Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hetero (prefix) (2nd review)

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edit Hetero (prefix)

Ok, so apparently it's a good article and a great idea but it needs a little extra in order to be featured, according to the VFH votes. Anyone up to helping me with that? :) User:Fag/sig5 16:29, 7 December 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 7 Before going into section detail, I'll say broadly that on the whole, what you've got right now is good, but each bit seems a little on the weedy side and could be developed more. Now, onto the breakdown:
  • intro: -8- - Lovely introduction. Sets the scene well, lays out the map for the rest of the article, and adds a well-planned dollop of overreaction that should become one of the themes of the article. Probably around the right length for a non-encyclopedic article, drawing the reader in then sending them off before they get bored with the introduction
  • Bi-curious?: -7- - Not quite as good as the intro, but still good. What you've written here is funny, which is why I give it a seven, but it feels like there's so many other avenues to take here. What about the friends reaction once the hypothetical protagonist says they're a heterofag? How about putting one exception to the rule to prove its funniness? That kind of thing can help develop it to its maximum.
  • Gym-freakin'-nastics!: -8- - I found this to be the funniest section of the lot, but again there are ways to take it further. I think you may have been a bit over the top with the "I'm wearing a... " line, but that could make it funnier to others. Some things to help take this on: What do other people in the building think of that? Maybe carry on the "flexible" theme too.
  • Day-by-day boredom: -6- - Not the best section of the lot, but its still okay. Like everywhere else, this could use a bit of expansion, especially considering the amount of whitespace left by the picture. Some possible leads for this section: What where the people doing to get that bored?; Possibly re-emphasise just how strong the lameness is with some metaphors, too
  • Directions, fuck yeah!: -7- - One of the better sections. I liked the line "then WRECK the third exit on the roundabout ", don't know why. This is the part that needs least expansion, but if you do, some possible threads are what other drivers make of the directions, and what your passengers think of your compulsive pseudo-Tourette's
  • Le Hetero-Fin!: -6- - It's a bit strong for me, this last bit. I've never been brilliant at closing out articles, so I'm not entirely confident on what to tell you to do here, but I would tone it down a bit to allow the humour of the piece to flow through as easily as possible, as it sounds sort of forced at the minute.
Concept: 8 Love the concept. As I've said, it could use with being drawn out a bit more, but the underlying feeling of what you're going for is very stout. I don't think I can really help you improve this section - you just need to work on what you already have.
Prose and formatting: 6 The prose is very good, on the whole, no major mistakes that I can see anywhere. As I touched on in the humour section, however, it's the formatting that's bringing this down a lot. The shortness of each of the sections, combined with the placement of the pictures is leaving a lot of whitespace everywhere for me (laptop screen), which only emphasises the lack of content. I think this is one of those article where __NOTOC__ comes in handy, and the rest will fix itself just via expansion (I had the same problem with one of my articles, so it does work). Personally, I find "See also" sections unnecessary here, as they don't add any humour to the piece, but that's your call.
Images: 7 The images work in context with the article. There's about the right amount, though when you've expanded a bit you may need a third one to go with the directions section, as it does get a little boring to look at down there. The captions, while not hilariously funny, again work well with the pictures. The formatting ailments I described above should be cured by a pit of expansion on the text, so no worries there.
Miscellaneous: 7 n/a
Final Score: 35 This, I feel, is close to passing VFH. It just needs to carry on what it is doing now over a wider range of jokes and a longer time. Expansion, of course, is what I feel needs to be done to this article, but it's very good as is. Good luck (also, remember, this is a subjective review by someone who doesn't exactly care for repeated gay jokes (vis à vis what I felt was too strong)).
Reviewer: –—Hv (talk) 21/12 13:09
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