Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Be a Good Catholic
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Rather than just "if you feel you are a good member," have something about people who don't feel they're good members, or who don't want to be good members (wondering what's wrong with such people or how they might be educated by the guide); "You should also know...look here" - these lines aren't really funny and should be removed. If you want to direct them to the article on Catholicism, just use a link; Your certificates are funny.
Beginning: Any preperation for the holy journey? Certain clothes or rituals perhaps?; Do a bit more with this section? - Maybe why these things won't make you a good Catholic? Pump up the satire a bit. Try to be a bit more subtle/less obvious. The part about the priest backdating baptism is done well - it's more subtle and is good satire. Though I'd link "offering" to "bribe" and leave out the "corruption" link; as far as donations being salvation, you could build on this. Is a bigger donation better salvation? Or does it forgive more sins?; think about places you could add to the jokes (it's called "topping the joke" by adding layers of humour). e.g., "if you don't have at least four siblings (preferably twelve)..."
Money: "World crisis is not an excuse" - you could add to this. Maybe three non-excuses, with the third one the funniest (e.g., "feeding your children is not an excuse.") And to add to the satire, something about how God cares for the little children; I like the part about already being poor, so God already took the money. Maybe add something about giving what little you have, since the poor will be most valued in heaven. So you should really give a lot of money to the clergy, to be really poor so you can have a lot of glory in heaven; the part about the Pope's lamp is funny, and so is "you dirty miser." These are funny because they're less obvious. But other parts are a bit too obvious, such as giving your Bishop and Cardinal money.
Attitude to church authorities: All the parts about who to love the most are great; pee or poo - add something to this - if you see him go into the bathroom, what's he doing? Maybe he only goes there to pray; "Your priest is always right. Your priest says that!" - here is where you'd benefit to better understand the nuances of the English language. It would have a funnier tone to read "Your priest is always right, according to your priest."; again, I like how you end your sections ("you unfaithful scum!")
Liturgy: "High Mass' intention" - say "the intention of High Mass." You could add a bit about the intention, such as "the intention of High Mass, which is...um...I forget" to show how important it is; surgery - rather than just saying "run to church," describe running with body organs hanging out or something like that, to add to the satire; the priest being right is fine, but overdone a little. The line "you have to be retarded" doesn't add anything; again I like the ending about the Westboro Baptist Church member.
Everyday life of a Catholic: How can you pray like crazy and not overdo it at the same time? Do Catholics say "don't overdo it?" This line doesn't work for me; Do Jehovah's Witnesses really understand the Bible? Perhaps you shall not read the Bible because you would misunderstand it, which is for Jehovah's Witnesses; the "just accepting" not eating meat Fridays is funny, and satirizes the fact there's a rule with no reason behind it; noting sins - perhaps comment on how long your list of sins is. Does a good Catholic have a long list of sins?; the ending in bold - I really wanted to hear another "you something-or-other!"
Holy War: The idea is good, but the points get too repetitive, so it begins to get dull after a while. Killing people could be made more interesting. Maybe beat them with crosses or something (how symbolic!). You develop a good militant tone at points, but it needs to build gradually from more minor points to a climax. Ending with your first point, about how Muslims know nothing about jihads compared to Catholics, would be a good conclusion.
Contraception: Again, good ideas but needs to be written in a more interesting and less obvious manner. The condoms that cause illness are funny. Especially AIDS. I also like the line "All that leads to masturbation." Of course it does!
Masturbation: The tone is good in that the writer seems to be getting more and more obsessed about these sins. I wonder if people can masturbate in hell?
Abortion: This section sounds too much like complaining. It also sounds too much like the other sections. Satire needs to be done skillfully and carefully. If it's too much like complaining or too obvious, it loses its force; it might be funny to link the idea of "abortion is murder" to "holy war killing is good."
Death of a Catholic: One of the main things used for satire against Catholics is the idea that if you die without having repented, you go to purgatory. Is there something you can say about that?
Summary: Funny line about the athiest "not going anywhere."
|Concept:||7||It's a good idea, a really good one for satire. The concept could be expanded, such as talking more about Pope Benedict, or giving examples of good and bad Catholics. You've done a good job of getting into the Catholic mindset. You get the strictness of their dogma well. Can you get the emotion behind their dogma a bit more? The politics?|
|Prose and formatting:||3||Intro:
"Sect" doesn't really mean "cult," and no one is going to get what you mean unless they check the link. Maybe just say "cult," or better yet, imply it; Say "you are already a good member" rather than "you are a good member"; "and got their certificates..." is grammatically confusing. Maybe "and they should know, they have earned their certificates Absolutely..." or "They are considered absolute authorities, having earned their certificates Absolutely..."
Beginning: Careful with the tense and wording of your first points. Say "First of all, you need to have been born into..." "Secondly, you must have been baptised...so you could be indoctrinated..." (also, "from birth" is less wordly than "from the time you were born"; better to change "not" to "never" - "You will never be a good Catholic." Under "Secondly," maybe italicize "good" for emphasis: "You will be Catholic, but you will never be a good Catholic."; Four siblings - consider listing the three options:
That means that your parents:
Also say "who" rather than "that" under (a).
All requirements of being a good Catholic: maybe leave out "All" in the heading
Money: "You guessed it, you are going to be one of them" - unclear - isn't the reader already assumed to be Catholic?; "if you are already poor... he took his part already" - "he" and "his" in reference to God is usually capitalized?
Attitude to church authorities: "Hierarchization" - no such word. It's "hierarchy."; "Priest from local parish..." - this sentence would read better as "The priest from your local parish is the highest authority on matters of faith." I don't understand the next line (what does "what higher instance thought" mean?); the point form is getting tedious by this point. The "Love your..." parts work well in a list, but consider putting all the priest stuff in a paragraph. The humour is better if you can build a tone or feeling as the paragraph moves on.
Liturgy: Again, too much is written in point form; try to write in a style that takes advantage of emotion. For example: "High Mass is neither funny nor interesting. Should it come across to you as the least bit humourous or cool, you will turn into a Baptist. And all good Catholics know that Baptists are heretics. During High Mass, you shall feel sad and grave. Or else."; "your wallet, the cross, altar" - should be "the altar."
Everyday life of a Catholic: 1st line - Baptist is misspelt. 2nd line - "what is much worse" - replace with "worse" to avoid wordiness. Instead of "you can't read the Bible," "do not read the Bible" is closer to your tone of giving instructions. Or better yet, "you shall not read it."
Holy War: "Show-offs" is hyphenated; 2nd line - using "bad" twice is redundant.
Contraception: Words like "layette" and especially "prurience" fit the tone well, but you will probably have to add some context so readers will know what those words mean. I had to look them up in the dictionary; "The only acceptable methods of spending yourself" - I have no idea what you mean by "spending yourself." Do you mean "spent" as in "exhausted?" This is probably a translation problem; 2nd last line - "redundant" - I think this is the wrong word to use. I'm not sure what you mean.
Masturbation: "Never, ever masturbate yourself." Leave off "yourself." "Never, ever masturbate."; last sentence - leave out the second "you think."
Abortion: Twice you say "abortion is a murder." No "a" - just say "abortion is murder.
Summary: "If you came through this difficult way" - wordy. Just start "If you meet all requirements"; "agree all statements" should be "agree with all statments"; tense - you're still writing about the person being alive when you say "your future depends on your choices" so say "are" not "were" a Catholic, heathen, and athiest.
|Images:||4||Needs more pictures. I like the one of the priest spreading his arms as if he's so wonderful. Some pictures of good and bad Catholics might be helpful - the one of perfect Catholics isnt bad, but you could have funnier ones of people doing "good" and "bad" things. You could also create a religious feel with some holy pictures - stained glass windows, crosses, stuff made of gold - make the page look holy and rich.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||A good effort. You have the idea down, criticizing the Church and it's absurdities. You have a good sense of how to layer point after point to make your argument. But the point form is distracting and people will get tired of it by the end. Can you put it in paragraph form and still keep your style? And then expand upon points, make them original, more colourful, and absurd at times. Too many points sound similar.|
|Final Score:||25||The best parts were then endings in bold, and I think you should have something like "you filthy miser" for each section. The parts about Baptists and Jehovah's Witnesses were also well done. And the diseases.|
|Reviewer:||Sir Roger 07:56, December 26, 2009 (UTC)|