Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Herman Li (singer)
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|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||3||Uhh, woah. That's... kinda confusing. It's also long, borders on incoherent in places, and contradicts itself several times. And it's not really funny, I'm afraid. See notes below.|
|Concept:||2||My standard score for an article without a central concept. Your concept seems to be "explain why Herman is awesome at the guitar and argue with yourself about who god is". That's not great. See comments again.|
|Prose and formatting:||3||Confused, rambling, long winded and tricky to follow. Not great.|
|Images:||5||OK, there are a couple, and they're relevant, I'll be nice. They don't add much though.|
|Miscellaneous:||3.3||Why is it titled "Herman Li(singer)" when he's a guitarist? Is it meant to be a joke? It's not funny...|
|Final Score:||16.3||OK, the score should show you it's not in great shape, but that can be fixed. Give my comments below some thought, and get working!|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 12:34, 14 January 2008 (UTC)|
First up, this is confusing and confused. I looked at the edit history fully expecting to see about a dozen contributors, and instead saw that basically 2 people have written this in a couple of edits. It feels very inconsistent - you need to stamp out all the bits where it feels like it's arguing with itself, and also settle on a "voice". We're trying to be encyclopedic in tone here, so cut the sections where the author is talking directly about himself ("if you do not agree with me", "I don't care", that sort of thing).
Next, take a leisurely stroll through HTBFANJS. It's a great place to get ideas and learn how to make your article more amusing. If you take your time with it, it could give you all sorts of inspiration. Also worth a look is Buster Keaton - a rare example of an article about a real person that works, is amusing, and got featured. I'm not suggesting you make this article a carbon copy of that, just that it should give you an idea of what to aim for here.
Now a couple of simple rules:
- Quotes are not popular here, and lost of them is bad. If you must have a quote, pick the best one (possibly 2 if you really can't choose) and discard the rest.
- Lists are also frowned on unless they really add something to an article. Long lists of made-up "facts" are even less popular. I'd get rid of both, myself - they're not needed.
Finally, some other thoughts:
Let's structure this, eh? Get yourself a concept - a central thread you can hang the jokes from. A biographical style is the obvious choice, although not the only one. Once you have one, you should find it easier to write, and maybe new jokes will suggest themselves. Just explaining that Herman Li is God isn't really a concept - it's the kind of thing that gets labelled as "bandcruft" and put on VFD around here.
In your intro, explain who he is and what he does. Herman is not the most famous bloke around. Yes, he's very adept with his guitar, and yes, "Through The Fire And The Flames was kinda successful, but he's still not famous enough to not need an introduction. An over-patronising intro that explains who he is, what he does, what a guitar is, what a solo is, why playing 50 notes in a second is more impressive than playing 4 notes that sound really cool together, etc etc could be quite amusing, and a good way to get around the fact that you have to introduce him to non-rock fans.
Try to keep it grounded - getting more and more daft is fine, but having him battle Superman and Goku heads in the direction of random - random is bad.
And his hair - yes, it is impressively long. And straight. Just having a section of made up "facts" on it wastes it. Sure, have a section on it, but try to write a coherent paragraph or two, possibly explaining how long hair aids soloing at ludicrous speeds, or comparing him to Samson, and speculating how cutting it all off could cause him to lose all his speed and skill. And turn into James Blunt. Or something. A couple of well-written paragraphs is almost always funnier than a list (although there are honourable exceptions).
This may seem like a harsh review, but I'm trying to be honest with you - I've been around here a while now, and this kind of thing doesn't fare well. However, some of the best articles on this site started out like this, so with a bit of thought, care and effort, it could be as good as you want it to be. Think about what I've said here, don't forget HTBFANJS and get working on it!