Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Be a Good Catholic (2nd Opinion)
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I changed it according to the latter previous review] and I'd like to see another Opinion. May be the same Canajan guy who did it before.
I'll get this one, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 16:33, January 6, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||Right, your humour is beset by a fair number of problems, but there are some examples of ability to be seen. The first thing I recommend you do is read and familiarise yourself with HTBFANJS, it will help you avoid some of the difficulties you are running into here in future. The main problem I found with your article is that it is one long long list. Using lists in articles on Uncyclopedia are like jumping off a cliff, you only need to do it once, and ideally you won't do it at all, if you must do it make it a small list/cliff. The reason for this is that lists provide very little in the way of variety, ultimately there is no way to make jokes that the reader does not see coming and the single format of the existing jokes can get boring quickly. I realise you may have put a great deal of effort into creating the content of your list and so I'm not saying that you should delete it all and start from scratch, but rather to refine it. If you consider what you have in the article already; you have some good jokes and you have some parts that would fit into a list, my advice would be to go through the article and take the main headings of each part of the list and rework them so they make up a smaller list, then flesh out the prose on the rest, alternatively, just take each section of the list and convert it to prose. I realise also that you may feel that a list is the best way to go with a HowTo since it is a guide, and you wouldn't be too far wrong, the thing to consider is that the article is supposed to be training someone thus, a lot of HowTo's tend to focus on a reader following their advice. For instance, rather than saying something like: "Love your Pope more than your God." which is just an instruction try a style like this: "Love your Pope more than your God, don't look so puzzled, mindlessly doing as the clergy say is vital to being a good Catholic, and they wouldn't tell you to do anything silly" Note how the second one involves the reader and guides them through the process, this is much better practice for HowTo's.
You should also avoid alienating people from the guide, a good HowTo is one that people imagine they could follow themselves, also simply saying if you aren't this then you can't be this makes your guide sound less like instructions and more like a quiz to see if you are a good catholic or not, try adapting such instances by adopting a style like this: "The first step in becoming a good catholic is being born into a Catholic family, if you haven't managed this then don't worry, lying and cheating is just as important on the grand scheme of things". Something like that doesn't just say that the reader is wasting their time, and makes a joke too.
Your jokes demonstrate some potential and I would recommend that, rather than overhauling them massively, you should make some of the changes I mention above and then use your own judgement as to what you should change with your jokes. It is my feeling that once you change the style the type of jokes to use will become obvious to you, if you begin to feel lost when you are changing things round I would recommend you have a look at this article and this one both use the style exceptionally well, feel free to try their ideas out.
Try also to avoid overstating the Uncyclopedia in jokes or the more tired ones, have a look at the relevant section in HTBFANJS for more on this one, it has everything you should consider.
|Concept:||5||The idea behind the article is OK, but you are still having problems with its execution. You should consider your tone carefully, if you take a look at the articles I pointed you towards above you will notice that they tend to adopt a patronising tone, and I think that this could work for your article, remember that if you do choose to do this the key to doing it successfully is never explicitly stating that the article sees the reader as an idiot but rather by implication. You have started to do this yourself to an extent, so try to expand it, while keeping it subtle, again this should be done after you make any changes to the layout of the prose. The only other thing to mention is that you need to decide what tone you are using, you are currently split between the informal first person and the encyclopaedic third person, try to avoid saying things like "You also shall accept and execute all statements above, otherwise You won't be a good Catholic!. You may even be a Muslim! I hope you're gonna die, you brainwashed Allah follower!" as they sound unprofessional and break what little tone you had, my advice is to choose one and stick with it.|
|Prose and formatting:||4||Right, your prose need some work, for a start you need to produce some from the list, the parts of the article where there are prose work well enough, but you need more of them. You should also sort your spelling and grammar out, I believe you have made use of the proofreading service already so I would encourage you to continue with this. As far as your image formatting goes, I cannot really advise on numbers as the article's overall length will change if you flesh out your prose. My advice is that you should spread them all out so that they have enough space, you should also avoid using 2 templates at the top, use one at most, otherwise it just looks scruffy.|
|Images:||4||Your images aren't great and I would recommend choosing some new ones, some can stay but the latter images such as the Mr T window and the Mr Winkler one should go as they don't really add anything to the article. Try to look for images that compliment what you have written down and feel like natural extensions of the article rather than completely separate jokes.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||21||There is potential here but it is hard to recognise beneath a lot of the problems. You have the ability to make this article excellent and I hope that you will. I realise there is a lot of negative criticism here but I would urge you not to be discouraged, you can make this article excellent, all that this means is that it may take a bit longer. You should also remember that this is just my opinion and there are others available. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 20:06, January 6, 2010 (UTC)|