Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/History of the papyrus containing the spell to. . . .

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edit UnBooks:A Brief Overview Of The History Of The Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water And Its Role In Shaping Human History, Along With Alternate Versions Of History In Various Parallel Universes

The page with the longest title on uncyc. Final review. FreddIs Great In Bedd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 14:15, December 8, 2009 (UTC)

It's not the longest. Remember the random article on my userspace about the pink man or something like that? That's the longest. zhelel 04:04 December 15
I found it. But sadly, it isn't longer. The Great Battle of the Purple Coloured Guy Against the Pink Coloured Guy in Which Their Wives Had To Be Made To Serve Them Drinks To Stop The War Which In Fact Did Not Happen
Yeah, mine is at the maximum char capacity. It's as long as a title could ever be. SIRE FREDDMOOSHA Flag of Egypt AMUSE ME • 05:38 • Thursday, 17-12-2009
Necropaxx Hi there! This big ol' grin must mean this article
is being reviewed by:

Necropaxx (T) {~}
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider

(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing
at {{{1}}}
feel free to remove it and give Necropaxx a swift kick up the butt for being such a loser).

This time I'll try to get it done on time. Necropaxx (T) {~} Saturday, 01:44, Dec 19 2009

Humour: 6.5 Alright, since I've already reviewed this once, I'm going to focus on what you changed instead of analyzing every detail. Sound fair? Well, you don't really have a choice in the matter, so tough.

Intro: Looking at the differences in this section, I see you've basically followed my advice. There wasn't that much to change, and it still gets the job done. Good job.

History: The Ra story you have redone and this is good, but I think you could add a little more. For example, what is Nephren-Ka's motivation for dumping Ra's body in the desert? You kind of just dump the sentence on the reader with little context. In the alternate version, I have one minor grammar correction. It should be "But" instead of "And" in the last sentence.
For Nephren-Ka, I see you basically kept it the same with the exception of a few funnier additions. The alternate history you have now was a lot better than the one I reviewed earlier, so props to you for that.
The shark section is where you begin to run into a bit of trouble. First you say that the shark was living a happy life, la di da di da and all that. That's fine. While I do thank you for changing the story from what it was, I was like "whathuh?" when I read about Moses and the coal. I had to search "Moses coal" on Google to find out that it was a reference to something in Hebrew scriptures. It's not in the Torah, so Christians will not get the reference. However, Jewish and maybe Muslim (assumption, since you knew about it obviously) users will get it. It is entirely up to you whether you'd want to change it or not, and it didn't affect the scoring. Alt version: minutely better.
Moses: OK, I get the lisp, but why does he change his rs to ls? He's not Oriental. A lisp only changes the 's' sound into a 'th' sound. A minor complaint: I think you meant "any direction," not "any directions."

Hippies Utopia, now?: I don't get why you changed it from Hippies Heaven to Hippies Utopia. Hippies Heaven had the whole alliteration thing going on. But whatever. Your See Also section is better than before, so I think that about wraps it up.

Concept: 7 Same as the last review. I really don't see any reason to change the score. *shrug*
Prose and formatting: 5 OK, your formatting is fine. It's your prose that I have a beef with. I can see the potential for this article -- it can be pretty darn funny. But I feel that it gets mired in less-than-stellar prose that trips up the joke! Take this for example: "The Papyrus was force-fed to the shark in a ceremony that involved firing a baby seal from a cannon." This is all right, but not feature-funny. Better would be to use something like "The Papyrus was force-fed to the shark through the Ritual of the Cannon-Propelled Baby Seal™, as was tradition." Do you see how even though they say the same thing, one of them says it funnier? (I hope it's mine, or this analogy thing is pointless) What ticks me off is that there is the same clunky (sorry) prose throughout the article. It's got no zest, no shine. Now I realize that English probably isn't your first language, so I don't blame you if you find it harder to write how I did. If I'm not busy, you could drop me a line and I can point out some more examples and how you would fix them. Also, don't forget that you can request a proofread to help you sort out any stray spelling or grammar issues.
Images: 7.5 Well, you added two images, going beyond what I advised, so that's points to you. However... I can't say the captions work any better than before. I'm sure you can come up with better ones. Also, the Moses dude in the picture he's in doesn't really match the base image. But first focus on coming up with better captions.
Miscellaneous: 7 My average grade for the article.
Final Score: 33 You still haven't incorporated eye explosions. :(
Reviewer: Necropaxx (T) {~} Saturday, 11:12, Dec 19 2009
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