Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Helaba

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search


edit Helaba

Woelewoelewoe 23:05, 20 November 2008 (UTC)

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

I got it. --UU - natter UU Manhole 20:57, Nov 24

Humour: 2 Um. Either this has a very sophisticated concept that went completely over my head, or it's very random. I'm going to assume the latter, if you feel it's the former, please explain it to me a little more clearly on my talk page.

Right, this makes little to no sense. I really struggled to find any coherent thread to follow for more than two lines. It reads like several articles mashed together in places. What throws me slightly is that there are a couple of isolated lines that make me smile - the observation about old ladies pulling your cheeks etc, I like. But there's precious little else. I went crosseyed trying to follow this, and only didn't give up because I'd already tagged this review and I never abandon a review!

So, how can you improve this? Well, make it coherent. Seriously. Have a very good read of HTBFANJS, which, despite the name, is our collection of comedy writing tips, and helps to explain how not to be random. You can start with a good concept (see next section), but basically, to be quite harsh, I'd recommend pretty much starting again on this.

Concept: 2 There isn't one, is there? At no point is there anything resembling a coherent idea that runs throughout the article, keeping it on track. This is a problem. The best articles have a clear concept - the writers know the main points they want to make and cover before they start, and that helps the article. You need to start off with a good idea, and stick to it.

What do we have here? Imaginary word meaning hey bearded lady; Brown Card; Hairdressers; Santa Claus; sdrawkcab; criminal gangs; bees, beekeepers, gods; back to the brown cards but only for a second; I have forgotten my jacket; a napkin; brown card again (what is that about anyway, it's never actually explained?); long nonsense-sounding words; contraceptives. None of that links together in any way that I can follow. The vague recurring elements are beards and brown cards - maybe if you explained more clearly what these are about, something else would make sense. Normally, I pick out the main concept and tell people to stick to that, but as I have no idea what the concept of this is, I'd advise you to find a concept, and see what you can do with it.

Prose and formatting: 2 Hmm, fractured grammar, a massive pile of typos - I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that English isn't your first language? Nothing wrong with that - we have featured authors on here whose first language isn't English, and your English is certainly better than my Dutch, French or whatever. I can tell someone "that's a bell tower" in Russian, ask for the bill in French, and identify the gents' toilets in Swedish, and that's about it. BUT! This doesn't help your article.

My suggestion is: if you get this article to a state where you feel the random elements have gone, try getting a proofread to sort out the spelling and grammar. I've changed some of the spelling for you, but I'm not going to try and tackle the grammar while it still needs so much work.

Images: 5 You have some, that's a good start. They have some kind of relevance to the text as well, so marks for that. Not particularly well placed though (it's generally not a good idea to put a pic in the middle, and most images sit on the right). And they don't really help the article make any more sense, so I'll give an average 5 for this section.
Miscellaneous: 2.8 Averaged.
Final Score: 13.8 Wow! I really am struggling here - I pride myself on providing positive feedback on articles, but I'm struggling for any here - this is a complete jumble, and I found little to work with. All I can recommend is going away, having a good think about what it is you want to say, then try to explain it in a more coherent fashion.

Beyond that, all I can say is remember: this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 21:37, Nov 24
Personal tools