Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hemophilia

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edit Hemophilia

Hey, i wanted some ideas on how to improve this article so that it doesn't get deleted. This is my first article so be blunt. If there is anything wrong with it please tell me how to fix it. I got to a point where i thought i should just put it up for review to see what other users thought of it. I want someone to give it a really in-depth review. Thanks in advance.-- Altair-the EagleIcons-flag-inDeadMenTellNoTalesDLRLanyardPin2006 (talk to me) 22:50, 7 August 2008 (UTC)

Hemophilia
is being reviewed by
CajekHi!
Your Source for Fine Scented Pee
And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him
Yeah, I gots some time on mah hands.   Le Cejak <2:17, 08 Aug 2008>


Humour: 5 Here's the deal: I don't know if I'll be able to give you many suggestions for your article, because I don't know much about Hemophilia as a disease, but YOU asked ME to review, not the other way around, eh? Avg of all yer sections... (NOTE: 7 IS AVERAGE)
  1. Intro -5- I like the quotes, but you should really just choose one. People here HATE quotes, so it had BETTER be a good one. It's a little all over the place. I don't know much about hemophilia except that your blood has trouble coagulating, correct? Who is that doctor you mention? Why are you bringing up disney and Mel Gibson? I thought this was about a disease, not about name-dropping. I'm afraid I'll have to take off a little for being too random. In other words, try to stick to your topic before going into making fun of celebrities...
  2. Symptoms -6- This section was more humorous, but then you went into the gay thing. I know that "hemo" and "homo" sound alike: it's too obvious a joke, and it doesn't work. You should probably take out the gay angle in your article.
  3. Causes -5- I think you're letting the article get away from you. Not only do you still have the gay angle in there, but now you're talking about badgers. Didn't you mention some kind of doctor that cured prejudice in the introduction? This is confusing.
  4. Ginger Hemophilia -4- Whew, that made no sense to me. I don't even know what to say, except that, IF YOU DON'T BREAK UP YOUR TEXT BLOCKS INTO PARAGRAPHS peoples' eyes start crossing.
  5. Famous Cases -6- well, your satire is showing here... but your grammar is lacking. You need to make sure there aren't any mistakes there, first of all.
  6. Queen Victoria -4- What did that have to do with hemophilia? Also, I didn't really see the hilarity in it, even though it WAS kinda high-minded satire (which I appreciate). Seriously, man, you need to stick with the topic you start with.
  7. The Romanovs -5- At least you talked about hemophilia. This article is getting harder and harder for me to read, seeing as how it has no paragraphs, or as I call them "eyeball soothers". I have to stare at what amounts to a light bulb for ten minutes reading this weird stuff: you'd better give me breaks, man.
  8. Cures -5- Again with the "gay" thing. Gay jokes are okay sometimes, but not when there's barely any connection to them in an article. I get it: "hemo" = "homo" yeah yeah yeah.
Concept: 5 Someone had to write an article on a "popular" disease like this one, I guess. The problem is that it goes all over the place. It's too random, in other words! I couldn't really follow it, got bored at some parts, didn't read others no matter how much I tried... There's no common thread between sections, either, except the gay joke which was, in all honesty, extremely lame.
Prose and formatting: 6 I saw a few mistakes in there, so you have some proofreading to do. All in all though, not too bad a writing style you have. Please, PLEASE, break up your sections into paragraphs!!
Images: 5 I totally didn't understand the pictures.
Miscellaneous: 5.3 avg of all your other scores
Final Score: 26.3 I'm sorry if this seems harsh, Altair. I don't really see a future for this article, so maybe don't focus on it too much. Maybe start writing something else? Something that, while you're writing it, makes you giggle. Something that you like to write, instead of just writing anything? I don't know what to do with this article that would make it a whole lot better than it is now (except remove the gay jokes, for god's sakes), so this is just what I think, I guess. You could always get a second opinion, though!

Please don't think I'm being mean here, Altair. Start other projects and you'll get the hang of it! You'll like it here. Okay, Call me if you have questions! Keep on truckin.

Reviewer:   Le Cejak <4:52, 08 Aug 2008>
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