Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Achieve World Domination in a Recession (2nd Review)

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edit HowTo:Achieve World Domination in a Recession

This article is finally finished for a 2nd review. It didn't pass VFH, and I need to know why. Thank you! Bad Shroom 18:28, September 4, 2009 (UTC)

Somebody....--Bad Shroom 14:09, September 7, 2009 (UTC)


I must say, well done. It's very original, it's funny, and it cost billions of dollars and lives!--Psychokitten 02:07, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

I made a few very small edits to this article, so hopefully that doesn't disqualify me from doing a review. If it does, somebody tell me. Otherwise, look for it within 24 hours, followed immediately by world domination. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 03:30, October 5, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 8 Who the Hell is Why? One of these days I'm going to have to figure out how to change this template as I like to introduce myself first so you know how unqualified I am. I was NotM for September and am currently nommed for RotM, so some people think I don't totally suck. On the other hand, I've never even tried to take over the world (at least not Earth), so in that sense I'm completely unqualified. And of course everything in this is merely my opinion.

I'm putting my Prose and Formatting comments in this section too because otherwise I'll end up talking about the same stuff twice. Also I've divided this into paragraphs that more-or-less follow your paragraphs.

  • "In today's economy...." I like your opening sentence, with luxury items including water and toilet paper--nice. Actually, I like this entire paragraph. You might want to change "retarded" to something slightly more subtle--something like "out-of-touch-with-everyday-reality" or "mentally-unstable." Also I think I'd personally prefer "sentient" to "self-aware," but I'm not sure. No, I like "self-aware" better. Ignore that.

Finding a Cheap Plan--I'd like this better as "Finding a Cheaper Plan"

  • Maybe add a word--"...no matter how cold it is (out) there." This short paragraph makes me want to keep reading--good.

Cardboard Box of Doom--love the name.

  • "First, you'll need a Cardboard Box and some marker" should be "a marker" or "some markers." "with marker" should be "with a marker." "found under the bed last Tuesday"--I like the specifics here, but maybe "under your bed...." Love the 1.99 plus 5.99 shipping and handling bit.

Giant Missile: The Low-Price Edition--like this, but maybe better as "...Low-Priced Edition."

  • "Uranium" technically should be "uranium," but maybe you want to emphasize it so that's no biggy. "...a bit expensive."--like the understatement--funny I wrote that before I saw it linked to Captain Understatement. "Three to four feet is a good measurement for this."--maybe "size" instead of "measurement." Also do you mean long or wide? After this, the wording I don't think is up to the level of what came before. It becomes conversational, which I don't think works as well. Also I think it would be better with fewer "?" and "!". I think "homeric" should be capitalized, but am not positive--just checked; it's "Homeric."

Division by Zero

  • "Note:...." like it.
  • "Now, before we go all drastic here...." I don't care for the "before we go all drastic" part. Maybe "before you begin." "This should really be only left to professionals" I'd like better as "This should be left to professionals." I don't care for the struck out parts. Otherwise, I really like this section.

Step 2: Alerting the Public

  • "In the 21st century, people need strong reasons to do things. (See Oil and Iraq War)"--YES YES YES! OK, sorry, I'm exposing my political bias. This needs a period at the end. "Due to this, you will have to threaten the public to follow your commands."--I would like this better as "Therefore, to convince the public to follow your demands, you have to threaten them." Or even cut the "therefore." you will have to threaten the public to follow your commands.

Option 1: Threatening Sign

  • "Popularized by poorer individuals, I have chosen a sign!"--does the author choose or the mad scientist? Maybe "you might want to try using a sign." "including using the plan you chose in Step 1"--I'd cut the word "using." "Then, just go outside"--I'd cut the comma and "just." As I said on a previous section, I think this would work better with fewer exclamation marks--maybe just one per paragraph.

Option 2: the Internet

  • "The Internet, it's not just a place to watch videos"--either "The Internet: it's...." or "The Internet is not....". I would shorten the Uncyclopedia references, maybe condense it to one sentence. Maybe something like "One popular site for threats is a place called 'Uncyclopedia,' which has a chat room that's ideal for this purpose." "the strength to assume bad faith"--I like this. You might want to add something how if the mad scientist doesn't have a computer (maybe it got destroyed or something), that there's computers available in public libraries, coffee shops and elementary schools. I like the FBI surrendering part--nice touch.

Step 3: Dealing with the Government

  • "Now, the government may come"--I'd cut "now." "They could break...." should have semi-colons after each main section. I like this section, and the part about small countries "such as Nigeria or Belgium."

'Step 4:Initiating Total World Control'

  • "CONGRAAAATULATIONS, Why do I need to provide this?!"--you have an exclamation point immediately following a question mark. Ah, I see that's simply because some user here choose a name that ends in a question mark. What a fool he must be.
  • "You have finally...." I like the Monopoly reference--world domiation is all just a game played by an incompetent. I would make "when you were 7" an older age--a seven-year-old who plays Monopoly sounds a bit too bright for this. Maybe 12-year-old. I like the USA/Japan/Iraq part. Why is the mad scientist the shoe piece? Maybe you do something with this, like "Remember, you are that little Monopoly shoe piece who wants to kick butt." I don't care for the France as pussies bit (that joke's been overdone) and don't care for "little Nazi" as our mad scientist could be Communist/Capitalist/Feudalist/Whatever. Maybe something like "you little world dominator!" And again I think few exclamation marks would be better--maybe just one on the last sentence of this paragraph.
  • "Okay, now that France and most of Europe is under control, it safe to jump"--how did we get control of Europe? Maybe something that points out this is assumed, like "...of course most of Europe...." or "...obviously most of Europe...." I don't get the Mexican candy and rootbeer part--I think this would be better if you just said what you link to--"drugs and beer."
  • "Wow...." Are America, Iraq and China the big guys? Earlier you talk about "The USA is too strong, Japan's a nasty land to mess with, and Iraq...." You might want to make the big guys consistent through the article. "...you can be pretty sure I have a plan....until now"--should be "had a plan." "I was just here to guide you taking over the world."--so why aren't you guiding? Maybe "I was just here to guide you in beginning your takeover of the world."

Epilogue

  • "After 2 years of hard work and no play...." I don't care for the "hard work and no play" part. Maybe "two years of ruthless attacks" or "unyielding invasions" or something. "has officially, undenyingly.....gone to jail."--I'd like simply "gone to jail." "I'd add a word--"More specifically, (to) Oscar...." "Freed by the USA..." maybe add something about 10s of thousands homeless. I don't know if I like the watching "three full seasons of Friends" or not, so I'm no help there. "...in rage of the narrator..." should be "...in rage because the narrator...." "Finally, on an unimportant note, millions died and billions of dollars were lost in this 2-year event."--earlier in this paragraph you said it was thousands dead. I'd put deaths, dollars (and number homeless) at the end. Also I think "on an unimportant note" is a bit too underplayed--maybe "on a side note."

See also

Appropriate links.

Notes Already commented on note 1 (like it). Note 2 I think would be better as simply "Actual results may vary." Leave it in the reader's mind how pathetic the attempt might actually be. Note 3: I think would be better if you gave a reason for the apology or why you had to use strong language.

Concept: 9 I love the concept of taking over the world on a strict budget.
Prose and formatting: 7.5 This is a mixed score: best parts I'd rate as 9 or even 10; others I'd rate as 6 or even 5. So this is an average.
Images: 7.5 This is also a mixed score--pics would be a 9 (I'm not giving 10s right now), but captions would be a 6. I'd change "idiotic" to something more subtle on the mad scientist pic--remember, this article is supposed to make this person want to read it, and calling him/her an idiot likely won't. Love the cardboard box robot, but don't care for the caption. Is Rosie O'Donnell the only option? (Also like many of my Mexican friends, I personally find Rosie attractive anyway). Division by zero--I would have voted for this as featured image, but I don't get the caption even though I read it a few times. I like the Darth Vader pic and the caption, but the pic's a little small here (for me) to read Vader's sign. I like the gap-toothed smile and caption.
Miscellaneous: 7 This is an artificially low score to encourage you to improve what I think can be a very good article with a few tweaks here and there.
Final Score: 39 All in all, I really like this article. If you edit it and feel it's in "final" version, please post a note on my talk page.
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 19:57, October 5, 2009 (UTC)
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