Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Henry Rollins

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edit Henry Rollins

This article was in a complte mess when I stumbled upon it, if I've improved it is debatable. Constructive critism please.

Thanks for your time.

Flamingo With A Spoon Productions 21:24, 12 September 2008 (UTC)

This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 5.8 average of all sections
  • intro: 5

ok, firstly, i needed to do some research to even figure out who rollins is: that's always bad. the convenient {{wikipedia}} template would help, or you could stick closer to the truth...i see you worked black flag into the intro, but it still isnt clear to the average reader that he was the vocalist for black flag. the sentence 'Due to this he has received a certain amount of notoriety or for the sake of using another word, infamoumy' is very confusing. i think a little more background would suffice here.

  • early days: 6

this section is hot or miss, but more misses than hits. the end of the first paragraph is jarring and doesn't flow well with the rest of the article. i was going to suggest that you mention his parents were a multiracial couple earlier, but the next line was a good punchline. the ending is good, but you could draw it out more and add more content, like specific events in his life.

  • middle age: 6

this section is good, but too short. i think the next section might need to get integrated into this one...

  • the black flag...: 5

the whole (can i call him that) gag falls flat, as it takes away from the profesiional tone of the rest of the article. you need to draw out the ideas here a lot more: more on the show, more on his life before it, more on everything.

  • conclusion: 6

the ending is a good idea, but it loses its punch becasue you never mentioned in the article anything leading the reader to believe rollins is a violent guy. throw in some hints in the rest of the article that he has trouble not assaulting people and the ending will make more sense.

Concept: 5.5 3.5/5 points for a mildly well-known subject worthy of parody.

2/5 points for execution: you could do a lot more with the concepts you touched on: write a lot more concerning his poetry, his traumatic early experiences, his time as a hobo, his tv show. basically, write more and flush out your ideas!

Prose and formatting: 4 your formatting was okay, but your prose/grammar/spelling were atrocious. fear not, i'll give it a proofread. i also feel that a re-structuring of the headers is in order, i will do this for you in an edit marked 'header formtting' which you can revert all or some of at your leisure.
Images: 6 the opening image is a good intro image. the poetry image is good and relvant. the last image is appropriate for the show. your captions could be wittier, try out some one-liners in there.
Miscellaneous: 5.4 mean!
Final Score: 26.7 my preview button tells me that your score is 26.7. with some better prose/formatting your score will go up, but you need to flesh out all of your ideas. go into better detail, and don't be afraid to get specific on a few things. this can be a solid article with a little more work. i wish you good luck, and offer my services should you need further assistance.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:28, 3 October 2008 (UTC)
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