Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Holy Martian Empire
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Ch00bakka 14:52, June 21, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm here now--DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 14:18, June 22, 2010 (UTC)
|I like to write a lot of things, I’m pretty good at Pee Reviews, and I received an award Author of the Month Award and one feature. Also I like Avenged Sevenfold, Modern Warfare 2, Halo 3, and brunettes and emo girls.|
|Concept:||3||I think the idea of a holy empire on mars is good idea. The article, however, was a bit of a letdown. When a reader sees the title Holy Martian Empire, they expect the article to be related to something like the Holy Roman Empire like or something like that and made into a Martian styled version of it. In the article itself, however, this is rarely the case. Instead, the article itself talks more about sex, violence, McDonalds, randomness, complete nonsense, rather unfunny jokes, and other things that I will explain later in the review. You have a good idea, but you didn’t execute it well, and that’s what’s killing your article. Luckily, that’s what I’m for; to give you advice on how to improve the humor of the article, as well as improvement on other areas of the article. My first advice is that you read HTBFANJS, a valid and brilliant source of information that helps improvement on these areas, and tells you what’s best to use, and what’s not.
One problem of the article is the tone of the article. You use an encyclopedic tone at times, and then veer off to a first person tone. This type of thing rarely works, and makes the article look very unprofessional. I and a few other reviewers highly discouraged this kind of writing. You can, however, use this if you put in a narrator and create a dialogue between the person narrating the article, whose tone is borne out by subtle humor and observations. This requires some work, and if you do it right, it’ll work. If you do not want to do this, then I recommend that you choose a tone and stick to it throughout the entire article without veering off to another tone.
|Prose and Formatting:||4||You have numerous problems here and there, especially in spelling and grammar. I will go through them one at a time.
You have made many spelling and grammar mistakes, which is common even for professional Uncyclopedians. The best way to fix mistakes and preventing from making new ones is reading over what you have type to check for mistakes. When you see an error, you just hit edit and fix that mistake. Although you might miss a word or two that you think it’s right when in reality it’s wrong. So using the spell-check on Microsoft Word is another great thing to fix errors. Although it might show that a word is spelled incorrectly but in reality it’s spelled correctly, so watch out for that. A highly better solution would be the proofread service, were you simply put a proofread template on your article and someone from the proofreading service will come by and make corrections for you. Also, always spell Martian and Jesus with the first letters capitalized. It’s incorrect if you do not do it like that
Profanity is another problem; you use it constantly use it. In HTBFANJS, it has a rule that say the following: “There's no reason to swear like a US Marine Drill Instructor or make tasteless references every other sentence.’’’ And I can see you did just the opposite. While it can get a few laughs, don't use it as your primary source of humor. That makes the article very dull, and people will frown upon that. Remember, just because oyu think its funny doesn’t mean other people will think it’s funny. It’s better if you come up with something original, or at least putting it in an original manner, rather than rely on shock factor as a fucking crutch.
Also, please try to refrain from using strikethrough as much as possible. It’s not particularly funny and is constantly over used.
|Humo(u)r:||2||Let me start off by saying that the humor of the article, along with the tone, is the main downfall of the article. I’m not saying this to be mean, I’m being honest. Naming people, cities, and animals with names that use no vowels is good for humor, since an alien language would be different than ours, so that’s one thing that should stay. But the rest needs work.
Your intro isn’t a very good intro for the article. “This is an abridged semi-history of the Holy Martian Empire” Why can’t it be a full history? You should use that instead. “For a full history, containing all of the boring details, see the Encyclopedia Galactica, Volume MCCCLXVII, Sub-volume 50, pages 367-9854.” Uh, no. The article is supposed to contain the full history. Don’t tell users to go to somewhere to read a history when that’s the article’s job itself. And I highly doubt Encyclopedia Galactica actually exist; don’t tell users to go somewhere that is made up, just use the real thing. “For another good history, see this page.” First, that links to a website that shows a Rick Roll, which has nothing to do with the Holy Martian Empire. Don’t put links to places that are off topic. Second, try to keep Rick Rolling to Youtube or something like that.
The problem with the article is that you use a lot of things that are just not funny, or that you do not execute it very well. For example, “Nobody seems to have any idea exactly why these wars are called the omega wars, but nobody wants to argue with historians, who are always really bloody-minded bastards who never let go of an idea once they've held onto it for longer then five seconds,” this could be worded better, like “The reason for the names of the Omega Wars are a mystery, and trying to argue about it on Mars isn’t the wise thing to do, because Martian historians are known for their blood thirsty, savage nature towards anyone who would contradict something, and anyone who does would meet a bloody, terrifying end.” See what I did? If you word your jokes better like I just showed you, the humor would come out better. Using your own judgment and HTBFANJS will help you with this. It’ll take a lot of work, but it will help.
|Images:||7||You have images, and they support your article well, and the captions are good, but you should expand the humor on the captions some. Also, make the images bigger, and spread them out so they don’t cramp the article.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||My overall grade of this article.|
|Final Score:||20||After reading the article it seemed that you were a new Uncyclopedia; but after seeing your contributions, it reveals that you’ve been here since November last year (meaning that you’ve been here around six or seven months) so I assume you haven’t gotten yourself familiarized with HTBFANJS yet. So I highly suggest you do that before writing another article. Anyways, you have a good idea; you just need to improve on how you execute it. Follow my advice and reworking the article should be no problem. If you have any questions/comments, just go to my talk page and I’ll be happy to answer them. Good Luck! Cheers!|
|Reviewer:||--DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 03:04, June 23, 2010 (UTC)|