Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Henrik Lundqvist
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Yipyapper 22:25, January 2, 2012 (UTC)
- I've got this! Give me a week as I hate deadlines. Mattsnow 15:06, February 10, 2012 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Hi Yipyapper, happy to review your article! I know a bit about hockey, but not much about this guy. I'll try to squeeze some suggestions in as well as well, review it the way I see it.
First of all, I don't know at all if this guy surname is "the King" or it is something you added, but maybe I'd like you to further explain WHY he is the King (true or false explanation will do the trick, as long as it is funny.)
The intro isn't too bad at all, except the very first sentence. the "era of recession and turmoil" thing is not funny, and since it is the first sentence of the article, consider starting stronger than this. The mock names of the teams are quite funny. The Philadelphia Cream Cheesers. lol
Not that bad at all, nice imagination, but that thing about being caught by a Canadian is just way out there I think! Maybe try to find another way for him to go to Canada? Maybe he saw the Canadian people as a bunch of stupid persons who would be easy to control? Also, you could make a joke or 2 about Canadians being retarded, playing a version of curling (hockey).
Rise to Kinghood
I don't get the funniness of saying he was 15 and rich and blah blah, sorry, that joke misses the target with me. The "(so each one)" could be funnier said like this: (meaning each and every one of them). The riots and murder sentence made me laugh, the article needs more great jokes like this :D
New York Mangers
Not too bad first paragraph, but how about changing some "goal-target" by "synonyms" such as "puck-stopper", "rubber-eater" or other funny things you can come up with. The best dressed contest in the second paragraph is a good idea, but the prose is very confusing. I laughed at the puck defection that put the 2 blokes in comas though :)
|Concept:||6||The 'King' concept isn't too bad at all, but it drags itself during the entirety of the article while very seldom adding a new angle or a very funny joke. If you got to stick with that concept, how about talking about his queen (isn't that retard Sean Avery with the Rangers?) and his knights and his court jesters? Some promising ideas there I think.|
|Prose and formatting:||6.5||I'm not an English grammar genius, but I'll try to point out spots where I doubt that you use the correct grammar, or spots that may use improvement.
"current target in net": I don't know what that means, maybe it's just me, sorry.
"he was caught quickly by a happenning Canadian" do you mean a Canadian that happened to pass by?? Other than that, you have a pretty good prose, it shows in this section.
"was immediately moved to the Calgary Flames" : I think "was immediately exchanged to..." sounds better.
New York Mangers
" had no choice since the other choice" Repetitions sound awkward, just replace the second "choice" by "pick". Problem solved! The last paragraph of the article is very confusing, try to be clearer please, I can see this has potential, but the reader will simply be confused here.
In an act of kindness, I corrected some typos and sent you the bill. 50$. Bargain!
|Images:||6||1) Not a bad pic at all if you really want to stick with the "king" concept. The caption may be reworked though. Remember that the 1st pic is of utmost importance to hook the reader.
2) The second pic is sooo totally hilarious, the caption sucks though. I'd suggest not adding any caption whatsoever (by not putting the "thumb" thing in the pic's coding) Anyway, the caption's already in the pic!
3) Pretty much like the second one. Either add a funny caption or none at all bro!
Also, on the formatting side, don't forget to include links.
|Miscellaneous:||6||How I see the article so far, but I think you can improve it as you seem to have a great imagination!|
|Final Score:||30.5||Well, I hope that helped and will inspire you to work on it :) It's not bad at all as it had me laughing a couple of times, and you are always welcome to send me a message on my talk page for help! It certainly is a good start. *flies away*|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 23:35, February 13, 2012 (UTC)|