Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Be Deep
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Ljlego, Dr. S, TKF. Yep.
22:32, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- I GOT 'DIS! -- 23:05, June 23, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||Hey Lj! How ya doin' Dr. S? TKF, what is up?
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, let's get right down to business. So let me start off by saying I fuckin' love this article. But there are somethings that you guys could work on. I'll go through section by section.
Introduction: This is a really good introduction, it starts off the article well, it flows, it's funny (it's deep). The only thing I would suggest is where you say, "you will be born again" Why not link born again to Christianity? Or maybe even make it a pop up image with the image from born again. Ya know, this one. Also maybe make it longer? That way it'll look better on the front page (which it where I have no doubt it will soon be). I know I'm being kinda hypocritical, and all. Seeing as I've written introductions of that length many times before. But I'm sure none of you guys want to be like me.
Step 1: Embrace the mystery of eternity: It's this section and after I have a problem with. The sections are all pretty good and all, but it seems to me that they're not actually about learning how to be deep. It's more about finding your self, or something. Now you may ask, "Why is the introduction not like this?" Because at the end of the introduction you say, "you will learn how to be deep." Which instantly ties everything in to the main topic. But not the others. Which it why you need to change them ever so slightly to tie them in to the main topic. The reason I say ever so slightly is because all you have to do it add some little thing about being deep, and boom! It'll tie that section in. You see where I'm going with this? That's right, I'm going to China with this, to make money of of my ideas. Because that's the kind of guy I am.
Step 1a: Embrace the eternity of mystery: I like this section. It contains one of my favorite lines in the whole article (the Grand Theft Auto line). But I have a little problem with the last line. You say, "Now, take your first step on the path - and know there will never be a last." And you linked last to You Are Dead. And while I see what you were trying to do, I don't think it worked as well as you think it would. So I would suggest that you don't say there won't be a last. That would work better (for both the article, and the link). Maybe say something along the lines of, "Now, take your first step on the path - and know the last will bing peace." That may not be the best example, but just anything other than there never being a last. That bothers me for some reason...
Step 2: Know your enemy: This section really disappointed me. Not that it was bad, it was just fine, except for the part where you link chains to BDSM. Because when I saw that there was a link on chains I thought, "Oh! They're gonna link it to Aleister's userpage! That'll be funny!" And as my cursor drew closer and closer to the link the laughter bubbled up inside of me waiting for Aleister's userpage to pop up on the screen. But the bubbles made from my laughter was popped as I saw BDSM on the screen. My face hung in a sad, empty expression, and all I could think was, "Awwwww..." So please, change it, for me. Alos, it doesn't seem to flow right near the end. You may want to fix that, too.
Step 2a: Let your enemy know you: I think this is probably the best section of the whole article. I laughed when I saw rag doll linked to bitch, and I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the Kick, punch, kick sequence. But I would suggest that maybe you add rape somewhere in there? That might also ruin the whole thing. You make the call.
Step 3: Bleed yourself of your past: I have two things to say, the first is that I don't like the way Everyone Mistakes rolls off the tong (or the brain, as it were). I would suggest changing it to something that rolls off the tong better. Even something as simple as everyone makes mistakes would work. But still link it to everyone poops, because that's some funny shit. Also, I don't think this section is as deep. Not that it's not deep, it's just not as deep comparatively. I don't know, it's just something about it...
Step 3a: Bleed your past of yourself: When you said, "Hoist a cutting apparatus" I thought you were referring to cutting your wrists at first, but it soon became apparent that you were not. So I would like to suggest maybe adding something about cutting your wrists in there, but not remove the first one. Maybe even use the same "Hoist a cutting apparatus" line but link it to something like Knife or butter knife that could be some kind of joke, or something...
Step 4: Find comfort in futility: I really like this section, I like the first part, and I like most of the second part. I like the why thing to a point. You wisper why, then you say why then you scream why. But after that, I don't think you should have the, "Why? Why? Why?!" in there. It seems out of place, and to be completely blunt, stupid. Maybe just cut that out and replace it with the muttering of why? I just think it would flow better. I alos really like the dark (k)night thing.
Step 4a: Find futility in comfort: I don't have much to say about this section, it looks pretty much fine to me. The only thing I would suggest is that you maybe switch, "you were being deep the whole time." to, "it was in you the whole time." but still link it to Mindfuck, because that's funny.
Or you could just: Perfect. Don't change a thing. The perfect closer to an almost perfect article.
|Concept:||10||I love the concept, it's about how to be deep, and it's deep it self (save for a few odd out of place references that just make the article all that much funnier). I would suggest adding it to the category Pages that look like the things they're about.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Except for the occasional flow break, which I have already talked about in the humor section, there are only two little things I've fout wrong.
|Images:||8||First image: It's fine, it's not all that humorus, but that's okay, because it works for an opener. I would suggest moving the HowTo template down below that image, so it will be in line with the text. Also, maybe make it smaller?
Second image: Good, seems a little out of place, like it doesn't make compleat sense, but it's funny, so I guess it'll work.
Third image: I don't like this one. Actually, I like the image, but the caption doesn't make a lot of sense. It also doesn't fit with the text. Like imagine what I said abou the last image, but more so.
Fourth image: Good, I love it. It fits, it's funny, it's apicture of a door, what more could you ask for?
Fifth image: Best image of the whole article. As I said I said before, great closer. Don't change a thing.
Other than that, it's good. The article has just the right amount of images, and everything.
|Miscellaneous:||8||My feeling of the article as a whole.|
|Final Score:||41||So like I said, I have no doubt this will be featured soon. This is probably one of the best articles I've seen in a long time, and I can't wait to see it blossom. Sorry this took me so long, I hope it helps. Good luck, and good job.|
|Reviewer:||-- 16:16, June 25, 2011 (UTC)|