Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hollywood

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edit Hollywood

Yo. I haven't written anything in quite some time, and I feel a bit rusty. Please assess my efforts. IronLung 22:22, January 8, 2010 (UTC)

Ok, not sure what happened there. In-depth please. IronLung 18:39, January 11, 2010 (UTC)
Computer messed up, did not finish. Will be able to finish today-- Grue Jammy Director Eye 4 WILL Explode 3 YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 23:19, January 11, 2010 (UTC)

Okay, I declare open season. Please only add a template if you're actually in the process of reviewing this. IronLung 06:00, January 14, 2010 (UTC)

I'll get to this one later on today. --ChiefjusticeDS 08:16, January 14, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 8 Right, I enjoyed the humour, there was a particular style to it that I really liked, there are however a couple of points for improvement. The first thing that I noticed was that the passenger involvement is a really good way to keep the article interesting, so I was rather disappointed that you did not exploit it to a greater extent, admittedly there are a few of them but a couple of them felt less involving than the others. Permit me to expand, if you compare the direction the article goes in after you use "Are you Kaiser Soze?" to the way it goes after your others, this one felt a bit more like a dead end, perhaps it is because I did not get the joke but it seemed pretty short lived and not as plainly indicative of the character as the others. My reason for picking this one out is that despite having no knowledge of the man before taking a look at the article and having to look him up on Wikipedia I could still enjoy all your other jokes and the article flowed nicely and built up a good satiric picture of the man. I felt that this joke was the exception and it was a let down, I feel the joke could be adopted in a similar way as before, helping portray the characters gradual descent to robbing the group at the end. I am likely a bit biased on this but I felt that since we are being communicated the events outside the bus mainly through the narrative of the passengers you could have communicated another danger sign to us, driving on the wrong side of the road or some other dangerous act. I will leave it up to you.

The other thing I noticed is that while the article's narrative is good at times it does seem to wander away from the main premise, obviously you are wanting to make reference to the man himself, but I felt that your doing so meant that the main hook of the article, that of the tour was pushed to the side somewhat. Now I'm not suggesting that you change the narrative so that it is just a list punctuated with him saying a couple of lines about himself, but that you make a couple of changes the fact that these passengers are on a tour is not forgotten. My suggestion for implementing this would be to simply put in a sentence that tacitly informs the reader that the context is still present, I would suggest something like "Now I know you folks are probably wanting to the sights and you will, I'm just going to talk about myself the whole time, and drive past them all at 60 miles an hour". Now while what I have written there may not be the zenith of creativity something like it would lend some context to the article, coupled with the "sights" Baldwin fleetingly mentions throughout it would ensure that the fact that these people are on a tour bus is not forgotten.

For the most part, however, I really enjoyed your humour and feel a bit harsh handing out an 8 for it, the article is fast paced and genuinely amusing, you just need to sort a couple of minor problems and it will be excellent. Oh and a quick note about something trivial before I move on, where you say "feel free to ask me questions about me! I'll respond by talking about myself" would you not be better saying "feel free to ask me questions! I'll respond by talking about myself." This gives the impression that this is all he is going to do is talk about himself no matter what.

Concept: 9 Very good throughout on this one, the tone is consistent and Baldwin is very well characterised from the start and the passenegrs on the bus are likewise. My only complaint on this one is that the article's sections are nicely split up by passenger questions, "Are you still making movies" for example, you do this all the way to the final one where this suddenly changes. In the interest of consistency I would recommend that you stick to having the passengers questions starting each section and Baldwin responding, this is only my opinion, but I think it would work better, as it is a bit of a jolt to the question/response formula of the article. I will leave a decision on it up to you.
Prose and formatting: 8 Your prose is pretty good and your spelling and grammar are also of a pretty high standard, there are a couple of minor errors, which means that I can start recommending proofreading to you. Your work looks as though you have taken time to check through it, if you haven't then kudos to you for your standard of written English, it is better than mine. You should remember to proofread carefully after any edits in future. Your image formatting seemed to be the problem area here and my recommendation is that you either move the images closer together so that the centre of the article feels less empty or you put in another one and do a bit of shuffling to make them all fit. It is your call, my feeling was that the middle of the article was a bit empty and that a new image would solve this problem, but again, this is completely up to you.
Images: 9 All is fine here, your images are good and the captions well considered, if I was being picky I would suggest that you maybe reconsider the caption on the second one, as its link to the article isn't quite as strong as it could be. Besides that you are fine here you lose the mark for your formatting problem.
Miscellaneous: 8 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 42 I really enjoyed this, as I have said a couple of times, a couple of minor problems sullied an otherwise brilliant read for me. I am not going to pretend I am an expert in the man the article is written about but it says a great deal about your writing ability that I was still able to enjoy the article despite this. Perhaps you could enlighten me if I have really missed the point. Otherwise if you have any questions or comments then feel free to let me know on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 20:46, January 14, 2010 (UTC)
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