Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Hatsune Miku
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Romaioktonos 22:35, May 14, 2010 (UTC)
Okay, I got this. I'll try to be as in-depth as possible for my little nooblet. —Pelozurian (talk) 20:05, 1 June 2010 (UTC)
- Fine, but make it neat.... -- 08:38, June 2, 2010 (UTC)
Well, since no one is reviewing this, a review by someone who knows jack shit is probably better than nothing at all. If not, you can just resubmit (and possibly wait for a few more months). The first thing I have to say is you really need to trim it down. Seriously, try to aim for 20k or below. A 50k article is really intimidating, and no one, save for yourself and some crazily obsessed Hatsune Miku fan, will read it through till the end. The other thing I don't get is the overuse of Greek references. First you need to know that making references doesn't automatically = funny. A reference has to have a point, and has to be well known so that most people will get it. Failure to do so is called "namedropping". Secondly, why Greek references? Is it because you like them? From what I know from Wikipedia, Hatsune Miku is a popular singing anime character. And I have no idea where all those Greek references have a basis. Hatsune Miku doesn't fight in any war, and she is not known for being Greek or liking Greek things, I think. This is what I know from Wikipedia, though, I could be wrong, but that is also a problem for you, you see. The average reader won't even bother reading Wikipedia. Even if they did, like me, they wouldn't understand where all those Greek references came from. The references don't tell me about the subject matter, or even serve as satire. You seem to be under the impression that more references = more funny. That's not true. For example, if I were to put dental references like so: bisphosphonate osteonecrosis curve of Spee balanced articulation circumvallate papillae straie of Retzius, into an article about a band, would you find it funny? No. It would look like gibberish. I can also put up a big fat warning that only people have studied to be dentists would understand this, but would you find it funny? No. You would just click to another page.
I can see that a lot of work has gone into this, and it breaks my heart that I have to give you such a low score compared to your length. Have you read HTBFANJS, and have you attempted to understand it? Have you read our featured articles, and see what sort of writing is considered "funny" by regular users such as me? A lot of the fundamental problems of your article can be corrected if you just follow HTBFANJS.
Your intro pretty much sets the tone for the rest of your article, and it is not good. The key to writing in Uncyclopedia is that you should not get bogged down with details. In that intro alone there were 20 or 30 random Greek words that I have no idea refers to what, unless I'm some kind of professor of Greek history. They do nothing to help your article but alienate casual readers. Which is probably why nobody is reviewing your article. Note that your obscure references actually do not contribute to the humour itself. Your natural reaction might be to say “If you’re not a fan of Hatsune Miku, and you’re not a professor of Greek history, you won’t understand it.” Yeah. See where the problem is? When you write an article, you should aim to be funny to other people too, not just yourself. Otherwise there's no point. Putting up templates and self-referential warnings is no excuse. Your intro is a very important thing. When I see your intro, my natural reaction is "I don't want to read this article", because of the reasons I described above. My main advice though, is that you need to shorten your intro by at least half. Also I would like to note that when I read your article before going on Wikipedia, I got the impression that Hatsune Miku is an android from a Greek-themed mecha anime. It is up to you to decide if that's good.
Your attempts at jokes (that I can see) are very few and far between. Even if you make them, they are not very successful due to either being buried under details, bad sentence structure, or just not appearing well thought out. I can't tell you in a review how to think up funny jokes, nor can I improve your writing skill and sense of humour. Still, try and apply some imagination when you think up jokes. And read HTBFANJS. And, try to aim to satirise something with a joke. Like, for instance, you can write down all the attributes of Hatsune Miku that you want to satirise, and orient your jokes that way. You can satirise the fanboys who obsess over animated characters, for instance.
To take an example, this sentence: "The game Boukephalos spawned some derivatives, notably the version in which the player controls Miku and juggles negi. Boukephalos is why Blizzard has stated that there is no cow level, because there is a bull level instead. In fact, Blizzard originally planned that the cow level in Diablo II be a bull level, but due to the fears of copyright enfringement, they chose a cow level instead."
There are a bunch of things wrong with this attempt at a joke. Firstly, I am so lost upon getting to this point that I'm congratulating myself that I still know you're talking about some game involving bulls. I am not exaggerating, and I realise this might make you feel a bit bad, but this is really a huge problem. I am also congratulating myself that I spotted a joke that has nothing to do with fornicating, (your two fornicating jokes are not good for obvious reasons), so that I can show you your errors. Also the sentence gets so bogged down in its own structure that it’s very hard to see what you’re trying to get across. Cow levels is not really a good joke anyway, which is your third problem.
In early life there is a coding section. That means it becomes: "If you’re not a fan of Hatsune Miku, and you’re not a professor of Greek history, and you're not an expert at computer science, you won’t understand it. Now, granted, if this is an article about, say, Suzumiya Haruhi, it would be somewhat ok because the anime is full of obscure philosophical and scientific references. But I don't think Hatsune Miku is full of obscure Greek references, is it? It would have some J-pop references, though, I think. Why not have those? Oh, another thing is, when you have obscure references and couldn't be bothered explaining them, you can link them to wikipedia as I've done. But as a rule, not more than 3 or 4 times in a single article.
My review is already extremely long, so I wouldn't quote every joke that didn't work. But generally, most of your article seems to be: narrate the battles involving Alexander the Great, insert Hatsune Miku where appropriate, and insert half-assed joke where appropriate. At parts you seem to be just stating the military vitories plus unrelated facts, ie. X defeated Y and Z because of this, and A did this, proving that B is this, despite the fact that C is generally considered this, and then D did this to E... etc. This also shows that you have giant run-on sentences in need of full stops, not more commas. And, I really don't like how you bring up 10 different names in a single sentence without explaining who they are. For example, you can say "Hachune Miku, Hatsune Miku's evil clone, did this and that..." But seriously, remove all those references except for one or two, and explain those one or two that you've decided to keep.
And to top it all off, you have Chuck Norris. That's definitely a no-no, unless there's a reason for it, like if you're writing an article about Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris references are horrible and random. I'm also beginning to feel that there really is no reason for including Hatsune Miku in various Greek military battles. If I were to substitute Hatsune Miku with Darth Vader, it wouldn't make a difference to the details of the story. This is bad. This means that your article doesn't tell me anything about Hatsune Miku at all, although it tells me a lot of things about Greek history which is not your topic. This is bad.
And after you get past the military sections, there are a bunch of things on taxes and sex, and then there is this list, list and more lists... extremely random with no internal consistency at all. I also see that you've lampshaded the fact that there is another Hatsune Miku who sings, but that is about as funny as if I were to say: Yoshiki Hayashi is a cheese maker from Nevada. In an alternate universe he is the God of Japanese rock. Also, notice how funny this is when you don't get my reference? (Hint: It is not funny.)
Ok I'll stop now as this review is getting longer by the minute.
|Concept:||3||The concept you're going for seems to be the amalgamation of 2 contrasting subjects - singing anime girl and Greek stuff. There are a few things wrong with this. First, not many people will know who is Hatsune Miku. That's why you can't use this concept. People who don't know that "Hatsune Miku is a virtual singer from the Japanese vocal synthesising software Vocaloids" won't find "Hatsune Miku is a Greek (Macedonian) android" funny. By the way, if I were to write the intro, the first sentence is what I would use. Anyway, Uncyclopedia articles about obscure subjects should tell the reader about the subject matter and be funny at the same time. This is actually quite hard. You should try looking at some featured articles about subjects you don't know about, and see how they do it. Secondly, you need to have a reason to put two contrasting subjects together. For example: this - Michael Bay. Everyone knows Michael Bay, and everyone knows that he's not a bay. Also, his last name is "bay". That may seem like a silly reason, but it is a reason. Another example: Opeth - Most people know Opeth is not a day time talk show. The writer complains that Opeth has gone so soft that it becomes a women's day time talk show. That's the reason for the "mix". Your problem is, most people don't know that Hatsune Miku is not an android from a Greek-themed mecha anime. You also have no reason for your "mix", or rather, you didn't explain your reason. It is in my opinion that you need a new concept and a complete rewrite to get an article that average people can understand. That should always be the goal, ideally, and since you've put it on pee review, I'd expect you would want somebody else to read and actually understand this too.
Anime articles are also very hard to write, even harder than band articles. They almost never get featured, because they have a very small niche and some people think featuring anime articles makes us akin to ED. Anyway, this is a good anime article. Naruto was QFA, but I think it is more mediocre than good. What I'm trying to say is, don't expect your article to become a feature, but still aim to write a good anime article like those two above.
Even if you decide to go ahead with the Greek thing, you need to show me how it ties back to Hatsune Miku the singing anime girl from Vocaloids. (Even if I were to say, "Hatsune Miku defeated all the Spartans with her singing of Japanese folk songs", it would be much better than what you have now because it actually relates back to Hatsune Miku, despite it not being funny). You need to actually tell me something about Hatsune Miku the singing anime girl from Vocaloids and not Hatsune Miku the Greek conqueror and computer scientist. A good place to start is satire, obviously. Tell me something about Hatsune Miku while satrising her or other things related to her, like her fans, creators, culture etc.
|Prose and formatting:||5||Obviously the run-on sentences are a huge problem, and I have so much trouble figuring out what you're trying to say that I can't correct your grammar, much less advice you on how to formulate your sentences. My advice here is make your article more coherent, then worry about your grammar. I'm also tempted to edit your article for some spelling mistakes but I fear that my internet will crash from the length of the article.
I have probably missed lots of them, but you're better at spelling than I thought.
As for your formatting, get rid of those templates. If you aspire to write a good article at all, you don't need that warning template as an excuse. Also, having 3 chronology templates at the bottom is just overdoing it. And your article looks like an impenetrable wall of text.
|Images:||5||You have lots of them, which is good, but they're very random like your article, which is bad. You don't actually use images of Hatsune Miku but images that illustrate your random jokes, such as, various enemies getting owned and various mentions of libertarians. I have been advised against doing this, and I think you shouldn't as well. The "5" is mainly for quantity, not quality. I think you should have images of Hatsune Miku, preferably centred around a theme, and preferably having jokes in the captions that are not contained in you article.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||Again, really sorry for such a low score compared to its length.|
|Final Score:||21||If you need anything, I'm available through my talk page. Whew, that was long.|
|Reviewer:||~09:35, Jun 22, 2010|