotic American equivalent of that joke. While mine isn't a hilarious example, I hope it gives you an idea of how to be funny with written humour.
|Concept:||5||I would say you need to give more thought to what your concept is, as at the moment it feels a bit scattergun. At times the tone is juvenile, sometimes it's more grown up or preachy, and your stance changes from directly criticising America to sarcastic mock-support of it. I really feel you need to be more consistent. Another thing that seemed a little messy here is the way you occasionally get really silly and random, like where you talk about the "Whitehouse Empire" and where you call Obama an "American God". A lot of the time I couldn't tell whether the narrator was being sarcastic, exaggerating or whether he genuinely believed these things. Have a think about who your narrator is and what he thinks. Does he hate America or does he love it? Even if he loves it you can still criticise it in a more subtle way by having obvious gaps in his knowledge or flaws in his argument (even if he can't see them himself). I suppose what you're basically doing here is giving a guide on how to be a stereotypical American idiot. That's fair enough, but you've got to get more jokes in there and sort out who your narrator is, then, once you've decided, rework it so it's all consistent. Once you've got a good backdrop provided by a consistent tone and well-developed stance you'll probably find it much easier to get jokes in there. For an example of a similar, but more successful article, I would perhaps suggest you try reading Glen Beck.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Ok, so unfortunately there are a lot of spelling and grammar errors in here, and I mean lots. There are too many to list or correct myself, so what I would suggest is that you run it through a spellchecker (MS Word or a browser with that function (Google Chrome does it for me)), carefully proofread it yourself, or, if you can't rely on your own literacy, ask someone else to read it for you.
The prose is also really clumsy at times, behold: "being succumbed to the superior forces of our nation". That is a line from your intro, and I can't figure out what you mean by it. It is really difficult to understand what you mean in places, like where you say "be sure to moon at people which exposes the American Dollar symbol". It took me a few read-throughs to realise that you meant there was a dollar sign tattooed on the guy's arse (and I'm still not 100% sure that that's what you're getting at). Try something clearer like "and if people don't appreciate your patriotic clothing, show them the Lincoln tattoo you got on your ass". That still doesn't work particularly well in my opinion, but you can probably come up with something funnier. Again there are dozens of examples of similar prosaic hiccups, and I would strongly recommend you try reading it out loud as well as putting it through a spelling and grammar check. That can seriously help you sort out the flow of a text.
|Images:||4||I didn't really like any of the images I'm afraid. They're not funny or aesthetically pleasing in the slightest (you need them to be at least one of those things). Also, they're all a bit on the small side, which makes the gaps between them look a bit dull and undecorative. Once you've tightened your concept a bit you should have more ideas for pics. After all, the Nazi flag thing seems a bit out of place at the moment. And why would Obama be Chucky? More images of purebred Americans would probably help, as I don't think you spend much time defining exactly what a purebred American is (except for all the insults).|
|Final Score:||24||So to recap, you've got to make this more than just a string of insults and tell some real jokes. Your concept could also be tighter, remember to stay consistent in tone and stance (read some of our featured articles if you need an example). Apart from that, good work, your writing is definitely getting better. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 12:10, August 29, 2011 (UTC)|