Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Be Man's Best Friend

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edit HowTo:Be Man's Best Friend

knowledge of cheap 70s and 80s cartoons a must, I fear Sog1970 20:32, April 15, 2010 (UTC)

I am both the number one super guy and quicker than the human eye, so I will get this. --Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 16:30, April 16, 2010 (UTC)
Humour: 9 Ok, so I'll start by saying something you've probably heard a million times before - this is a truly excellent article that is pretty much featureable as it is. Nevertheless, you've asked for a review so I'll do my best. Just remember, a lot of my criticisms might just sound like nitpicking, but that's just because I'm trying to cover any potential problems a reader might have with this. It doesn't necessarily mean that I myself think it's a problem. Anyway, let's begin.

Your humour is great, and as usual is probably your biggest strength here. I love all the jokes about the darker side of being a cartoon hero - like DangerMouse having to eat Penfold, and Mighty Mouse still being alive at 106. Those bits still had me laughing hours after I read them. They were also very unexpected, so well done there. In my opinion this is the best comical technique you employ, so if you feel you need to revise jokes based on my comments, try to do more like this. You do have some slightly weaker jokes that could benefit from this. For instance, in Rule 3, you suggest that Undercover Elephant and Loudmouse are lovers. While this is a decent joke, I feel it isn't particularly original or interesting to spuriously claim that a famous duo are lovers. Perhaps you should delve more into the causes or consequences of Undercover's suicide instead, to get some more of that hilarious dark humour you use. Your captions are amongst your weaker jokes in my opinion, specifically the two about Dynomutt and Touche Turtle. Those jokes aren't terrible, but could be missed opportunities for better jokes. So once again, try to be consistent and make jokes about the darker side of the life. Failing that, more mocking of the overused and predictable tropes those shows always had - the parts about "the hong kong book of kung fu" being a good example of how you do this.

Now, your writing is excellent throughout, but I think you might be able to improve the ending. It just sort of ends suddenly without going anywhere. Again, I don't think it's a massive problem, but other users might feel otherwise. Maybe you could write a concluding paragraph, sticking to the style of humour I talk about above. Also, the way it ends is a little strange - focussing on Penry lusting after Rosemarie. I guess the reason I thought it was strange is that it kind of comes out of nowhere. If it appeared half way through the article it wouldn't really be an issue, but as your climax it seems random. Perhaps if you tried building it up throughout the article it would become more of a satisfying pay-off.

Apart from that, that's pretty much it for humour. There was one other joke I didn't get - "A cave can work, though if you was looking for Batfink where would you start?" I couldn't really figure out what you meant by this, so I guess you should just try to explain it better.

Concept: 7 Very few problems here either. The biggest one I can foresee is regarding the title. Although it's titled HowTo:Be Man's Best Friend, it comes across as more of a guide to being a cartoon superhero. Thus, the title seems a little awkward. I know you address this in the article, explaining that be be man's best friend you have to be a superhero. But this is also pretty awkward, and the whole concept of being man's best friend appears a little tacked-on as a result. Fortunately, the article is so well executed that I doubt anyone will really care. But if you do want to revise this, perhaps you could trim some of the bits about being man's best friend, focus more on the superhero guide, and then come up with a more relevant title. Something like "Hong Kong Phooey's Guide to Being a Superhero" maybe. It's up to you of course, doing all of this could end up ruining the article. I trust your judgement here.

Another possible problem is that people simply might not get this. It is very reliant on obscure references to cartoons that probably haven't even been broadcast in the lifespans of many of the users here. I am quite familiar with Hong Kong Phooey and Secret Squirrel myself, but others were distant memories, and others still I hadn't even heard of. Hopefully it won't make much of a difference, but in case you do want any ideas on this - you could always try and put together a short bio near the start of each character you mention. If you feel that's too much, perhaps just throw in an explanitory sentence or two each time you bring up a new character. Or even a couple more pictures to jog reader's memories. If you do any of this, just be careful not to ruin the narrator's voice. Keep it in the style of Phooey, because that was very well done.

Prose and formatting: 7 While your article is very well written, there are numerous examples of awkward prose or lack of clarity in the writing. And although it is the weak point, very little work is required in terms of redrafting. Like I said, it's probably already featureable. I'll just take you through the things I noticed one by one, it's mostly all just stuff that needs to be explained better.

Opening

  • The first paragraph, though very funny, is a little muddled. It wasn't until the second or third time I read it that I really understood everything you were saying. "It ain't easy being man's best friend" is a good opening sentence, but then you immediately veer off on a totally unrelated point about being called Penrod. I recommend making a quick introductory point about why it's not easy before going into the whole funny name bit.
  • Then you have your first example of several non-sequiturs that I identified. This line - "it don't do to rub in your friend's inadequacies" - not only is the wording a bit awkward, but it was also hard to tell what you meant. What inadequacies do you mean?
  • Same again - "Greater love hath no man than to pick up his best friend's poop in a little plastic bag and carry it round in his pocket until he gets home" - a little awkward in the wording. Have another look at the sentence, try to see why it doesn't made sense. Simplify it, if possible.

Rule 1

  • Another non-sequitur here - "Personally, I don't work directly with people. Not when I'm solving crime, anyhow". But "working directly with people" is not what you're talking about here, what you should be saying is "I don't let people know my identity because etc. etc."
  • Also in this section, there was a noticeable change in tone. While the intro is more neutral, here the narrator suddenly starts using more slang and sounding less intelligent. Phrases like "that's what dogs is meant to do" and "least ways" are good examples of what I'm talking about. Later it mellows into a sort of mix between the two, but here the tone just sounds totally different. I recommend you go back and take a look at this part in particular, and have a go at making it a little more consistent,

Rule 2

  • This line - "being man's best friend don't mean being his slave" also seems like a non-sequitur. It has nothing to do with what you go on to talk about.
  • "I never even knew where Secret Squirrel hid out, it was a secret too" - this is a little awkward. Do you mean they were both secrets, or something else? I couldn't really tell.

Rule 3

  • There are a few examples of lack of clarity here too. When you say "Karate misunderstood about Morocco being a mole and liquidated him" - what do you mean by liquidated? And what does being a mole have to do with it? Maybe I'm just being thick but I fear you might face the same problem from others. In the same part there's - "No one's seen Loudmouse since, and Spot got food-poisoning" - no one's seen Loudmouse since what? I figured out that Spot ate him, but I feel you need to spell this out too, just so people don't have to search for the joke.
  • Another awkward line - "just as well that somehow my in-built super-sense means I always end up with the bad guy even when the book sends me off on the wrong track" - try a more simple wording like "I always end up winning even though all the moves in the book are absurd and never work", or words to that effect.

Rule 4

  • There is a phrase you use here that I've never heard, when you say "and you can piss against the wheel when you get there too". What is pissing agaist the wheel? You might want to clear this up. Also, it would be best to start a new sentence after "wind in your hair", then just start with something like "and also, you can piss against the wheel when you get there", as the sentence is a bit cumbersome the way it is.

Rule 6

  • You should say that the bad guys "build" armies of cyborgs rather than "invent". A small note, but I feel it would flow better that way.
Images: 6 Generally your images are ok, but as I've said earlier some of your captions are weak. The first image is fine, and I really liked the caption, but then a lot of the others failed to raise a smile. The one of Dynomutt and the one of Touche Turtle are not particularly funny, nor are they salvaged by humorous captions. It is also kind of strange that they're here, since it seems you don't mention either of them in the prose. I have already discussed the awkward caption of the sidekick picture above, but I will add now that this picture also appears out of place for the same reason. You don't mention this union in the article itself, so you're better off just having pictures of the relevant characters for exposition purposes. At least, that's my opinion.

The Secret Squirrel one that follows is good, as is the caption, however if you can find a higher quality image you should replace it. It just looks a bit fuzzy you see. The one after that, the Undercover Elephant one, was great.

The one of most wanted villains could do with some work. The image itself isn't funny, although I do see its use for establishing characters. The problem with the caption is that the joke about Yellow Pinkie being gay is slightly cheap. Again, I will just suggest keeping the pictures focussed on the characters that you mention in the article itself so that you don't get bogged down with loads of irrelevant cameos by fairly uninteresting and obscure characters. Then try to keep the captions in the same style I praise above in the humour part of this review.

I also didn't like the one of Rosemarie and Spot, you know, the rude one. I saw the joke coming as soon as I looked at the picture, and found it all a bit unecessary.

Miscellaneous: 7.3 Averaged. I'll just also mention here that I never realised he was called Penry, I always thought it was Henry. In fact, I didn't even know there was such a name.
Final Score: 36.3 Right, so overall I loved the article. I've pretty much liked everything I've read of yours, and would rank this amongst your best. Some of the stuff I've talked about in this review might seem petty, but I guess when you review a good article you have to be harsher or you'd have nothing to say. The main thing to remember is to keep your prose simple and clear. Anyway, I hope the review helps, and if you want me to take a look at anything else, or if you just want me to explain myself some more, message me and I'll get back to you. Also let me know when you're done, because I'd be happy to nom it for the front page.
Reviewer: --Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 00:52, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
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