Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Guru Maharaj Ji
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- I'll try to review this, methinks. Today or the next day, it shall be done. 18:29, 5 May 2011
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|Great... first the power goes out and I lose what I had, and then my web browser crashes and I lose it again... not that I had terribly much either time. I'm mostly just making excused. But... er, sorry about this taking so long.
Anyhow, the article's good. Really. Overall, I'd reckon the approach works, and the pieces work, and it all fits together pretty well and flows pretty well; all it really needs is perhaps some clarification on parts, and some expansion... did you ever approach Aleister about fluffing it out, as you mentioned before? Mind, it's not just fluff that might merit adding... reading the wikipedia article on the guy, there's some pretty interesting stuff there that isn't even broached in passing, some with a fair bit of potential, at that. After all, who doesn't like a good pie throwing, for instance? Not that he'd have been hard to hit, considering him apparent size and opulence, and all, but hey, it's pie. The whole flying thing, too... owning everything on earth and in the heavens, and dominating the between, or something. Okay, that's not very good, but there sure seems to be a lot about this guy you could use.
Some of the transitions could use more stuff said, too. More expansion or information or whatnot... deferring to his mother, anything more about that? Is that just what good children do, but did he forget his earlier impression of rubbishness about the whole thing? The gay-god joke thing seems kind of out of the blue, and nothing appears to come back to it, either. It's just sort of there, so why is it there? Any impact? Or was that why the hippies liked him? When his mother disowned him and appointed his brother to be the relevant god, how did that mess with his control and whatnot? I suppose you're probably prodding at something here, but I'm missing it and being confused, as usual, so perhaps clarify, if you can? And when he ditched the Hinduism thing, how exactly did he transform his society? Names and what he said are one thing, but it seems pretty cursory compared to some of it.
Or ignore me; that often works too, as I'm usually one of the most clueless ones around.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|More jokes? Maybe, but the guy lends himself to be funny without them so well, the way you approach this, that it's not an issue. Better jokes? I wouldn't know how, but again, not an issue. Clarity of what you're saying might help in places, however|
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|I want to give this a low score since it's probably the weakest part of the article, but it's actually pretty good, especially relative to most around here. That said, what brings it down is more a bunch of little things than anything in particular... little things.
Take the order of the first three sections, for one. It's actually just fine, but it doesn't seem just fine, reading it. It seems to skip most of his childhood and go on into the rest of his life, in a way, when in fact there's as much childhood stuff as anything else. I suppose it's the 'God-boy, a God-young-man, and a God-fat-man' that does this, mainly. It's a good progression to make, but it also gives the unfortunate impression that it's then going to talk about his manhood, because that's where it'd be at at that point, and it doesn't specify how old he is in any of the following stuff - years are something, but most folks are apt to just skim over that in the beginning - so he seems a lot older than he is in the godhood section, which then makes the gets laid section seem a bit... strange. I'm not saying you should get rid of that phrase, but perhaps remind the readers that he's just a teenager, and how quickly the transitions were made, and the progression should make more sense. The opposition he received for his age might be worth a mention or mockery, as well, but that's another matter.
Other things... aaying he 'personally attracted' the wealth, that just seems a really strange way to phrase it. Why was it personally? How did he attract it, as opposed to... eh, I dunno.
The part where it says 'mother-knows-best', that sentence was all... well, it was just strange. I tried to make it less strange, but you'll probably want to look at that.
Some of the sentences get rather broken, too many commas and subclauses, I suppose. For instance, 'Well, proof of being god is that, as creator, you own everything, and thus...' - there is nothing technically wrong with this, but something more fluid and less comma-y would probably help, but if I could come up with something myself to show what I mean, I probably would have just put it in the article already. Although a few sentences get like that throughout.
In the beginning of the Time tells section, why does the name suddenly switch back to his birth name? The entire article previously seems to speak of him as Guru Maharaj Ji or often just Ji, and it goes back to that afterward, so even if he does go by the name, the article is still talking about its subject. Unless you're trying to make a point here, say what he calls himself, but it's still an article on Ji. Although the point should be makeable anyhow.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|Not really sure what I can say about these... they're good, not great, but good. Captions seem vague - not entirely sure how the first one demonstrate unseriousness, though there's a good chance I'm just missing something, and it doesn't really matter, anyhow, as it's a good opening one, opulent and all. Or is that the joke?
The one with him in America is perhaps the weakest - he's wearing western attire and all that, but he's just sort of there. Maybe just a better image would help, with him actually doing something or some such, but surely this could be funnier than just that he's in America? Or can it? Honestly, I'm rubbish with image captions. Try Aleister for that sort of thing.
Anything else... or not...
|This is a number. It was of course carefully chosen and entirely relevant.|
|Final score |
21:34, 7 May 2011
|Good article, hope this helps, Aleister could be of massive help as well, though you already knew that, yadda yadda, uh... well, if you have any questions, concerns or dead ferrets, you know where to find me. I'll just leave, now.|