Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Be Happy
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Pup 12:40 10 Jan '12
- Seems pretty okay, except for the outrageous lack of images. GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:25, 10 January 2012
|Humour:||5||All in all, I felt that your article was an average on the "Oliphaunte scale of humour"™. There are some parts that are sarcastic and a little funny, but its seems that the only jokes you really have are all the reversals like, "The hedonic treadmill. Not to be confused with the hedonistic treadmill." Or, "Ah, the sublime joy of being happy is sublimely joyful." This isn't bad, but I would advise you to expand your repertoire of jokes, otherwise the article is going to feel bland. Maybe include some more sections about different psychology manners of being happy, perhaps like reverse psychology and how forcing yourself to be sad and then using reverse psychology to make you happy or something. Or maybe talk about how schizophrenia is a way to combat sadness as you'll always have a friend to talk to you, even when you don't want to. Because right now, the article feels a little rushed with you just providing one example here, one example there, conclusion, done. Which brings up the issue about your conclusion, which I see is lacking. I'm assuming your steps to happiness section is your conclusion? If not, I would suggest including a conclusion that is lengthy and sums up everything you told in the article.
Another suggestion is too expand on the ideas you already have. Right now, I feel like you're stopping after each idea you have and moving onto another one before you get to the punchline of your last idea. For example, "Or, in the words on Sigmund Freud: "One feels inclined to say that the intention that man should be 'happy' is not included in the plan of 'Creation.'" I think you need to include a clincher sentence or something at the end of lines like this. Something that really drives the joke into the persons' skull. It seems like you're building up the finally punchline slowly slowly and then just lack that last oomph at the end of your article, making the humour seem like a total bust. More direct punchlines would help, rather than the kind of looping humour you have going on here that forces the reader to follow you until you reach your final point or joke. I also feel like the tone in this is sort of smug, a little bit as if "I'm right, you're wrong," sort of attitude. That's just my personal opinion, but I would be careful to avoid any sort of narrative style like that or you might alienate your reader. Take my suggestion with a grain of salt if you wish.
My final suggestion is to watch out for useless or redundant sentences. Like this one, "Nothing is more miserable than feeling miserable - your friends don't want to be around you, it's harder to get a date, and blues music is really annoying. Worse than all this, though, it feels bad to feel sad." The first line about being miserable is essentially the same thing as your last line, kind of like a repeat. You state that feeling bad is worse than feeling miserable. Pretty much the same thing to me. Or this line, "They tend to be extremely boring studies, and not anywhere as near as much fun as the negative psychology experts studies, but those aren't as significant in what we're doing here at the moment." This sentence just feels out of place. If the negative studies aren't important, why bother bringing it up? Stay on your one idea and don't detract from it, otherwise you might confuse your reader and look like you don't really care about driving your point across to him/her.
|Concept:||6||It's a good concept, simply said. Definitely a hotbed for good jokes and satire, which is another reason I think you could work on the article even more so it is much more funny. I'm not saying your execution is bad, it's good, but it could be better. Keep that in mind. Moving on!...|
|Prose and formatting:||7.5||Your prose is fairly good, but I did notice a couple of grammar errors, small things really. My suggestions would be to just re-rea your article again and get rid of them, but they were small so don't fret about it. Your format is good, although I would like to suggest you make the pictures a bit smaller and maybe move them around from side to side and they seem a little clunky when put over to one side the way they are now.|
|Images:||7||Your images are ok, but the only one that made me chuckle was the one with the treadmills, but even that was a little strange to me, "The hedonic treadmill. Not to be confused with the hedonistic treadmill." Wouldn't they technically be the same thing? Or am I missing the joke? I just feel that perhaps the captions could be altered a bit to be more satirical and more funny. The universe one for example, isn't really that funny, more just drives in your point about our planet being insignificant. Or the adult picture, while the comment about diapers is a little funny, I feel like you could put something in there that would be a whole lot better and more funny. I can't suggest adding more pictures, you have enough as it is, it's just that the captions could use a little work.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.65||The amount of prozac pills I take everyday to be happy.|
|Final Score:||32.15||So that's about it, hope I was able to help you in some way. If you have any questions or comments, feels free to elave me a message on my talkpage and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Cheers.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 22:08, February 4, 2012 (UTC)|